


In the Clouds

by Rainbowreacher



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Character Death, Panic Attack, Recovery, References to Drugs, References to Suicide Attempt, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Therapy, University, Violence, references to domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-11-21 04:23:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 78
Words: 76,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11349789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowreacher/pseuds/Rainbowreacher
Summary: Somebody hurts Isak and he doesn't know how to deal with it.He ignores it, despite Jonas trying everything he knows to help.Eventually, when he is ready, he'll tell Even whilst they cuddle under the duvet.Isak and Even can tackle anything together.





	1. Haze

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

The ground was cold, and hard, and hurt as Isak’s body slammed once more onto the concrete. He couldn’t quite remember how he ended up down an alley, he was sure he wouldn’t have wanted to walk down. He couldn’t remember where Jonas was, or why he was cold. He could remember fleeting pain, sharp fingernails, and tiny pieces of gravel embedding themselves into his aching face. 

It was not dark because it was Summer in Oslo and darkness was not possible. Instead the clouds and the fog of agony turned the sky, and the city grey. It was loud. Isak could hear the pounding of running on concrete and what surely felt like the snapping of his heart. Blood rushed through his head and the short intakes of breath deafened him. If he could, he would very much have liked to lose consciousness. He didn’t because life is rarely just. But he knew that, because he was alone and bruised. Even the trembling, that was his own body’s reaction and not something they had done to him, was bruising him further as he shook violently against the concrete. 

Whilst Isak did not remember where Jonas had gone, Jonas was well aware that Isak was not at the bar. He hadn’t panicked immediately, but Jonas had got the weed from the dealer hidden in the corner of the club, and was ready to grab Isak so they could head back to their flat and smoke it. It was not a student night at the club so the beer was not cheap and the city workers had turned up after work in their blazers and ties and destroyed the vibe. The only reason they came in the first place was for the weed. They much preferred beers with the boys and their own playlists of 90s hip-hop and the occasional punk. 

Jonas texted Isak multiple times. Dude where are you? I’ve got it. Meet me out the front. His messages had been delivered but not read. He did one final circuit of the bar, looking for blonde curls and a snapback being spun on his index finger then headed out past the bouncers to the street. It wasn’t a crazy night and the streets weren’t full. But still no Isak. Pulling his scarf tighter around him, he huffed out a sigh, then turned back to the bouncers. 

“Have you seen a blond guy? Taller than me. He’s wearing blue?”. The bouncers shook their heads. 

“You’re in Oslo kid, half the population’s blond.” Jonas ignored them and instead rang Isak’s phone. His messages still unread. 

In the haze of grey, Isak could see a light. A square light, too bright and too far away for him to turn it off. He groaned as he reached towards it. the light dimmed briefly but then started up again. Isak’s fingertips caught the edge of the light. It was a phone. Was it his phone? Was he even missing a phone? These questions did not seem important but the light going away was. He didn’t want to see. His mind was pulling itself out of the clouds however, because he saw Jonas on the screen and Jonas was important if he wanted to stop feeling as he did then. He tried to answer the phone but a smudge of blood got stuck and touch screen wasn’t responsive. 

The light dimmed again and Isak let out another groan of frustration. Jonas was not leaving without him, so continued to ring until Isak managed to slide the answer key across the screen. 

“Isak! Where are you dude? I’ve been waiting ages.” Isak didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. “Isak. Are you there? Did you leave me?” Isak took a deep breath that sent a shot of pain through his ribs. His throat ached but he was scared and he didn’t want Jonas to leave him alone any longer. 

“Jonas.” Jonas went silent. “Can you find me? Somebody hurt me.”


	2. Burnt

It didn’t take Jonas long to find Isak. He had tried to get some sort of direction or details of where he was but Isak didn’t seem to have the energy to respond let alone figure out where he was. There were few alleyways and many of them were lit by streetlamps so Jonas looked for the ones that weren’t. Eventually, he heard Isak’s laboured breathing and found him. 

Isak didn’t look up. His eyes stayed firmly fixed on his phone, that was still connected to Jonas on a call. He could feel somebody close to him and realised that that might mean more pain. Isak was tired of pain. He whimpered and closed his eyes, forgetting that the person looking for him was safe and brave and Jonas. 

But Jonas did not feel brave in that moment. Isak’s clothes had been soaked through with blood, his hair knotted and matted. His body crumpled underneath him, as if he was trying to protect himself but at the same time unable to. “Isak.” Jonas approached him slowly, but looked around to see if whoever had did this, whatever this was, was still around. “Isak, we’ve got to get you to the hospital”. Jonas was standing above Isak now, who was facing away with his eyes closed. Jonas dropped to his knees and reached over to turn Isak to him. Suddenly scared that Isak wasn’t breathing, he grabbed his chin and rolled him toward him. 

Isak flinched, and Jonas knew that he was at least breathing. “Isak open your eyes. It’s Jonas.” 

“Jonas?” Isak flicked open his eyes and looked up. He took another long shuddering breath and Jonas grabbed his arm reassuringly. 

“Yeah, it’s me man. I’m gonna call an ambulance, you are all kinds of fucked.” He grabbed for the phone he’d chucked next to him, to hang up from Isak. 

“Don’t.” Isak didn’t convince either of them. They were in way over their heads. Jonas had been beaten by the Yakuza a couple of years ago when they were both back in school but there was a lot less blood that time. And he’d been sober at the time. Jonas wasn’t sure Isak was sober nor okay enough to decide that an ambulance wasn’t necessary.

Jonas rang for the ambulance, then shook off his jacket to wrap Isak in it whilst they waited. Isak had stopped talking again but didn’t take his eyes off Jonas who was trying to keep talking and keep either of them from thinking about what they were waiting for. Jonas very quickly felt the cold but didn’t complain. He looked out for the headlights that he hoped would arrive, then shouted out when he saw the ambulance pull up. 

Isak flinched again then shrunk back. Jonas tightened his grip on Isak’s hand until the paramedics pulled Jonas’s jacket from Isak and started assessing him. Isak didn’t like these new people arriving and touching him and taking Jonas’s jacket. His clothes had been ripped before and he could now feel the night air on his exposed skin. His head suddenly seemed to focus again, and the dull ache he had felt previously had somehow become very real.   
Isak’s senses returned in an entirely overwhelming manner. He felt himself begin to protest at the people poking him and shining a pen torch in his eyes. He couldn’t hear Jonas over the barking questions of the paramedics. His skin burnt at every touch. Isak began to sob as the paramedics lifted him, too quickly, into the ambulance and Jonas found himself staring at the ground Isak had previously been laying on. 

He picked up Isak’s phone, pocketed it, then followed the paramedics and Isak to the ambulance. He wasn’t sure if Isak would forgive him for forcing him to hospital, he knew Isak hated it at the best of times. However, the urgency of the paramedics suggested that maybe Jonas had done the right thing. Jonas stepped up into the back of the van, and watched at the paramedic took Isak’s blood pressure, wrapped him in more blankets and taped gauze across a particularly deep cut on his cheek. The ambulance pulled away and the paramedic sat back into her seat. 

“I’m done for now, if you want to talk to him. Try to settle him. He is in a lot of pain and we can’t give him anything until the hospital.” Jonas sat forward so that he was in Isak’s line of sight. He was tucked tightly under the blankets and looked so small. Isak looked up at Jonas, dreading the arrival at the hospital. He wasn’t ready to talk about what happened. He wasn’t ready for someone to take his clothes, stitch his skin back together, or for Jonas to wait all night in the waiting room as the doctors waited for test results to come back. He wasn’t ready to think about Even, or to convince Jonas not to text Even. He wasn’t ready for tonight, let alone tomorrow. 

Isak let himself cry quietly, turned into the blankets, and bit his lip to stop from crying out in frustration. Jonas saw this, and reached out to pull his lip from his teeth. 

“Hey, enough. I’ve got you. You are going to be fine.” Jonas was worried but believed it. “I’ll let Even know when we arrive. He’ll meet us there.” He also believed Isak when he answered, more coherently than he had since Jonas found him. 

“If you do that I’ll never speak to you again.”


	3. Bruises

The ambulance arrived to a quiet emergency room. Isak was whisked through to a cubicle, and Jonas was left to sit in the waiting room. He didn’t call Even, despite the fact that every rational thought in his mind was screaming at him too. He wasn’t sure why Isak was so adamant, but guessed he didn’t want Even to worry, or for his sleep schedule to be disturbed when they’d worked so hard to get him back on track after the stress of University exams. Being bipolar, it was important for Even’s brain chemistry that he tried to sleep to a regular schedule as much as possible. That didn’t mean he and Isak didn’t have fun however. Jonas had expected Even to join them that night, but Isak had said that he was already so sleepy when they’d been getting ready to leave that he’d tucked him in and left him at home. So Jonas ignored his phone, picked up a fortnight old music magazine from the table and settled in for a long night. 

Isak hadn’t been left alone since he arrived at the hospital. The nurses hovered around him as they waited for a doctor and asked him questions he wouldn’t answer. Isak hoped that if he gave them as little information as possible, they would just give him some painkillers and let him sleep it off. He couldn’t go home tonight. Not with Even under the same duvet that he’d probably bleed through, or soak with tears. Even would reach out in his sleep and pull Isak towards him, and if he let Even do that he’d never be able to get out of bed again. Maybe neither of them would. 

The doctor pulled back the curtain to enter, and Isak caught a glimpse of Jonas in the waiting room. 

“So…” the doctor pulled the chart from the end of the bed after giving him a cursory glance “…Isak?” Isak nodded softly. “Dr. Neiko. I’ll be taking care of you tonight.” Neiko narrowed his eyes “You…have been attacked?” Isak’s chest felt tighter. He hadn’t told them that. “You don’t have to tell me, you can nod.” Neiko’s voice softened, the boy in front of him looking much younger than twenty. Isak nodded again so Neiko approached him. “Okay. So I’m going to take a look over you and then we’ll see what needs attention.” 

A nurse handed Neiko a pair of gloves that he snapped against his wrists. “Anything you think needs to be looked at first?” Neiko addressed both Isak and the nurse. Isak didn’t answer but clutched the blanket a little tighter at his side. 

“His left wrist.” The nurse held Neiko’s gaze longer than Isak thought necessary and he felt the beginnings of panic building. His stomach twisted and Isak knew that they weren’t going to just leave him to sleep it off. 

“Okay. Thanks nurse. We’ll start there then Isak.” Neiko returned the chart and approached Isak with a friendly smile. Neiko lifted Isak’s wrist and pushed back the long sleeves of his t-shirt. Isak didn’t have to look to know there were several fingerprint shaped bruises across his pulse point. His wrist had been held tight and pulled awkwardly as he struggled against the weight on top of him. For Neiko, fingerprint shaped bruises and Isak’s demeanour told him he was in for a long night. He nodded at the nurse and smiled sadly at Isak who wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

“Isak.” Neiko waited for Isak to look at him. “These bruises suggest that it might be a good idea for Nurse Lars and I to complete a sexual assault assessment. Do you think this is something we should do?” Neiko let Isak pull his arm back towards him and waited for him to reply. He wouldn’t continue until he had consent from Isak. Isak tried to run his hand through his hair but it got caught on the knots and he found himself pulling at the roots. 

There was no right answer to Neiko’s question. If Isak said yes, what was already one of the worst nights of his life was now going to be entirely unforgettable. And Isak had already said no multiple times that night, and that hadn’t helped him in any way. Isak looked over Neiko, he had been kind so far. Isak began so quietly that Neiko didn’t catch the start. 

“I think.” Isak took another short deep breath, trying to swallow the large lump in his throat. He didn’t even recognise his own voice, lost and raspy. “I think that’s something that we should do.”


	4. Candyfloss

“Okay, Isak, that’s what we’ll do then.” Neiko nodded reassuringly. “So first, I’m going to ask Nurse Lars to prepare some equipment for me, and whilst that happens I’m going to ask you a couple of questions. You don’t have to answer but I’m not going to ask you anything that won’t help me treat you. I want to make sure you have the best care and that we give you what you need right now, okay?” 

“I’m not okay.” Isak thought that for somebody who was around people that were obviously not okay, Neiko used the word a lot. He didn’t have any venom in his voice and he wasn’t really protesting Neiko but Neiko had expected an answer and Isak wanted to give him one to show he wasn’t entirely docile. Isak wouldn’t just let people do things to him, he had opinions, he had fight. 

“No. You aren’t. Do you have anybody we can call, or is there someone in the waiting room that we can bring here for you?” 

“I’d like to be alone.” That was of course not true. Isak wanted nothing more than to be home with Even and Jonas watching them from the sofa. He wanted to drown himself in Even’s hoodie, listen to Jonas talk about capitalism, and watch the shadows grow from the pot plant on the windowsill. But Isak was quick to punish himself when he was hurt and that night was just another example. 

“If at any point you need a break or need to stop, just say. You do get a choice here.” It was so obvious to Isak that this was what people like Neiko said to people like Isak. He wasn’t sure it was comforting because people were meant to have choices, and it was the ones who didn’t that ended up in hospital beds with ripped clothes. 

Isak liked Neiko though, and Nurse Lars. They tried to make his suffering in the next ninety minutes as minute as possible. They helped him remove his clothes, took photograph evidence quickly, then provided him with a gown and blankets. The blankets did not stay on long enough but worked together to make sure he was not exposed often. They explained to him, where they would touch him, and how long. They tried to make Isak okay. 

Neiko took a swab and ran it across the inside of Isak’s cheeks. He gagged when it hit the back of his teeth and felt his whole face burn at the humiliation. Little pieces of cotton felt stuck on his teeth and he wasn’t sure he’d ever enjoy the melting of candyfloss on his tongue ever again. On his side, he pulled his knees to his chest and let himself cry whilst Neiko wiped bodily fluids from him. 

He let himself cry until Neiko pulled off his gloves and carried a chair towards the head of the bed so that he could talk to Isak. He did not enjoy watching the boy cry or feel his body twitch as he tried to hold still whilst Neiko had performed the necessary assessment. He did not like that this boy let himself be alone. 

“I’m finished Isak.” He spoke softly, as to not startle the boy before him. “Is it okay if I ask you those questions now?” Isak sniffed loudly, and rubbed at his nose with his right hand. His left wrist aching more so than it had before. He had curled towards himself and was finally warming again. He nodded, and let his attention drift to Neiko. 

“Can Jonas sit with me now, please?” Nurse Lars left the cubicle to collect Jonas from the waiting room. Isak pulled himself up into more of a sitting position. His head was pounding and the painkillers they had just given him hadn’t kicked in yet but he was through the worst. Nobody had to touch him anymore. Jonas wouldn’t let anybody touch him anymore.


	5. Decision

Jonas hadn’t actually known what had happened to Isak that night so paid close attention when Neiko asked Isak questions that Isak was ashamed to answer. Jonas didn’t like the fear and embarrassment that flashed across Isak’s face. When he first entered the cubicle, he had sat on the chair but soon moved to sit next to Isak on the bed. Isak still looked cold, and whilst Jonas didn’t want to give him the jacket that was now bloodstained, and should probably be handed in as evidence, he had passed over his scarf and watched as Isak twisted his hands in the material again and again. 

Nurse Lars had left to deliver Isak’s blood sample and swabs to the lab, and Neiko hadn’t stayed much longer. Isak had started to sway slightly on the bed and exhaustion was quickly overcoming him. Every time Jonas thought he was about to fall asleep, Isak would jump and wake himself back up again. “Sleep Isak, I’m here.” Isak moaned in agreement and Jonas shifted on the bed so that Isak could lie back down. He made himself as small as possible facing Jonas. His face was taut and refused to relax. 

Jonas pulled the thin blankets up so that they were under Isak’s chin. He didn’t feel tired himself any longer despite the fact it was nearly half three in the morning. He watched as Isak’s eyelids shook and twitched, he wasn’t conscious but clearly sleeping fitfully. 

“What the fuck are we going to tell Even?” Jonas whispered to himself. There was no way Even wouldn’t notice something was up with both of his flatmates tomorrow. Not only would they both be exhausted, but Isak had some pretty obvious physical injuries. Neiko was issuing him with a wrist brace for his sprained wrist, his ribs bruised, his face cut. He’d have to take painkillers and drugs to prevent infections. Jonas wasn’t even sure Isak would be able to walk to the tram the next morning. 

Jonas sat on the edge of the bed, his face squashed between his hands. Isak hadn’t chosen Even. He’d specifically said no, then asked for Jonas. It wasn’t Jonas’s decision. It was Isak’s. So Jonas knew that for tonight at least, he’d do what Isak asked him to. He grabbed the water jug from the side table, poured himself a large glass then downed it, feeling more sober than he had all month. 

He took out his phone and began googling. If Isak needed him, Jonas was going to be prepared. There was no way Isak would turn to his mother or father, and he didn’t really have a lot of people. Magnus and Madhi would be there for him but not in the way Jonas could. Isak had let him stay whilst Neiko had asked him invasive questions that made Jonas’s heart race. Isak had wanted Jonas to know. So now, Jonas needed to know how to help.


	6. His

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

It was to the strong scent of coffee that Isak awoke. It was still morning, and early, and Jonas was stretching and pacing through the cubicle. Isak didn’t remember at first where he was or why, but as he began to stretch he felt a sharp kick to his chest and he remembered. He squeezed his eyes tight quickly, and forced himself to breathe. His breaths stuttered and his shoulders got stuck towards his ears when he tried to exhale too quickly. It took him several goes and he felt little improvement. His fingers had begun to tingle uncomfortably when Jonas noticed he was awake. 

“Hey.” Jonas stopped pacing and approached the bed. His face was unreadable, Isak had glanced at it only quickly but he was sure Jonas couldn’t smile because of what Isak had made him listen to. 

“I’m sorry”. Isak’s breath hitched and he rambled. “I shouldn’t have let you listen – I – You can – I- sorry – I.” Jonas reached out towards Isak and watched for any signs that he might pull away. He ran his hand along Isak’s less bruised arm and put the coffee on the table next to him. 

“Isak. Don’t apologise.” Jonas watched as Isak struggled to meet his eyes. “Dude, I don’t know what to say other than if you tell me what you need, I’m gonna try man. I wanna help.” And it was for that reason that Isak didn’t regret letting Jonas know what happened. He hadn’t told him directly, and Jonas hadn’t forced him to. Isak nodded and thought about what he wanted to say. 

Isak wanted to ask about Even. He didn’t know what time it was, but Even would wake up soon and surely become worried when he woke to an empty flat and no texts from either of them. Isak loved to text Even when he was drunk because Even loved Isak’s soppy messages. But Isak wasn’t ready for Even to stop hugging him, because he wasn’t pure and cute and _his_ anymore. Isak didn’t want to see the look on Even’s face when he undressed, found bruises and didn’t seem sexy anymore. 

“Even.” Isak spoke his name like he was the Sun and the stars and that he wasn’t reachable anymore. Jonas could see the guilt hanging from Isak’s mouth, his eyebrows pulled together. He didn’t want to give Isak time to dwell or overthink. 

“I can call him?” Isak responded quickly. 

“He can’t know.” 

“Isak, c’mon, he’s Even. You nee-“

“I need him to love me. He can’t know.” 

Jonas wanted to shout because somebody had taken that last bit of courage that Isak had had to live the life he wanted and stomped on it. Isak was liked, and loved, and he couldn’t see it. “I’ll just tell him I got jumped. That’s enough.” Slowly Jonas murmured an agreement. 

“Your call man. The nurse said I should get him when you woke. Pain med stuff.” Jonas gestured to leave the cubicle, looking back at Isak over his shoulder. It was only at the mention of pain medication that Isak realized his previous dosage had worn off. It hurt. 

Jonas left the cubicle and Isak was alone for the first time since the concrete. He wished he had a mirror to see the state of his face where butterfly stitches drew the two sides of his skin back together. He lifted his left wrist and traced the fingerprints they had left behind. He was quite glad that a wrist brace would cover them. Even wouldn’t notice. That was a lie, Even would notice so Isak would have to be very careful. 

Isak was thinking sadly about the number of things he would have to be careful with around Even when Jonas returned with Nurse Lars. Lars passed him a small plastic cup with a couple of pills and Jonas poured him a glass of water. Isak stared at the pills, tiny blue and two small white before attempting to swallow them back. One hit the back of his throat the wrong way and he panicked at the sensation. Choking on water and air, Jonas rushed forward and Isak baulked. He took another small sip of water and pushed the thoughts that threatened to appear out of his mind.


	7. Bundle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Neiko interrupted Isak’s thoughts from developing by bustling through the curtain holding onto several leaflets and what looked like print out of test results. Neiko checked his watch. It was nearly 06:00, and the end of his shift but he didn’t want to hand Isak off to another doctor. He felt a little protective of the boy, who was looking better than he had a couple of hours prior but still relatively rough.

“How are you doing Isak?” It was rhetorical, and this was quite clear to the boys around him. “Is it still okay to talk in front of Jonas or would you prefer for me to discuss your test results in private?” Neiko was rubbing in some antibacterial hand gel across his palms and Isak sighed at the suggestion he was about to be prodded again. Isak didn’t know what he wanted so he stayed quiet. Jonas prompted him, uncertain if Isak was coherent enough to ask him to leave. 

“I can stay, if you want.” Isak didn’t respond, “I can also go-“

“It’s okay. I might forget.” Isak half-smiled at Jonas and turned back to Neiko. Neiko was a little relieved, but remained professional and aimed to explain things to Isak and Jonas as clearly as possible. 

Isak’s test results had come back clear so far and this seemed like a little victory in a night of few celebrations. When Neiko mentioned condoms, risk, pre-exposure drugs and more tests in three months’ time, Isak muted his brain and picked at the velcro of the wrist brace that Neiko had just helped fit. Jonas took the prescription from Neiko and promised he’d get it filled before they left that morning. He had begun nodding confidently as Neiko gave him instructions about how to help Isak take it easy, which signs of infection to look out for in the stitches. Isak started listening again after being handed several leaflets for groups and people that might be of use to him. Isak folded the leaflets in half to hide the intimidating words in their titles. He would read them later, when he had locked the bathroom door and there was no chance of Even walking in on him. 

Before Neiko left, he pulled a business card from his top pocket. It wasn’t his, but for a police outreach officer. Neiko had asked Isak if he wanted to report the attack earlier, and Isak had said no. “If you decide you want to, just give this number a ring. I’ve worked with her on several occasions and she is one of the best.” Isak took the card and pressed its sharp edges into the palm of his hand. 

It was Jonas who picked up on Neiko’s inflection of ‘several occasions’. Of course this hadn’t happened to just Isak. It made Jonas feel nauseous. Isak wasn’t capable of articulating how he felt. He felt too much and all at once. Especially when Neiko checked him over one final time, before asking him to sign the discharge papers. He scribbled his name and Neiko wished them both a good day’s sleep. 

It was then that Isak realised he didn’t have any clothes to wear home. Neiko had known this and had taken a spare set of scrubs from the office. It wasn’t perfect, still too few layers but at least Isak wouldn’t have to wear a gaping gown and lose all sense of dignity. _Home._ Isak rubbed his hands roughly over his face several times, letting the dull ache permeate across his cheekbone. He needed to get home but the journey across the city seemed impossible. At least it was a Saturday morning, so the trams wouldn’t be filled with people on their way to work. They should be empty. 

“We’ll get a taxi back.” Jonas was not a mind-reader by any means but he too did not want to attempt to usher Isak on and off and hold him upright when he was ready to crash himself. “Here, take my shirt.” Jonas took off his t-shirt, and helped bundle Isak in it alongside his scarf. He took the leaflets from Isak and zipped them in his jacket pocket, not wanting to lose them. He re-tied Isak’s shoelaces and stood ready to catch Isak as he climbed gingerly off the bed. Isak was unsteady but led Jonas from the hospital. He didn’t look back and hoped he’d never have to see the gaudy green of the cubicle curtains again. 

_Home._ Isak was ready to go home and this propelled him towards the taxi rank. Ready to crawl into bed and not leave it until he was ready to face the world again. Ready to face Even.


	8. Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi
> 
> wow okay so I hit 5000 words and I want to say a huge thank you for all of the kudos / comments / bookmarks / subscriptions. this started out as an itch in the back of my mind and is the first time i've written so this feels like a bit of a day right now

Isak was staring out of the taxi window watching the sun peak out from, and then disappear behind clouds, when it pulled up outside their flat. Jonas handed Isak the door keys and paid the driver. Isak was panting lightly by the time they made it to the top of the stairs, his chest feeling tight. His hands shook as he tried to shove the key into the door but he kept missing the slot. Jonas put a hand over Isak’s to steady it and then they were home. 

Isak stood frozen just a couple of feet inside the flat. He could see Even through their open bedroom door. He was still fast asleep and caught in their duvet. His mouth was open and he looked peaceful. Isak licked his lips, feeling the roughness of dry skin and teeth marks, but he didn’t move towards the bed. Jonas hovered behind him. He wasn’t sure if Isak would try to leave so he blocked the door. Jonas didn’t want to let him out of his sight again. 

Jonas didn’t want to push Isak but both were almost dead on their feet and Even would wake soon, if he didn’t when Isak climbed into bed with him. “I’ll put your meds in the kitchen, why don’t you get into bed?” Isak made to move towards the bedroom. As he did so, Even stirred and little and Isak took a sharp intake of breath. 

Suddenly, Isak didn’t want to get into his and Even’s white sheets. He felt his skin itch and looked down to see dried blood and dirt caked under his fingernails. He whispered, ominous to wake Even.

“I need to shower.” Jonas’s heart sank a little at the expression on Isak’s face. 

“Sure. Don’t lock the door, you might fall.” Jonas was doing his best to be practical and considerate. Isak muttered an agreement. But again, Isak made no move towards the bathroom and looked back to Even in their bed. 

“Could you…” Isak trailed off. Jonas waited. “Could you maybe tell him? Whilst I’m in the shower? Not all of it. Just that I got beaten.” Jonas answered quickly, relieved that Even would know but now also terrified of what he would say to Jonas when he found out he’d let him lie in bed all night, whilst his boyfriend laid in a hospital bed the other side of the city. 

“Yeah.” Isak tugged one-half of his mouth up into a smile. “I’ll give you ten minutes, then I’m coming in. You shouldn’t stand up too long. You are exhausted.” Isak lost his smile. 

“We both are.” Isak steadied himself against the wall then entered the bathroom. Jonas listened out for the door to lock but it didn’t and the shower started up. The groan and whir of the water boiler woke Even so Jonas hurried into Isak and Even’s bedroom so that he wouldn’t freak at an Isak-less bed. 

Isak didn’t look in the mirror, or at his body when he stepped into the shower. He saw the water turn pink, speckled with dirt, as it swirled around the shower tray. He used Even’s shower gel, carefully avoiding the medical gauze taped over his cheek. It smelt like mint and stung a little. He rinsed his hair twice with shampoo, whimpering as he lifted his arms to tug out the knots, his ribs protesting. He heard a shout from the other side of the door, and knew that Even was awake. He couldn’t move. He let the water, that he now realised was too hot and turning his skin a mottled red rain down over him. He rested against the wall of the shower, tired and aching and scared. 

He nearly fell when he heard banging against the door and the agitated voices of Even and Jonas. 

“Jonas! He shouldn’t be in there alone if he’s hurt. Let me in. Isa-“ Even was clearly trying to get into the bathroom. Isak sunk down a little against the wall. Even sounded angry. He should have told him straight away. Or he shouldn’t have gone out at all. 

“I didn’t let him lock the door! He needs privacy!” Jonas was fighting a losing battle and he knew it. Isak sunk to the bottom of the shower and pulled his knees to his chest. He didn’t want to hear anymore fighting. He pushed his head down on his arms and waited for the inevitable. 

After getting no response from Isak, Even opened the door to see his boy crumpled and shivering under the shower. Isak didn’t want to look up at him. He heard the shower turn off, then felt it slow to a dribble. He felt somebody wrap a large beach towel around him and someone reach out to push the hair from his face. He knew it was Even, his fingertips calloused from many nights spent with a paintbrush. He didn’t look up but could make out Jonas leaning against the doorframe, looking nervous. Even ran his fingers around Isak’s face so that it rested on his chin, then pulled his face up to look at him. He spoke softly, full of hope and concern. 

“Love?”


	9. Deserved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Even’s eyes were warm and showed no signs of anger or aggression. Isak let himself get lost in the oceans of blue before him. He wanted to tell Even everything that had happened to him, so he opened his mouth to begin somewhere that wasn’t quite the start but would explain enough. No words formed from Isak’s lips but instead he let out a strangled sigh that sounded too loud in the small space between them. 

He tore himself from Even’s eyes, and his hand on his chin to clutch tighter at the towel covering him. He might have bruises on his hips, and Even might read too much into them. Even sat back on his heels, wary that Isak very much looked like a dear caught in headlights in front of him. Even did not like Isak being scared of him. It happened rarely, and usually in a period of depression rather than mania, and had yet to happen when Even’s wasn’t experiencing the effects of his bipolar. He tilted his head, then looked back towards Jonas pleading for him to say something. 

Jonas was very aware that Isak’s body could tell Even much of the story he hadn’t let Jonas share and that only a small layer of fabric separated Even from the truth. He cleared his throat, then addressed Even. “Why don’t you get him some joggers and a hoodie? He needs to stay warm.” 

Even was grateful for the breathing space. Not that he wanted it. He wanted to curl up around Isak and paint tiny love-hearts across his chest with his paintbrush. Mark him, then photograph him, and exhibit it on display like he had done the term previously. His tutor had loved the work but Even had loved the pride on Isak’s face at being paraded around the exhibition. He looked at their copy on the wardrobe, trying to recognise the same boy in the bathroom. 

Jonas and Isak were standing together, Jonas mostly propping Isak up when Even returned with the softest clothes he could find. Jonas was admonishing Isak gently for getting his wrist brace wet but neither made a move to remove it. Even’s arms were twitching, wanting to swap positions with Jonas to hold Isak, who seemed almost entirely unresponsive. “There are some painkillers by the sink, could you grab them and some water?” Jonas sent Even away again and helped Isak change clinically. 

Isak was dressed by the time Even returned, and felt much safer pulling the arms of the hoodie down into his palm. Jonas could tell he was more relaxed so handed Isak off onto Even. “I’m gonna go sleep but wake me if you need.” Jonas addressed both boys, left the bathroom, stripped his clothes then sunk into his bed. He rubbed tears from his eyes but fell asleep before they could trail down his face. 

Isak reached out to pull Even into a short hug, shaking his head as Even offered him the painkillers. Even let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He squeezed Isak too tight, and Isak moaned at the renewed pressure on his ribs. Even recognised the pain immediately.

“I’m sorry!” He was nervous and raised his hands to show he didn’t mean to hurt him. Isak pulled his arms back down and tugged him towards the bedroom. The room wasn’t dark as their curtains weren’t particularly well made. Bright light escaped from above the curtail rail but Isak didn’t know what time it was. Still morning. Still the same day since he’d been attacked. 

Even lifted their duvet and untangled it as Isak climbed onto the bed. He tried to roll onto his left side, before settling on his go-to knees curled towards his chest on his right side position. Even lowered the duvet over Isak, tucking it loosely around his chin. Isak had pushed his hair back into the hood and pulled the hood down as far as it would reach. His eyes were barely open anymore but something still didn’t feel right. Isak forced his eyes open and his brain to think. Even wasn’t in bed with him. He was standing at the foot of the bed licking his lips as if he was trying to stop himself asking questions. 

Isak’s voice was gravely when he spoke and Even wished he had made Isak take the painkillers. “Be with me.” Even wouldn’t leave Isak now though, to collect them from elsewhere in the flat. Isak nudged the duvet next to him and Even joined him in the bed. He longed to pull Isak on top of him and let him rest on his chest, but Even still had so many questions and knew nothing about where Isak was hurt or why. 

Isak decided for him, resting a hand over Even’s chest, grabbing both his hoodie and Even’s t-shirt into his palm. He tucked his head into Even’s body. Isak had very purposely made sure he wasn’t touching Even directly, wasn’t sure he deserved to until Even knew. Even was just relieved to have Isak in his arms. Despite both boy’s mind’s racing at one hundred miles a minute, sleep found them swiftly and thankfully.


	10. Board Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Even did not sleep all day, unlike Isak. He grabbed his laptop and tried to work on his art history essay but his brain was too active and any time Isak twitched he’d steal his full attention away. Isak was not sleeping deeply but slept for nearly fourteen hours. Even wondered about letting him sleep longer but thought it’d be a better idea to get some painkillers and food into him before he put on a movie and let him sleep again.

Jonas had not left his room yet either and Even knew he had more answers than he had given him that morning. Even carefully avoided jostling Isak on the bed and went into the kitchen to put the water onto boil and start mixing up a pasta sauce. He knocked on Jonas’s door and heard the creaking of the floorboards as Jonas walked towards his door and opened it. He had clearly just woken up, eyebrows pointing the wrong way and hair wild. 

“Hey.” Jonas greeted Even. 

“Hi. I’ve just put dinner on. You guys should probably eat.” Jonas’s stomach grumbled at the idea of food and an emptiness that only came with the awareness that he’d forgotten to eat filled his stomach. 

“Thanks. Yeah. Does Isak need anything?” Jonas had been Isak’s best friend long before Even had arrived, and had looked out for Isak for as long as he could remember being a decent human being. 

“He’s still asleep. I’m just going to wake him now.” Even headed back into his bedroom and Jonas headed into the kitchen where Jonas took charge of the pasta. 

Isak’s breathing was shallow and a little raspy but he didn’t look to be in much pain. Even pulled Isak’s hood back and stroked his hair whilst calling his name tenderly. Isak blinked several times then rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He squinted a little as his eyes adjusted to the light. 

“Hey baby.” Even kept stroking his hair and Isak melted into the touch. 

“Hey, baby.” Isak smirked, still relaxed from sleep. 

“How are you feeling?” Isak pouted as he took a moment to notice the threads of pain in his body. 

“It hurts Even.” Isak wasn’t sure what hurt exactly but he was sure that more of his body hurt than didn’t. Even helped him sit up and passed him the glass of water and couple of pills he’d bought in with him. 

“Sorry baby, I should’ve woken you earlier.” Even and Isak did not use cutesy names often, usually when one or the other was feeling guilty. This time their reasons for feeling so were invalid. Isak was nervous about swallowing the pills and waited until Even wasn’t watching his expression quite so closely to do so. He didn’t choke this time but couldn’t help but keep clearing his throat after he swallowed them down. 

Even took the empty glass from Isak and placed it on the sideboard. He took Isak’s hands and sat crossed legs on the bed. His face was open and trusting and he was going to ask Isak _things._ Isak was beginning to feel lightheaded with nervousness when they both jumped at the insistent ringing of the doorbell. Isak clutched Even’s hands tighter when he heard the front door slam shut and the unmistakable voices of Magnus, Madhi and Jonas approaching their bedroom. 

“Ah crap.” Even whispered. Jonas, Even, and Isak were clearly in no state for visitors and Jonas had clearly not had the chance to explain at the doorstep. Even and Isak’s bedroom door opened to Magnus striding into the room, rapping to something incomprehensible. Madhi was frowning at Jonas who was trying to apologise to Even and Isak from the other side of the door. Isak looked down into his lap so Magnus wouldn’t see his face. 

At the strange silence in the room, Magnus threw up his hands and looked between the boys. 

“Guys, what the fuck? First Saturday of the month! It’s beer and board games!”


	11. Umbrella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

The silence from the boys only became more awkward as nobody quite knew how to deal with an enthusiastic Magnus and more chilled but confused Madhi in front of them. Isak tried to twist his hands out of Even’s but he wouldn’t let him. Magnus scrutinized Even and Isak and then finally took in Jonas’s unkempt appearance, which for him was rare. He’d wear some crazy outfits but he’d never let his hair frizz. 

“Seriously, what’s going on?” Magnus focused his attention on Even. Maybe Even wasn’t well but Magnus quickly pushed that thought away. Even looked the most put together out of all of them. Even was his bro and he’d been doing well. Whatever was happening, it wasn’t on Even. 

Eventually Even spoke up, and broke the tension building in the bedroom. 

“Erm, Isak and Jonas were at the hospital all night.” Even couldn’t actually explain more than that since he hadn’t had more than a couple of minutes with an awake Isak to ask him. Magnus’s head shot up to examine Isak closer and Madhi turned around to put his arms on Jonas’s shoulders. He looked him up and down, searching for signs of injury. 

“It wasn’t me dude.” Jonas felt like he was betraying Isak and blushed as Madhi pulled him into a hug. 

“Isak?” Magnus stepped towards the bed, rapidly noticing that he hadn’t actually seen Isak’s face since he walked in the room. Even was cautious of Magnus getting too close, it was obvious Isak was still skittish and he hadn’t ducked his head for no reason. Isak didn’t look up and shrank back at having all eyes in the room on him. 

“I,” he hesitated and rolled his head from side to side, “I got beat up.” And as he started talking, Isak found he had very little control to stop. “They knocked me out with like some fucking metal umbrella and then they had some fun I guess.” Even got up from the bed and Isak tried to lower his head even more, not that it was possible since his chin was already tucked against his neck. Even didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t fight back, it made sense to Isak so he pushed his torn and sharp fingernails into the top of his arm, leaving red crescent moons there. He wanted to cry again. 

Even had not got up to leave Isak, but to be closer to him. He sat back against the headboard and pulled Isak back against his chest. Isak’s head swam at the sudden movement but he breathed deeply and smelled ginger biscuits, and coffee. Even. He decided he would keep hugging Even, because it made him feel like everything was a little bit better than it was. Magnus, Madhi and Jonas suddenly felt that they were intruding. Jonas had tensed at the idea that Isak’s attackers had had fun and had wanted to usher Magnus and Madhi from the room, unsure of how much Isak was going to reveal. 

“That’s messed up man, we should go. Let you guys do whatever.” Madhi spoke for Magnus who didn’t look like he wanted to leave but wanted to join Isak and Even on their bed for cuddles instead. 

“You can stay.” Isak mumbled into Even’s chest, who was surprised at Isak’s answer but knew how selfless Isak was. He often struggled at declining invites to hang out even when he was stressed or busy. Even was a little frustrated that he still hadn’t had any alone time with Isak but he would let Isak call the shots for now. 

“I cooked enough pasta for a week, so the boys need to eat then we could put on a movie or something?” Jonas nodded in agreement then escorted Magnus and Madhi to the kitchen to dish up the pasta. 

“Let’s give them a minute, they’ll join us when they are ready. Magnus you can choose the film. No violence. Find a comedy or something.” Isak could hear Jonas from the kitchen and he was right, he needed to talk to Even and he’d put it off long enough.


	12. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Neither Even nor Isak made any move to get up from the bed. Even was tempted to yank the duvet across both of them and try to send them back to sleep, but Isak hadn’t eaten all day and taking painkillers without food was rarely a good idea. Isak bit his lip as he debated whether to have this conversation with Even face to face or held against his chest. They sat holding each other quietly before Isak’s stomach rumbled and Even began the reluctant conversation. 

“I’m happy you’re safe.” There was a sadness in Even’s voice and Isak knew it was because he’d let him sleep all night. Even was meant to look after Isak and Isak was meant to look after Even but they were both so young and often tried to carry too much weight on their shoulders.   
“I’m sorry.” Isak was sincere. He hadn’t yet lied to Even but omitting the truth wasn’t something they did. His chest twinged and he felt as if a thorn bush had suddenly grown around his heart, guarding it. Even took his hand and pulled it against his chest so he could feel his own heartbeat. 

“We’ll do it together from now on. Yeah?” It wasn’t exactly a question. 

“Yeah.” The boys fell into a companionable silence again. Isak tried to start the conversation several times and felt himself getting teary eyed with frustration. His brain was somewhat disconnected from his mouth and nothing he wanted to say would come out. Even couldn’t see this struggle from where he rested his chin on the top of Isak’s head. 

“What did the police say? Do you have to go to the station on Monday?” Isak felt a deep wave of shame pass through him. It made sense that Even would presume the police were involved. It was probably more suspicious that they weren’t. Isak wasn’t the type of person to get involved in street fights, not since his foolish early teenage years. Even read Isak’s silence well and grew more agitated. “Isak, you did report this right?” 

Isak shook his head, then felt a strong desire to verbalise his answer. 

“No.” Isak was finding the word no a new experience. He had of course used the word frequently prior to last night but now it had a new shape in his mouth. “I couldn’t,” Isak justified softer. 

“Why?” Even didn’t understand, “You can’t just go through life letting people hurt you Isak.” Isak gasped involuntarily, and spent the next few breaths trying to catch up. He knew, really knew, that this was one of those sentences people throw around when they don’t understand or have any control over the situation. Even was scared. Isak hadn’t let him in when he was vulnerable, and he was hurting too, but it was all too soon for Isak. 

Isak attempted to get up from their bed, a little clumsy from the lack of food and the edges of the doorframe wobbled as he made his way towards it. Isak was done with this conversation for now. He couldn’t get into this now. Even wondered if he’d pushed too far too soon as he followed Isak into the lounge. Jonas had made a space on the sofa next to him. Madhi and Magnus squeezed into the armchair. Jonas had rearranged their spare pillows and the throw from the sofa bed into a perfect Isak sized space. Even could either sit with him, or by his feet depending on what Isak wanted. Several, still steaming, bowls of pasta were waiting on the coffee table. 

Magnus was ready to press play on Date Night when he caught a look at Isak’s bruised face for the first time. His eyebrows raised and mouth dropped open until Madhi whacked him on the back of the head. Isak shivered with embarrassment and patted the space between himself and Jonas for Even to take. He wasn’t angry at Even. He was angry at himself. Even passed him a bowl of pasta and he tried to swallow down as many mouthfuls as he could manage. He felt sick pretty quickly and passed it back to Even who frowned at the little food Isak had managed. Jonas too noticed this, and over the next couple of days they’d try everything possible to make sure Isak was eating more.


	13. Leaflets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi
> 
>  
> 
> work has stepped up its game so only one update a day for the rest of the week :( 
> 
> i love you all for your comments, they literally make me do a happy dance

The night was tame and Isak woke several hours later, in the early hours of the morning, slumped over the side of the sofa. Magnus had his arm thrown over Madhi’s chest, Even was about to slip off the coach and Jonas was the only other one awake. He was tapping furiously at his phone, playing a game, Isak watched as his eyebrows furrowed and contorted. 

Jonas felt someone watching him and gestured towards the kitchen when he saw it was Isak awake. Isak avoided knocking Even and followed Jonas into the kitchen. He didn’t know what the time was, but it was probably time for more painkillers if the dull throbbing in his ribs gave any indication. He’d have to get on a better schedule with them soon. His hands shook, cramped slightly, as he unscrewed the bottle then poured some out onto the counter. 

“Shit.” Several pills fell onto the floor and he huffed in frustration. Isak bent over to attempt to pick them up before letting out a louder “Shit!” as he clutched his ribs. He felt his vision almost white out at the sharpness of the pain and leaned heavily against the kitchen counter. Jonas put an arm on his shoulder to steady him, before picking up the pills from the kitchen floor. He poured a glass of water and held them out for Isak when he was ready. Isak swallowed them down quickly this time. 

“Do you have my phone?” Isak’s voice croaked a little. It took Jonas a while to remember what he had done with Isak’s phone. It had been chaotic when he’d picked it up off the concrete. 

“Yeah dude, it’s in my jacket.” Jonas gestured towards his bedroom, where the jacket was stuffed into the bottom of the wardrobe. “I can get it.”

“It’s okay, I just wasn’t sure.” Isak picked at the skin around his fingernails. “I haven’t thanked you yet.” Jonas almost rolled his eyes but held back not that Isak was even looking at him. He tried to carry on thanking Jonas before he interrupted. 

“Have you told Even yet?” Isak almost glared, before sticking out his neck instead. 

“No.” Isak’s answer was quick and definite. 

“Isak…” Jonas wanted to tell him that he should tell Even, or that he’d feel better, or that Even should know but none of those things seemed fair on Isak. Jonas wasn’t sure what to say next. 

“It’s fine Jonas. I’m fine.” Isak looked up at him then, attempting to convince him that Isak believed himself. 

“Fine enough to go to work today?” Jonas felt cruel and Isak broke eye contact again. 

“My ribs.” This was all the answer Isak gave but he knew it was enough. Isak worked at the University bookshop. He liked the job a lot, it gave him plenty of time to read through his course textbooks without buying them and his hours were scheduled around his timetable. “Actually, I should email in. Could you get my phone?”

“Yeah” and Jonas left the kitchen to grab Isak’s phone. He tried to wipe as much of the dried blood of as possible, using a bit of hand sanitizer next to his bed to do so. He wouldn’t give Isak his phone back painted with this own blood. Jonas paused as he took out Isak’s leaflets from the same pocket. Should he give them to Isak now? He wasn’t sure Isak was ready to read them but Jonas didn’t want Isak to feel alone and not know what help was out there. He hid them on the way back to the kitchen, checking the rest of the squad were still asleep. He first gave Isak his phone, then the leaflets from Dr. Neiko. 

Isak stared at them blankly before taking them from Jonas. He ignored his phone and unfolded them, turning his back to the lounge in case anybody walked in. Jonas, wanting to encourage Isak, cleared his throat faintly. “If you want me to take you, or go with you, to any of these let me know bro.” 

Isak felt his heart flutter. Jonas still thought of him as his bro in spite of everything he knew and had seen. Isak almost flung himself at Jonas, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. And that was how Even found them as he walked in a couple of moments later.


	14. Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Jonas and Isak did not jump apart like in a movie, it wasn’t uncommon for them to hug and Even was not jealous. Jonas did whisper Even’s name into Isak’s ear however so that he would know he was there. Isak clutched the leaflets tighter, almost screwing them up into his fist. He turned to face Even, shoving the leaflets in his back pocket as he did so. 

“Hi.” Isak smiled the most genuine smile Even had seen since that morning. 

“Hi.” Even smiled back in return. He stepped towards Isak and tucked his hair back behind his ear. “Let’s go back to bed. I’ll make you breakfast. Wait on you hand and foot.” Isak waved to Jonas in goodbye, as he and Even left the kitchen and returned to their bedroom. “I’ll make you anything you want babe, what do you fancy?”

“Kiss me.” Isak said in return. He was itching to swap out of his hoodie and put on a fresh t-shirt, or take another shower but he also had a sudden desire to feel Even’s lips on his. He wanted to forget the rough feeling of teeth and a taste that wasn’t Even. 

Even smirked, playful. “And what if I say no?” Isak was shocked, and his fleeting moment of self-confidence left. He didn’t have an answer for Even. Even too was thrown at the sadness that grew over Isak’s entire body. His shoulder slumped, hands started fidgeting, and eyes seemed to glaze over. Even was no longer playful, and he reminded himself that Isak was still reacting to the trauma of being attacked, sarcasm or teasing wouldn’t go down well right now. “I never want to say no to you Isak.”

Even waited for Isak to respond, and it was only when his eyes refocused on the curve of Even’s lips did Even move into Isak’s personal space. He pulled him flush against his body, one armed wrapped around his waist. Waited for Isak to push his nose against his then kissed him. Gently and trusting and honest. Isak didn’t open his lips and Even didn’t push through with his tongue. 

In that moment Isak thought of nothing but Even. The way his hand tightened against his waist, the way his breath caught when Isak curled his tongue against the inner corner of Even’s mouth, the way their mouths fitted together and fought back to find each other. 

Even pulled away when he felt a wetness on his cheek. Isak’s eyes were closed but loose tears were falling down his cheeks. Even brushed them away with the pads of his thumb then scattered little kisses across his face, not avoiding the bruises but being particularly careful. 

“They didn’t just beat me.” Isak let his head be held in Even’s hands, if Even let go he was worried he would drift away. Even made an inquisitive noise but didn’t press. His thumbs stroked Isak’s eyes, encouraged him to open them. “I – They – They knew I was gay.” Isak looked at Even properly then, finally for the first time since he’d picked him up off the shower floor. 

“It was a hate crime?” Isak tried to answer with his eyes, conveying as much hurt there as he thought possible. It took Isak several goes again to answer. 

“Yes, I don’t know. I guess so?” Isak was flustered. 

“I’m so sorry baby. So sorry.” Even pulled him back into a hug, scared to let him go. He rubbed his hands up and down Isak’s back and it jostled the leaflets in Isak’s pocket. Isak wanted to pull them out, hand them over, and spill the last of his secrets. But he couldn’t, and didn’t. Even had kissed him and only the smallest part of Isak had felt wrong. Even didn’t need to know. He’d speak to the people in the leaflets and only tell Even if it became a thing or a problem. Even was almost rambling apologies now, so Isak quieted him with kisses instead.


	15. Photos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> To celebrate hitting 10,000 words here is a sneaky double update!

Isak pulled Even to the bed after a while, although it was quite clear that nothing more sexual than kissing would happen. Isak’s cheekbone was beginning to burn a little at the pressure of Even’s face and he remembered how hard he had pressed it into the concrete in order to be as far away from them as possible. He pushed Even away and let himself relax on top of their duvet. 

Isak let out a deep sigh. “I need to study.” 

“No way. You aren’t studying.” Even was incredulous. “I’m making you breakfast then you are spending the day recovering either here, or on the sofa.” Isak groaned a little, thinking about the mountain of lab reports he was supposed to get through this weekend to prepare for their practicals next week. “Pancakes?” 

Isak wasn’t hungry. The lack of appetite wasn’t on purpose but his stomach still felt in knots and he could feel his anxiety levels peaking at the thought of food. He nodded and Even looked at him as if he had made some sort of achievement. When Even left the room, Isak licked his lips and ran his tongue over his teeth. If he thought hard enough he could still taste salt and bitterness that made him gag slightly. He shook himself and looked around for a distraction. He noticed the wrist brace instead, slightly sweaty with use. He unstrapped it and examined the bruising. He could still see the fingerprints but he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to unsee them. Isak had been doing so well that morning until this point, why did he have to force himself to confront what happened and ruin it, he berated himself. 

Isak re-strapped the brace, then changed into some clean clothes. Still baggy and hiding the majority of his injuries from the boys but he felt a little fresher at least. He looked at his face in the mirror for the first time. An amalgamation of swirling purples and greens. Isak thought of Starry Night and wondered if Even would paint this version of his face, the sweeping paint strokes blurring the bruises and immortalising his hurt. Even loved to paint Isak but Isak wasn’t sure he wanted Even scrutinising him that closely. He might ask. 

Isak’s phone pinged as he received a reply from work. He hadn’t told them what happened, they too would see it soon enough on his face, but told them he was sick. His boss wished him better and told him not to worry about coming in. Isak realised how low the battery was then, and hunted for a charger to plug it in. He found one tangled in the desk drawer, and the phone pinged again moments after he put it onto charge. 

Isak frowned as an unknown number appeared on the lock screen alongside the words _has sent a photo_. He swiped his phone open and clicked onto the message. The photo enlarged and took up the whole screen. Isak’s heart thudded as he stared back at his own face. He nearly dropped the phone onto the desk but found him gripping it fiercely instead. His eyes weren’t looking at the camera but screwed shut. His face was smeared in blood and dirt and his saliva was dripping down his chin. What Isak couldn’t stop looking at in the photograph, was the hand twisted in his hair, pulling his face flush against the man’s crotch. Isak’s fingers started to curl with the loss of blood flow hyperventilation bought on and he closed the photos app and locked the screen. He twisted round a couple of times helplessly and felt his fingers curl into fists. He remembered the fullness of the man shoved into his mouth and gagged as he tried to swallow down a scream. 

Even was just walking back to the bedroom, carrying a plate of pancakes syruped and ready, when Isak slammed open the bedroom door. Jonas stuck his head around the lounge door and Madhi and Magnus woke in time just to hear Isak retch and throw up, his hands twisted in his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one hurts, I'm sorry


	16. Preview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi

Jonas made it to the bathroom first and rested his hand on Isak’s back. He could feel him shuddering as he continued to gag. He frowned as Isak shook off Jonas’s touch. “Please don’t touch me right now.” Isak rested his head against the porcelain of the toilet and tried to clear his mind. 

Even joined them in the bathroom, a glass of water ready in his hand. “Are you okay, love? Are you having a reaction to the painkillers or did the doctor say anything about concussion?” 

“No concussion.” Jonas answered, “Maybe the painkillers, you haven’t really eaten much.” 

Isak let Jonas and Even discuss him but ignored them. His head throbbed and he abruptly felt very alone again. This was in spite of the three of them squeezed into the small bathroom and Madhi and Magnus watching on from the doorway. Even sat next to Isak on the floor and forced the glass of water into his hands. 

“Little sips.” Isak swirled the water around his mouth then spat it out into the toilet. Jonas passed him a flannel and he wiped his face clean. Isak knew he would have to supply the room with some reason as to why he had just thrown up before they sent him off to the doctors. 

“Probably the painkillers.” If Isak had lost the rasp in his voice that had appeared immediately after the attack, this current round of sickness had bought it back. He felt the nausea subside and was confident he had thrown up all he was capable of. He sat back against the wall of the bathroom, let his head fall back against the tiles and breathed slowly. 

“You are having such a rough weekend dude” Magnus chimed in. 

“No shit.” Madhi jeered. 

“C’mon, let’s get some food in you, then movies all day.” Even reached over to take Isak’s hand. Isak hesitated briefly then let him hold it, making no effort to get up from the floor. Even rubbed the back of his hand and Isak felt the tips of his fingers tingle as his blood cells carried oxygen all the way back around his body again. Isak briefly thought of the hands in his hair again and looked up into Even’s eyes so he wouldn’t get stuck down that alley again. 

“Yeah.” Isak let Even help him up off the floor, waiting for the head-rush to pass. He really should eat and drink something properly. He didn’t need to pass out and have Even worrying even more than he already was. Madhi and Magnus cleared the hallway as they all made their way into the kitchen, Isak given the seat at their little foldaway table. 

“Do you want to try the pancakes or something plainer babe?” Isak shook his head so Madhi grabbed the pancakes from the counter Even had left them on and began digging in. Even popped some bread in the toaster and got Isak a new glass of water. Isak ate slowly and carefully. Even and Jonas both exchanged relieved glances when he finished the small but well-needed portion on his plate. 

Madhi and Magnus left soon after breakfast, they didn’t usually stay over after Beer and Board Games, not that there had been beer or board games last night, so they both needed to get back and text their respective girlfriends. Magnus was still with Vilde and had outlasted all expectation and Madhi had met a girl named Jana just the month before at church. He wasn’t sure it would last, yet. 

Once they left Isak made a hasty retreat to their bedroom, wanting to avoid further questions from Jonas. He wrapped himself in their duvet and gave no preference when Even asked what film he wanted on. Even had grabbed Isak’s laptop because he was going to be working on his essay on his own. He logged into their Netflix account and was scrolling through the list of Marvel films when a pop-up appeared informing him the iCloud sync was complete. He clicked on the message to close it, but huffed instead when it began opening the Photos folder. It did this every time, and every time it made Isak’s laptop freeze. He tapped the edge of the laptop repetitively and waited for the folder to open so he could close it, put Isak’s film on and start studying. 

The folder opened but it was stuck on the preview screen. Even recoiled as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing on the screen. His eyebrows were tightly pulled together then raised as he recognised Isak. Isak on his knees for another man. Isak hurt and degraded. He sharply turned to look at Isak on the bed, the laptop almost falling from his knees. Isak’s eyes were closed, bundled in layers upon layers of clothing and duvet, he looked peaceful. Even realised this was a lie.


	17. Green Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar 
> 
> who doesn't love a cliffhanger, am I right?

Even closed the folder and stared blankly at the screen for too long. 

“Evvy I don’t care what the film is. Just put something on.” Isak whined. The longer Even looked for a film, the more pretentious it got. Even started _Ant Man_ , put Isak’s laptop at the edge of the bed and just stood there. He took a moment to look at Isak, and really look. Isak hadn’t given him much chance, he had barely seen the bruises from the shower and not since then had Isak been in anything less than long sleeves. He wouldn’t take off the wrist brace. He was just sick. These were clues Even hadn’t ignored but had barely had the breathing time to investigate. “Why are you just standing there?” Isak asked at Even’s spaced out stare. 

Even snapped out of it. “Er, I’m going to grab some green tea.” Even opened their bedroom door. “I think it’ll help settle your stomach.” He called from the hallway. Even spotted a flash of black curls disappearing into the kitchen. Jonas. Feeling agitated, he almost ran into the kitchen and cornered Jonas against the countertop. Even spoke with a very forceful but hushed tone.

“I need you to tell me if Isak was raped.” 

Jonas’s mouth hung open in shock. Surely Even wouldn’t be out here in the kitchen if Isak had just spoken to him about the attack. Even would be holding Isak, or if Isak shrugged off his touch, he’d be comforting him. Neither would Isak just let Even run off, it was a well-established rule that if anybody had any surprising or potentially risky news for Even they wouldn’t let him leave alone until they were sure he had a handle on his emotions. It had been Even who had suggested it, sick of overdramatic worried text messages. 

“What the hell Even!” 

“You were with him at the hospital you must know.” Even stepped back a little to give Jonas a little more space but he towered over him and Jonas was a little intimidated. 

“Has Isak said something to you?” Jonas needed to focus. He needed to find out what was going on and he needed to protect Isak. 

“No, I found a photo. That’s why I needed to ask you.” ‘A photo?’ Jonas mouthed. Isak hadn’t mentioned anything about photos or a camera unless it was from the hospital appointment. He didn’t know how Even could have even seen them though. It wasn’t like they sent them to Isak via email. 

“And why can’t you ask him?” Jonas was sincere here. One part of him wanted to answer Even and tell him everything he had heard and the small changes he’d noticed in Isak since. The more reluctant part remembered Isak’s threat to never speak to him again if he told Even; the google search that said Isak should be allowed to make as many decisions about the day to day running of his life as possible, to reaffirm the sense of control; and the fear in Isak’s face. 

“Because he hasn’t told me for a reason Jonas! Whatever stupid reason his totally irrational brain has tricked him into believing.” Even’s voice was getting louder and Jonas hushed him. Both boys paused and Even stilled his near flailing arms. Jonas was not scared of Even in an aggressive or violent manner but scared that Even might do something he would regret. 

“So you won’t ask Isak about this because Isak hasn’t told you?” Jonas emphasised Isak’s name. 

“Yes.” Even’s voice broke. He had never felt so frustrated in his life. His loving and caring boyfriend was hiding himself away in oversized clothes and fake smiles and brave touches and Even could do absolutely nothing about it. He wasn’t even sure if he should still ask Isak for hugs. God knows why Isak wanted Even to kiss him. Isak was probably trembling from fear the whole time and Even hadn’t noticed. 

“Then I can’t answer.” Even’s thoughts stopped spiralling, shocked at Jonas’s answer.

“Jonas this is serious!” Even pushed back into Jonas’s space again. 

“Yeah I fucking know Even.” Jonas spoke slowly and ran his hand through his hair. “But you just said yourself you won’t ask Isak because he didn’t tell you. He has the right to decide who knows shit about him. And I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying I don’t think it’s fair I give you an answer when he’s lying on a bed like five metres from us. ”

Even deflated and his eyes flicked towards the kettle. Tea. He had said he would make Isak tea to help his stomach. He should focus on the things he could do to help. Even was just about to start racking his brains to think of behaviours he should adjust, or be more aware of, when another fear appeared at the forefront of his mind. 

“Did the doctor know? He could still be hurt.”

“The doctor knew whatever Isak told him.” Even nodded, took the tea strainer from the mug and chucked it on the countertop. Jonas didn’t like the half glare, half jealous look Even was giving him. 

“You are really good to him Jonas.” Any tension that had built between Jonas and Even dissipated. Even picked up the tea, took a deep breath and walked calmly back into his bedroom to Isak who was waiting for him with bright eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really nervous about the last chapter and this one for the following reason: ISAK SHOULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO TALK TO EVEN ABOUT HIS TRAUMA HIMSELF 
> 
> ^ and this absolutely will happen, it is really important to me that it does 
> 
> but i really wanted to see how Even would react and throw Jonas into another 'protect Isak at all costs' situation 
> 
> I'd love to know what you thought of this choice?
> 
> thank you so much for sticking around and reading, I hope you are all enjoying this journey as much as I am <3


	18. Shower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> i'm sick so probably no update tomorrow :( but I think we will hit 10,000 hits (omg) so I might be able to pull one together for you all <3

Isak was very much unable to decide if he wanted to be alone, or not. Every time someone else was in the room with him, he felt a pressure build behind his eyes and he found it took enormous energy to hold a conversation or stop them from analysing his movements. He liked the stillness that being alone bought. 

However, being alone also meant there was little to distract Isak from his thoughts and the darkness behind his eyelids reminded him of the alley that he was trying very hard to forget. The noise of the boys, or of Even typing away rhythmically on his laptop, helped blur Isak’s thoughts and numb the building headache. 

Isak didn’t know how long Even had left him to make tea for. Isak was looking at the laptop screen but not actually watching the film. He had wanted some background noise though, and wanted Even to hurry up so that he could cuddle into him and read his essay as he typed. Actually, the more he thought about the things he wanted, the more green tea sounded good.  
Isak could hear Even approaching and sat up, ready to reassure his stomach that green tea was safe and wanted. He felt his heart clench at the brief thought that he should encourage his brain that he was still safe and wanted too. 

Isak thought Even’s smile looked a little forced as he placed the tea on the bedside table. But his voice sounded normal as he asked Isak “Did work reply, or do you want me to call in for you?” 

“No! “Isak didn’t want Even to look at his phone. He hadn’t even deleted the photo before he’d felt sick enough to run out of the room. “I mean yes they replied. It’s chill.” His heart started beating faster as he looked around the room for his phone. He had to delete that photo and block the number. There was no way Isak was going to torture himself and look at the photo longer than he had to. He spotted his phone, well clear from Even and let himself relax. He squeezed himself under Even’s arms, head tilted on his chest. Even took a moment to stroke Isak’s hair, watch his boy’s eyes flutter under his touch then opened up his essay and began typing erratically. Even wasn’t really doing a good job on the essay but Isak couldn’t blame him. 

Even was nervous at Isak’s closeness, worried he’d move too quickly and hurt or scare Isak but Isak melted into his touch and fell asleep again pretty soon. If Isak wasn’t taking such strong painkillers, Even would worry at the speed he fell asleep but Isak needed time for his body to heal and his brain to process what happened. Even worked on the essay properly for a couple of hours before switching to tumblr and reblogging city aesthetic gifs. 

He was just tagging a ridiculous number of followers on a cool ask game when Isak jerked awake and head-butted Even, the top of Isak’s head catching Even’s chin. Both boys let out a cry of pain, Even rolling his bitten tongue around in his mouth and Isak wincing at the blossoming pain in his skull. “Sorry! I’m sorry!” Even wanted Isak to stop apologising so he pressed a kiss to the top of his head instead. 

“Sorry you had a bad dream baby.” Isak knew there was no denying it Even was perceptive. Isak had developed a sheen of sweat on his forehead and he felt his clothes stick to his body.   
Even felt Isak push away from him and he wondered if it was to do with the subject of Isak’s dream or him overheating in his many layers. Isak sipped at the now cold green tea and pushed the hoodie sleeves high up his arms. Even saw a couple of exposed bruises low on Isak’s forearms and knew he was hiding more. Isak’s wrist was itchy from the brace but he couldn’t take it off until the bruises blurred into meaningless shapes. “You looked worked up, do you want to get in the shower?” 

“Together?” Isak did feel gross and still pretty weak but he couldn’t let Even see his body and the marks they had left behind. 

“You can lean against me and I can wash your hair.” Even wasn’t sure what his aim was here, he wasn’t trying to push Isak into talking about the attack but was interested to see how Isak would react. He was finding Isak’s boundaries again. 

“I don’t want you to see me like this.” Isak was clear. 

“Isak I love you.” Isak blushed. “I love your brain even when you are wrong, your compassion even when you are grumpy, and your body even when you are bruised.” Even kissed his bruised cheek in a sign of solidarity. They didn’t have to shower long, and Isak was shorter then Even so maybe he wouldn’t notice. He’d keep the wrist brace on. 

“No shower sex?” Isak clutched his ribs. He could easily use his ribs as an excuse but for how long Isak wasn’t sure. 

“No shower sex.” Even didn’t elaborate. 

“Okay.” Isak spoke softly and Even wondered if Isak actually wanted them to shower together or not. “You get the towels.”


	19. Boxers

Both Isak and Even showed obvious signs of nervousness as they got ready to shower together. They both knew nothing sexual was going to happen, and they showered together often but there was a little tension in the air and Isak knew that this was one of the most intimate things he could do with Even – to be entirely vulnerable under his gaze. 

“I’ll go first, check the water is okay” Even spoke as he helped Isak take the hoodie off. “Then you can join me when you are ready.” Isak hummed in agreement. Even wasn’t sure whether he should help Isak take the rest of his clothes off so he started on his own instead. Isak held the hem of his t-shirt and watched Even get his own caught around his ears. Isak felt much calmer than he was sure he should. Even was not ripped and Isak loved the way his body had a little bit of give to it, if he poked his belly. Neither boy was particularly hairy, both being blond, but Even did have a large number of freckles all over his body. Many times had Isak played a game in trying to lick or kiss them all before Even begged him to kiss him, or suck his dick, and many times had Isak failed. Isak licked his lips instinctly when Even pulled his boxers off and stood with a hesitant grin before him. “Do you need help with your shirt?” 

Isak pulled his t-shirt lower and shook his head. He did need help, there was no way he would be able to take it off over his head without his ribs putting up some sort of protest but he wasn’t quite ready for Even to see him yet. He still didn’t know if there were bruises on his hips. “Could you erm…Maybe...erm.” 

“Anything. Ask me.” Even puffed out his chest, proud at this good boyfriend routine and the trust Isak was giving to him. 

“Could you like turn around and then not look at me until I say?” Isak figured this was the best way to minimise the time Even would spend examining the bruises on his body. “Iknowit’sweird.” Even placed his index finger on Isak’s lips to stop him from rambling.   
“You can change your mind at any time. I know we do this a lot but it’s different today.” Isak pushed his lips out and gave Even’s finger a quick kiss. Even grinned widely and raised his eyebrows. Isak didn’t worry about why Even thought it was different today, he didn’t know and Jonas hadn’t had the chance to speak to him so Isak’s secret was safe. 

Even was getting a little chilly since he had now been naked for a while and not yet got into the shower. “Okay, I’m getting in. Don’t rush. Don’t hurt yourself.” Isak rolled his eyes in response. Even opened the shower door, hissed at the cold water that always came out first then turned to face the wall so that Isak would have some privacy to finish taking his clothes off. 

Eventually, Isak wrestled his t-shirt off; he was sweating again with the exertion. He shimmied his joggers off and was stood there in boxers. Nearly naked. He felt his head swim slightly as he took a good look at his body. In places he ached there were no bruises and in places he thought were fine formed blues and greens. It could’ve been worse. Visibly he meant. He took a deep breath and pulled his boxers down. He wasn’t the kind of person to inspect himself every time he got in the shower so spending so much time looking at himself made him uncomfortable. Isak didn’t even look in mirrors more than once in the morning. 

Even could hear Isak let out what sounded like a sigh of relief. He wanted to turn around and check Isak was okay but didn’t want to do anything to spook Isak. Isak had indeed let out a sigh of relief. There weren’t any bruises on his hips. No handprints or fingerprints just a graze from the concrete. He pushed open the shower door and carefully stepped in behind Even. Their bodies not yet touching which was impressive considering the size of the shower. 

“Hey.” Isak greeted Even after a while, giving a sign it was okay for Even to turn around. Even turned slowly, his eyes looking for Isak’s face. Isak stood there apprehensive, his arms crossed against his stomach. Even frowned at the wrist brace still on Isak’s wrist. He tapped it and pulled a questioning face. “It hurts a lot. I don’t want to take it off yet.” Isak justified. Even ran his hands over Isak’s arms until they reached his hands. Even went to take Isak’s hands and raised his eyebrows. Isak nodded so Even took his both of Isak’s hands in his and pulled them between Isak’s chest and his own. Both boys took a small step forward so that their hands were squeezed between their chests. 

“You’re my brave boy Isak.” Isak didn’t roll his eyes this time. He felt the water rain over his face and wasn’t sure if he was crying or not. Isak tilted his head up and kissed Even deeply on the mouth. Even kissed back with everything he had in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> the medicine worked today so I actually feel better 
> 
> AND there will be a bonus update for 10,000 hits yayy!!


	20. Guru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> double update for 10,000 hits 
> 
> thank you so much!!! 
> 
> a celebratory Eskild appears

The boys didn’t shower long, only enough to rinse the sweat from their bodies and for Even to wash Isak’s hair gently. Isak found himself humming in pleasure as Even rubbed small circles into his scalp. Eventually, Even shut off the water and stood ready to catch Isak if he slipped on his way out of the shower. He didn’t but was feeling tired from standing up so long so he sat on the toilet seat, wrapped in his towel, taking a minute to catch his breath. 

Even left him there to go get changed then bought Isak some fresh clothes from their wardrobe. Purposely choosing clothes that weren’t his or oversized but that were comfortable and ones Isak should feel okay in. Even asked if Isak wanted help changing and he agreed this time too achy and too relaxed to put up a fight. Soon, Even led Isak to the sofa and dosed him up on more painkillers and green tea. Isak was feeling good and less anxious now that he was clean again. 

Sunday afternoons meant that Even usually went to the Mind Your Head Society meet-ups. It was a pretty informal group for University students with various mental illness diagnosis. Even enjoyed the meetings a lot as they didn’t always just sit in a circle and explain their concerns but did fun and meaningful activities like helping out at local youth groups or baking cakes for the local elderly homes. The people were kind and diverse and Isak tended to tag along to their socials. Normally, Even would go to Mind Your Head while Isak was at work on Sundays, then they’d meet afterwards to food shop for the rest of the week. Whilst Isak was clearly in no state to go to work, they still needed food. 

“Do you remember how I said I’d run a painting class for Mind Your Head this week?” Even broached the topic. Isak had undoubtedly forgotten but looked around for a clock in the room to check the time. 

“Even go!” Isak didn’t want Even to miss this, he’d been planning the session for ages and was looking forward to sharing his interests with the rest of the group. “Honestly, I’ll be fine. I’ll probably sleep again. And Jonas is here, I think.” Even thought about how selfless Isak was again but honestly, Isak was doing much better than before. 

“Jonas is in his room.” Even confirmed. “I was thinking maybe I could invite Eskild over? I know you were planning to meet him sometime soon.” Even found it difficult to comprehend how Eskild at such a young age, had done a better job of being a father figure to Isak than Isak’s own father had. 

Isak hesitated. Eskild had a fierce determination and would not easily give up until Isak had given him all the details of the last few days. He’d probably burst into tears when Isak opened the door. But Eskild used to cut Isak’s hair and Isak was feeling really resentful of the curls that had so well fitted into the man’s fists. 

“That would be nice.” Isak smiled gradually. Maybe Isak would tell Eskild the truth. He’d understand about Even. He’d keep an eye out for him.   
“Great, I’ll give him a ring now.” Even passed Isak the TV remote then went to ring Eskild from their bedroom. 

Exactly 23 minutes after Even had rung Eskild, and ten minutes after Even left for campus, Isak opened the door to an already ranting Eskild. 

“Isak! Why on earth didn’t you tell me what happened? I would’ve picked you up from the hospital! I’ve sent you messages you know. Wanted to know if you saw the cute guy on that housing programme but I thought you were just being lazy.” Eskild stopped. Took a long look at Isak who was flicking his eyes up and down Eskild’s body, not really stopping to keep eye contact. 

“Hi.” 

“Isak.” Eskild let out a long steady breath as he said his name. Eskild had known that Isak had been attacked, nearly dropped his phone when Even told him and promised to be over as soon as possible so that his baby gay wouldn’t be left alone so soon but he had not expected Isak to look so hurt and so resolute at the same time. Eskild could see a fight blazing in Isak’s eyes that none of the other boys had seen. And that was when Eskild knew that Isak hadn’t just been beaten. Something had been taken or someone had humiliated him that had built a new wall around Isak’s heart. He was angry again and Eskild hadn’t seen Isak angry in a very long time. Eskild threw his arms wide and hugged Isak tightly. Isak hugged back. Tighter. 

“Maybe we should go to my room to talk?” Isak murmured into Eskild’s shoulder. Eskild kept his arm wrapped around Isak’s waist as they walked into the bedroom. 

“Your guru is here.” Eskild lacked his usual teasing and Isak knew this conversation would be easier than he had thought. Eskild always seemed to know when to pry and when to read between the lines. “Let me take your troubles from you.”


	21. Scissors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Eskild sat, like he had many times before, on the edge of Isak’s bed as he waited for him to begin. Isak felt a quiet inevitability as he told Eskild the truth about what happened a couple of nights ago and guilt blossomed in him that yet another person knew. 

“Did you get checked over at the hospital properly? I can take you back if you need to get tested.” Eskild didn’t soften his voice but spoke to him normally, as he would if Isak had told him anything else. However, inside Eskild felt his heart break slightly because he knew how difficult Isak had found being with Even at the start of their relationship. He’d spent many nights convincing the boy he was brave and safe and loved but Eskild was ready to convince Isak all over again if that was what he needed. 

“They knew.” Isak’s memories of the hospital were hazy but he remembered the feeling of helplessness as he let himself be examined. 

“Does Even know?” 

“No.” Eskild raised his eyebrows but he wasn’t really shocked. Isak was intensely private after all. Isak’s ‘no’ had sounded defensive but wavered. 

“Why?” Eskild asked simply. 

“I don’t know how to tell him!” Isak got off the bed and started pacing the room agitated. “Oh hey Even do you remember that night when you stayed in bed and I went out and came home crying the next morning? Yeah turns out someone tried to shove a cock that wasn’t yours into me, and I didn’t like that much.” Eskild could feel the heat and anger radiating off Isak but let him continue. “Or Even, just letting you know that we can’t have sex for three months until I’m sure I didn’t get some sexually transmitted disease from the back of some alley. Or I’m sorry Even because I know you would’ve told me straight away but I got scared and freaked so I’m telling you now because you’ll never forgive me if you don’t know.” Isak stopped pacing and stared at their wall of photographs. Isak was grumpy in some of them and Even asleep but they were happy together. “Or maybe because I’m not good enough for him anymore.”

“Okay stop.” Eskild had heard enough, he’d let Isak rant but he wouldn’t let him scare himself any longer. He joined Isak at the wall of photographs. “You are always good enough for him. Always.” Isak let Eskild stroke his hair. “Do I think you should tell Even? Yes. Do I think he’ll be a little hurt you didn’t tell him straight away? Yes. But do I think Even will understand why you didn’t and want to know how he can be good enough for _you_ right now? Yes. Because my baby Isak, _you_ are the one right now who needs his support.” Isak didn’t say anything. “You deserve his support.” 

“They kept pulling my hair and twisted their fingers into it.” Eskild stilled his hands in Isak’s hair. “Will you cut it for me?” 

“Of course.”

“Now.” Isak took a large pair of scissors from Even’s stationary drawer in the desk. He passed them to Eskild and led them both to the kitchen, where it would be easier to sweep up the fallen hair. “Jonas knows.” Eskild was hoping that Isak was thinking through his advice earlier and it seemed like he was. 

“It’s good to have a support system. How short?” Eskild took out his comb and tried to tug the knots from Isak’s hair as gently as he could. 

“Short.” Isak twisted his hands in his lap. He wanted to tell Even, he really did. Jonas knew, and now Eskild knew and they didn’t seem to act too differently around him. Eskild began snipping away at Isak’s hair. He’d never seen Isak with very short hair but always thought he would look tough. Eskild understood that Isak wanted to look tough right now. “Can you help me think what to say to him.” There was a beat. “Please.” 

“I can be with you if you want.” Eskild responded. 

“I think I should tell him alone. But you could maybe check in on Jonas when we talk. I don’t know if he is okay with it all.” 

“That’s a good idea. I’ll do that. Tonight?” Eskild swept the hair from Isak’s shoulders and titled his head so he could cut near Isak’s left ear. His hair was looking good so far, he thought Isak would like it.  
“Tonight.” Isak answered after a while. As much as he felt sick at the thought of telling Even, he knew he would only make himself sicker if he tried to keep the truth from Even much longer. It wasn’t like Isak had to do anything once he told Even, and Even didn’t have to change anything or go murder someone for Isak, he just needed to know so that he could stop being nervous around Even and be nervous around everybody else instead. 

“Okay so let’s just keep it really simple. What are you going to say? Even, I need to talk to you about something that I wanted to tell you but was very difficult for me to process.” Isak cringed. 

“It sounds so clinical.” Eskild agreed. He stopped cutting to think. “Okay your go. What do you actually want to say to him.” Isak thought for a very long time, long enough that Eskild had cut the majority of his hair off. 

“I tried to keep something secret from you but I don’t want to anymore.”

“That’s good.” Eskild brushed Isak’s shoulders again and the last of the hair fell to the floor. “He’s going to understand Isak. He will.” Isak ran a hand through his hair. He liked the texture of the buzzed spikes. It wasn’t too short, still a couple of centimetres but short enough that people couldn’t grab onto it for now. He felt much lighter for it being cut off. 

“Will he like the hair?” Isak ventured. Eskild walked around to look at Isak fully. 

“You look tough.” Eskild winked. “He’ll love it.” And he pulled Isak into another hug.


	22. Sob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtwagewar
> 
> warning: this chapter gets intense!

Isak was reading a magazine Eskild had bought over whilst Eskild put a lasagne in the oven. He had been excited to cook for the boys and worked his guru magic with their very limited food cupboard. Even was bringing home more food after Mind Your Head and Isak was growing more and more restless since he didn’t know exactly when Even would be home. He found his leg twitching and Eskild threatening to remove the clock on the wall if he didn’t stop thinking about Even coming home. Jonas was still camped out in his bedroom, working on an essay but had promised that he would join for dinner. 

Isak was about to work himself up again when he heard a key turn in the door and Even bash his shopping bags against the doorframe. He was pretty laden down because he had taken a lot of painting equipment with him to the session. He had a smudge of grey paint on his cheek and a dash of blue smeared over his eyelid. Eskild went to grab some of the bags from Even to put them away, pushing Isak back into his seat as he stood up to try to help. 

Even turned to Isak with a soppy grin on his face. He lifted his hand and ran it over the top of Isak’s head who looked embarrassed. “Is it okay?” Isak felt self-conscious. 

“Looks amazing. I thought Eskild had bought someone back to the flat at first.” Eskild threw a screwed up plastic bag at Even huffing. “So handsome my Isakkkk.” Even placed lots of kisses to the top of his head until Isak pushed him away. He really did like the hair and had covered his shock at the initial change well. A threatening glare from Eskild had been strong motivation not to ask questions. 

Even could see that Isak was nervous. Probably the most nervous he’d been the last two days. He was disappointed, he’d hope that Eskild would be able to talk to him but it didn’t look like his plan had been successful. Isak stuttered. “How did-d the session go?” Isak tried to focus on Even in front of him and not what he was going to say to Even as soon as his heart started beating properly again. 

“So good! Everyone really got stuck in.” Even smiled widely, he was proud of how well he had run the session and a lot of his friends had come up to him afterwards and told him how much they had enjoyed it. His painting that afternoon hadn’t been as bright as usual though, he hadn’t been able to get Isak out of the periphery of his mind. He had wanted to text to check up on him but he trusted Eskild, and he trusted Isak to a point too. He just didn’t trust Isak with his own wellbeing at times. He was always the last to see the point of exhaustion. 

Isak found his smile returned genuinely. He was happy for Even and pleased that he hadn’t ruined this opportunity for him. Isak turned to Eskild with wild eyes and felt his heart sink as Eskild prompted him. 

“Dinner’s going to be around forty minutes. I’ve heard Jonas has been unable to get a date for a while.” Even laughed and Isak smirked. “And I met this girl last week who I think will be just perfect for him, I think I will go catch up with him.” Eskild looked at Isak and flicked his eyes over to Even a couple of times. Isak took an unsteady breath. Eskild waited until Isak looked a little more confident until he grabbed the new packet of custard creams and headed for Jonas’s room. 

“I might wash up the paint brushes and stuff now.” Even dug in his bag for them. 

“Actually, is it okay if we talk?” Isak asked in the smallest voice and Even looked up immediately. 

“Of course.” Even could feel the change in atmosphere in the room, whatever was coming was significant. “Do you want to go to our room?” 

“I don’t want to associate our room with this.” Isak was rational and Even was a little taken aback at his justification. Even sat opposite Isak at the kitchen table. Even rested his hands in front of him so that Isak could take them if he wanted. He didn’t but pressed his fingernails into his thighs to distract him from the nausea building again. He’d have to find a better way to distract himself, if he didn’t want to be coated in little red marks. Even was beginning to worry, seeing how visibly difficult it was for Isak to sit at the kitchen table with him. He looked ready to run at any second. 

“Isak what-“ Even started. 

“I kept something secret from you and I don’t want to anymore!” Isak rushed out in one breath finally remembering what he told Eskild he would say. He couldn’t quite catch his breath and found he was going a little lightheaded. Even was staring at him with anxious eyes. 

“I trust you Isak.” There was no judgement yet. Isak bit his lip and continued. 

“The night I was attacked.” Isak paused, gauged Even’s mood. “I wasn’t just attacked.” Even nodded, he was following. “They knew I was gay.” Even went to interrupt but Isak continued. “Please don’t interrupt or I’m not sure I’ll get this all out.”

He took a shaky sip of water and told Even the truth about what had happened. 

“Jonas and I went to buy weed. It was fine. I got distracted and lost Jonas. This guy at the bar kept going on about my hair.” Even knew there had been more to the haircut. “He gave me a drink he’d got for a friend who just had to leave. He knew I was gay. Or thought I was. Or didn’t care. Jonas got the weed but I think the drink was spiked because I couldn’t do what I wanted to anymore. He said I looked sick so he took me outside to get some air. I was cold and shivering and I couldn’t remember why I was in a club in the first place. He shoved me down an alley.” Even started crying and Isak roughly wiped away his tears. Even was an emotional person, as was Isak, and it hurt Isak not only to think about that night but to know that he was hurting Even by doing so. But Even had to know and Isak needed him to. “He was violent and I fell and there was this umbrella that he found and hit me with and I could barely walk and he tried to r-rape me but I was so scared I told him anything else. I begged him not to. I didn’t want to Even. So he let me get on my knees for him instead, and I gave him a blowjob and it was the worst moment of my entire life and I didn’t know how to tell you.” 

Isak started sobbing then, and Even got out of his seat and kneeled next to Isak. He pulled him Isak on top of him and Isak clung to the back of his shirt. In that moment Isak didn’t think about if Even loved him, or found him unclean anymore, he thought about the boy literally holding him together as the universe tore around him. Because nothing could be the same anymore, and whilst right now that was not okay, one day it would be.


	23. Adrenaline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Even held Isak as he cried, and grieved for the first time the careless innocence that had been taken from him. Even wiped snot from both their noses and let Isak cling to him. If he had the choice he would never let Isak go, despite the ache building from resting his knees on the tiled kitchen floor. Isak had cried so hard that the pain felt was no longer just of betrayal and anger, but of agitated ribs and a deep headache that would take days to pass properly. 

Eskild and Jonas had both heard the keening sound Isak had made at Even’s first touch, and had ventured into the kitchen knowing that all four of them now knew Isak’s secret. Eskild first turned the oven off then rubbed Isak’s back. He flinched, not having noticed that Jonas and Eskild had joined them. Jonas was particularly worried that Isak would be sick again if he worked himself up so much but this was the first time that Isak had let himself truly react to the attack and Jonas knew it wasn’t healthy for Isak to keep it bottled up. 

Eventually, Isak moved his hands from Even’s back to clutch at his ribs. He was half bent over and in a lot of pain from the shuddering breaths the crying had forced from him. Jonas went to get his painkillers and placed them down in front of him to take when he was ready. Even let his hands rest on Isak’s thighs, not ready to let go just yet. There was no denying that Even was hurt that Isak hadn’t initially trusted him with this but Even knew that tonight was not the time to bring those feelings to the surface. When things had calmed down a little, he’d talk to Isak again about the photograph he’d seen, and Isak not telling him, but for tonight he’d do anything to give Isak a little bit of lightness back in his life. 

Eskild dished up the lasagne whilst Isak swallowed down the pills. Even was murmuring into his ear but neither Jonas nor Eskild could hear what he was saying. If they ate as a group, they’d have to eat in the lounge where there was more room so Jonas went in to set up a mindless comedy show and move the coffee table closer to the sofa. He was so relieved that Even knew the truth but knew that Isak still had such a long road ahead. He’d go back to class tomorrow and Jonas thought that it’d bring a whole new set of challenges but with the people around him who needed and loved him, he’d be okay. 

Isak was shaking from the rush of adrenaline that telling Even had given him so his movements were jerky. On more than one occasion he nearly stabbed himself in the cheek with the fork but it didn’t anger him. Even watched closely, he was probably hovering but Isak hadn’t said anything since he’d told him what happened and he was worried that he was about to crash from exhaustion and potentially shock. Soon enough, Even pulled Isak’s plate away as it nearly slid to the floor. Even continued to give him small mouthfuls of lasagne until his eyelids dropped and he kept blinking himself awake. Isak had eaten a good amount 

“I’m taking you to bed.” Even excused Isak from the room as Eskild and Jonas fought over the presentation of the only female scientist in the TV show. The room had not had an untroubled atmosphere but the boys had been doing their best to keep discussions lighter since Isak’s admission so that he didn’t get stuck reliving the same night over and over. 

Isak didn’t stop Even taking him to bed. He was barely able to string more than a couple of thoughts together and it felt like his body was shutting down on him. Even helped change him as he sat on the end of their bed. “Arms baby boy please.” Isak lifted his arms and Even swapped over his t-shirt. “Boxers or joggers?” Even asked, not sure if Isak would answer. He didn’t and instead just shrugged off the joggers to reveal light bruising on his thighs which he ignored. He climbed under the covers and pulled them high up to his chin. Sleep took him quickly and away from the threatening thoughts that loitered in the periphery of reality. Even waited until Isak was snoring before returning to Jonas and Eskild in the lounge. They had a lot to discuss.


	24. Mint Hot Chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Isak woke the next morning oblivious to the late night planning of Even, Jonas and Eskild. He’d slept all through the night and was feeling somewhat rested. He rolled over to see Even sleeping peacefully next to him, his mouth open and chest rising and falling steadily. Isak wasn’t sure how early it was but his class wasn’t until ten-thirty so he was sure he’d have time to get ready. Isak wrapped an arm around Even and pulled the duvet that was halfway down his chest upwards. They both liked to be cocooned, even on the hottest days of the year. 

Even stirred not long after Isak started watching him sleep. Isak never usually watched Even as he slept, he was too fidgety when he woke and it was rare for him to wake up before Even anyhow. He quite liked it. Even always blushed and made Isak stop looking if he tried to stare at him for any prolonged period of time. But Isak liked to see the way his eyelashes curled onto his cheeks and how his eyebrows sometimes brushed the wrong way. 

Isak could see that Even was awake, and now returning his stare, but felt no compulsion to speak. He licked his lips and traced little patterns into Even’s back as he waited for him to wake up properly. “Morning” Even groaned. He reached over for his phone and saw that his alarm hadn’t gone off but it wasn’t too far off. Isak didn’t reply and Even looked him over thoughtfully. “How do you feel about class today? Just Marine Biology this morning right?” Isak nodded to both questions but didn’t have the energy to answer. He didn’t want to be rude, or weird, but it honestly felt like a lot to have to string words together when he was already focusing on so many other things. His voice would come back, probably when he was least expecting it. “Great!” Even was too enthusiastic and they both felt it. He scooted forward so that him and Isak were pressed up against each other. He slowly kissed Isak on the lips. A closed kiss, nothing too racy but one that was meant to show compassion and patience. Isak shuffled down so that he was the little spoon and Even held him until it really was time for them to get ready for class.   
Isak was grateful that it was only a lecture today and not the examined practical that they would have later in the week. Jonas had walked with him to campus, as he’d wanted to attend a free debate that morning before his afternoon class. Isak hadn’t given it a second thought until Jonas promised to meet him after class too. Isak was so grateful for Jonas too. The lecture went quickly and Isak was happy to see the lecturer had mostly referred to a PowerPoint that had been uploaded to their online noticeboard. He would have more than enough time to revise the method before the practical, he’d get Even to read it to him later when he was in a more receptive mood. 

Despite being sat down for an hour, Isak was slightly breathless when Jonas met him with a mint hot chocolate at the end of the corridor. In the rush to get in and out of the same door people had jostled Isak and he’d done well not to shout at them. He found himself getting angry at the tiniest things. His pencil led had snapped when someone walked in late and a door slammed. His back ached as he pulled out his notebook from his bag. He tried to shake it off but he could feel the spikes rising again. Sugar would help soften them. “Drink.” Jonas instructed. 

Jonas could read the tension on Isak’s face and was glad to steer them to an unused bench outside the Living Systems building where Isak could just chill for a bit. “So, I thought it would be a good idea for us to go to the Welfare team now.” Isak took a long sip of his hot chocolate. It was still too hot and scalded his throat but he didn’t mind. The Welfare team provided counselling services and implemented individual learning plans for students with mental health complications, either in times of crisis or long term diagnosis. Isak had of course heard of them because Even was registered with them but Isak did not know a great deal about what they did. He knew Even would contact them so allowances could be made if he was experiencing an episode but didn’t know that they worked behind the scenes too to make it so that people could Even could even have a chance at completing a degree and not worry if they’d have the support to make it through. 

The boys had spoken at length, after Isak had gone to bed, about who would broach the topic with him. They had all volunteered but after much discussion decided Jonas would be the best bet. They weren’t sure that Isak was ready but Jonas didn’t give a shit about tiptoeing round him now that Even knew. He’d ask and keep asking until Isak gave him a yes or a well justified no. Jonas was just about uncomfortable with Isak’s silence when he gave an answer. 

“Okay.” Neither boy was ready to leave the bench until their hot chocolates were finished and only the bitter grains remained. 

If Isak was honest, and completely left alone he wouldn’t bother with the Welfare team. He wasn’t sure that it was necessary and couldn’t see what difference it would make but on the other hand, he had an assessed practical in a couple of days and could barely think straight. Or walk straight. He would go, see what they say and take it from there. One day was too much right now, so one hour at a time it would be.


	25. Pastel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

The Welfare team were based in a small outbuilding near the botanic garden. It looked a little like a greenhouse but had opaque walls so that there was a sense of privacy for the students who dropped by. Jonas opened the door and Isak stepped inside. Neither of the boys had been inside before, to Isak’s knowledge, and he was taken aback by the yellow walls. Jonas scrunched up his nose and Isak tried to blink as his eyes adjusted to the too bright walls. 

A young woman was typing away at her computer but had looked up when they entered. She carried on typing as they approached her desk but stopped by the time they were ready to greet her. She had a warm feeling about her and Isak felt himself relax. 

“Hello.” She didn’t recognise the boys and neither seemed sure of what they were meant to say as they greeted her in return. “How can I help you, do you need to speak to an advisor today?” Isak frowned as he didn’t actually know what he needed, or why he was there. He began to back away from the desk subconsciously and bumped in Jonas behind him. This in turn made him jump forward and almost crash into the woman’s desk. Jonas reached out a hand to Isak’s shoulder, grounding him from Isak’s point of view and preventing Isak from running from his own.

“Chill.” Jonas half-whispered into Isak’s ear and Isak rolled his eyes in response. He coughed to clear his throat. 

“I don’t know.” Isak answered and the woman smiled calmingly. 

“That’s okay. There are lots of different services that we run and we first need to find the right one for you. Is this the first time that you’ve visited us?” Isak rested against her desk, Jonas not interfering but staying close because Isak hadn’t told him to go. 

“Yeah.” 

“And do you currently have a mental health diagnosis?”

“Erm no.” Isak was expecting to be turned away then, and felt himself deflate a little. 

“That’s fine. But there is something that is happening in your life that you need support with?”

“Yeah.” Isak nodded. He’d worn a snapback to try to hide the bruising from nosy people but it also worked well to stop the woman reading his face. She turned to Jonas. “And you are here for him, or do you require support too?” 

Jonas flustered a little at suddenly being address. “I’m good. I’m with Isak.” 

“Okay, Isak.” The woman tested his name and continued to address him. “So, I think it’d be a good idea for you to have a chat with one of our advisors now. They are trained in multiple fields and are great for first meetings like these so we can figure out where to go from here. I have both male and female options open to you in the next half hour?” 

“Female.” He replied quickly. “But I’m gay so I don’t want anyone who doesn’t support that.” The woman looked a little shocked but maintained her professionalism. 

“Nobody in this building, or in this University should have a problem with that, and if they do please raise this with your advisor. Her name is Lana.” Jonas could see Isak’s red cheeks under his hat but he was proud of Isak for speaking up. He wanted Isak to fight for himself. Isak and Jonas made their way to the waiting room where Lana would collect Isak. 

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Jonas asked as he pulled out his phone and began replying to an email about the debate that morning. He’d done pretty well and was going to be representing the University next week at a competition debate. 

“It’s okay.” Isak looked around the waiting room. No one else was there but he’d seen a couple of people leave the offices down the corridor. The walls in the waiting room were a pastel orange which he quite liked. Not quite as abrasive as the yellow. Isak didn’t need Jonas to hold his hand every step of the way. Jonas had got him into the building and minutes away from talking to some advisor who could apparently give him life advice but Isak would do the rest. He wanted to pop a couple more of the painkillers before this meeting but he knew how sleepy they made him. He’d wait. 

“Bro have you texted Even yet? He’d texted me a hundred times checking that you made it through the lecture.” Jonas, Eskild and Even had actually made a group chat #ProtectIsakAtAllCosts but Jonas didn’t want to tell Isak that in case he made them delete it. 

“I think I forgot my phone.” Isak had forgotten his phone, ever since he’d deleted the photo he hadn’t wanted to touch the phone. Jonas huffed and looked at him incredulously. 

“Smart Isak. I’ll text him back. Bring it tomorrow, you might need one of us.” Isak didn’t even have it in him to fight Jonas. He knew he had been relying on his friends to get him through the past few days and although it seemed a little easier, he wasn’t sure he was there yet. 

A young woman dressed in a tweed blazer entered the waiting room. “Isak?” She wasn’t sure which of the two to address so Isak stood up. “I’m Lana.” 

“Hi.” Isak forced out, to be polite. 

“Do you want to come and have a chat?” She smiled kindly and Isak waved to Jonas as they left the waiting room. Jonas pulled a textbook from his bag and began making little notes in the margin. Isak stopped outside and stared at the door to Lana’s office. It was wooden, painted in a blue pastel that reminded Isak of Even’s eyes in a depression. He scratched the back of his neck, flipped his snapback off his head and stepped into the room where tissues, water and a comfy armchair were waiting for him.


	26. Big Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Lana took a seat opposite Isak and took out a couple of forms from her desk. “So, Isak, first I will introduce myself and tell you a little about what we are going to do today. Then we’ll have a bit of a chat about why you are here.” Isak sat in the armchair with his arms crossed across his body. Lana picked up on his defensiveness straight away but this wasn’t something that worried her. “You can leave at any time but you should feel pretty brave for walking in here and saying that you need help, because a lot of people don’t and it is much easier to suffer in silence, than to reach out to others.” 

Lana paused, to give Isak the opportunity to say something. He didn’t but took a small sip from the water glass. Lana smiled then continued. “My name is Lana and I am one of the advisors here at the Welfare Team. I meet people when they first come to speak to us to help them figure out which of our services is best going to work for them. I’m also a specialist advisor in sexual violations so I hold counselling sessions with some of the students. We have other advisors who specialize in eating disorders, domestic abuse, mental health diagnosis etc.” Isak could feel his breathing stutter. Had the receptionist known why he was here, could everyone around him suddenly tell what had happened to him? He let the paranoia build and felt a little more guarded towards Lana. “Do you have any questions about me?” 

Isak did have a question which he was pretty sure Lana had answered but he hadn’t thought of it when him and Jonas first arrived. “My boyfriend is bipolar and he is registered here. You wouldn’t be his advisor right?” Isak didn’t want her to hear things about Isak and accidentally mention them, or get confused with what Even knew or had talked about himself. 

“Isak due to data protection laws I can’t confirm anything about another student without their consent to release that info to you, but I will reiterate that we have other advisors better trained in bipolar support and that all of my students have experienced some sort of sexual assault. Is that enough to answer your question?” Isak nodded, he believed Lana and was glad that they took privacy seriously. 

Lana smiled, then handed Isak one of the forms on her desk. “So there are a couple of ways we can do this next part.” She gestured to the form. “You can read through this and tick and cross the statements. Or if you’d prefer we can talk.” Isak scanned the list, they were pretty standard: I am concerned about my drug/alcohol intake…I struggle to eat in front of other people … I have thoughts about hurting myself. Isak really didn’t want to talk these all through, it was tiring enough just reading the list. 

“I’ll write on the sheet, thanks.” Isak took a pen from his bag.

“Sure. Try to be as honest as you can, but you don’t have to answer every option. I’m going to start building your file here, can you give me your student number?” Isak pulled out his student card to give to Lana along with a pen so he could complete the form. It was a lot harder to complete than he thought. He skipped out on the question I have been sexually assaulted or raped. Then went back to it because that was the reason he was here. He’d have to answer it. Isak hesitated over the I have thoughts about hurting myself question, he didn’t self-harm or have a history of self-harm but Eskild had told him time and time again that he had some destructive behaviors that only harmed himself He gave it a small tick in the end. Isak stared at the form long after he was finished, he only sat back when his ribs started whining in protest. 

“Done?” Lana asked and Isak passed the form back to her. “That’s great. Good job!” Isak shoved his pen back into his bag and Lana went through his list. She pressed corresponding numbers into her keyboard, Isak guessed she was adding this to his file but wasn’t sure. There were a couple of things that had stuck out to Lana but none more than the I have been sexually assaulted or raped answer, firstly because that was her specialism and secondly because he boy in front of her was hurt which suggested this might be a very recent thing. “Is there any one of the things on this list that prompted you to visit the Welfare team? She probed. Isak picked at the velcro on his wrist brace. 

“Yeah. Um. I was attacked a couple of nights ago.” Isak knew she was going to make him say it so he got it over with. “I don’t know like technically if counts as sexual assault or rape.” He gave the velcro a particularly hard rip and the wrist brace fell to the floor. Lana was quick enough to spot the fingerprint bruising there. 

“Thank you for telling me that Isak. I know how difficult it can be to say those words. Let’s not worry about technicalities for now.” Isak re-strapped the brace. “Firstly have you been checked by a medical professional?”

“Everyone keeps asking me that.” Isak had an exasperated tone, he was feeling tense now. 

“It’s important that you are safe and that you might have injuries you don’t know about, or remember.”

“I was at the hospital.”

“Okay.” Lana clicked away on her screen. “So in terms of support, I’d like to see you back here tomorrow so that we can sort out an individual learning plan for you. I don’t want to see you missing assessments and lectures because it feels like too much for you right now.” Isak nodded. It did feel like too much. “You’ll probably find that your body has gone into survival mode, and lectures don’t rank highly on that list but it is important that we find you the right options to help you through the rest of this term. Okay?” 

“Yeah” Isak had no clue what those options were but he could try. 

“I have space in my student list for you if you’d like me to be your advisor. Alternatively, I can schedule you in with William or Betty tomorrow.” Isak didn’t want anybody else so Lana pulled up his timetable and they found time after his morning lecture tomorrow. Isak was putting his bag on his back, ready to run out of there when Lana handed him another leaflet. He had quite the collection now. “I know I’ll see you tomorrow, but if you find yourself in crisis tonight, give the phone line a ring. You’ve taken a big step coming here today and it’s normal to freak out a little afterwards so take advantage of that friend you have outside waiting for you.”   
“Thank you.” Isak left the office, that he’d spend much more time in over the next few months and waited for Jonas to notice his arrival. When he did, Jonas quickly ran his eyes over Isak looking for any signs of trauma. Instead he was smiling shyly. Jonas packed his textbook away then gave Isak a short hug. 

“Proud of you man.” Jonas beamed and Isak’s smile grew.


	27. Cookie Dough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> 20,000 words and 15,000 hits thank you so much! I love reading all your comments and my heart skips when I get a kudos email! 
> 
> hopefully this chapter shows Isak and Even getting back in sync, we haven't seen a lot of them just being them <3

Isak was exhausted by the time he arrived home. He put his bag down by the door then collapsed onto the sofa, his bed seemed so attractive but it was still quite early and he wanted to try and revise the Marine Biology lecture that he’d struggled through that morning. “Eveeennn” Isak called. Even had been listening out for the door eagerly but had just stuck his head in the oven to take out some cookies when Isak arrived back. He quickly transferred a couple of still warm gooey ones to a bowl and switched off the oven. 

Isak reached out with grabby hands when Even entered the room. He wanted Even to hold him and was feeling quite clingy. Even had expected this, hence the afternoon baking of cookies. Even leaned down to Isak on the sofa, placed the bowl of cookie dough on his lap then kissed him. “I missed you today.” Even didn’t have class on Mondays but usually worked in the coffee shop around the corner in the morning. Sometimes he’d head onto campus afterwards to study with Isak but Isak had thought that he would be too tired and it was probably better to make it back home. 

“I missed you too.” Isak pulled Even down onto the sofa. He tucked his legs up and curled into Even who seemed to be radiating heat. He was warm and cozy and Isak melted into his touch. Even took a giant spoon of cookie dough and bought it up to Isak’s lips. “Eat, whilst it is still warm.” Isak hummed in appreciation then licked the spoon clean. Even’s heart raced a little as he fed Isak the cookie dough, occasionally taking a bite for himself. Isak couldn’t help but look sexy licking melted chocolate chips from a spoon. Even wanted to tease him about it but there was still so much they had to talk about, he thought it best to wait. 

“Class was hard today.” Isak volunteered. It was a quiet conversation but not subdued. Isak was being honest with Even, which wasn’t anything new but they were both still feeling slightly out of sync with each other and Isak wanted to reset so that they were back to normal. 

“I get that.” Even took the empty bowl from Isak. He patted his lap and Isak rested his head there facing up towards Even’s face. Even started massaging his temples, it made Isak shiver and relax at the same time. “Did you go to the Welfare team today?” 

“Yeah, I have to go back tomorrow.” Isak didn’t sound sad about that. “And we don’t have the same advisor like we said.” Even was quite sure that they wouldn’t have but Isak had been quite worried about it. He thought it was important that they each worked on themselves in their appointed time and could discuss things together when they chose too. 

“That’s good. They’ll be able to help. You know they’ve been great with me so far.” 

“Yeah” A comfortable silence took over the boys and Isak began to feel himself drift off. “Nope, I’m not sleeping.” Even laughed. “Will you read my lecture to me?” Isak loved to hear Even read things, he always did fun voices and made even the most boring subjects seem interesting, not that Isak found Marine Biology boring, he enjoyed it very much. 

“Can we go to the park and read it there?” Even looked down at Isak who could now see Even’s double chins. Isak frowned. 

“I’m not scared to go, I’m just really really tired.” Isak knew that Even was testing his boundaries, seeing what he was still comfortable with and what would take a little extra effort. 

“Thank you for being so honest with me.” He pressed a kiss to Isak’s nose. Isak blew him another kiss when he sat back up. “In that case, let’s get you sorted. Water. Painkillers. Re-bandage your cheek. Then I’ll read your lecture.” 

“Love you.” Isak climbed off the sofa to grab the aforementioned items. He took the bandages and little butterfly strips to Even who was washing his hands. Isak closed his eyes whilst Even swapped out the bandage. Even held his cheek tenderly and Isak could see their whole lives ahead in his eyes. “My lecture, then you’ll read me your essay?” Isak asked. Their whole lives but first, aquatic herbicides and French feminist film. A night that would require much more cookie dough.


	28. Dandelion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

On Tuesdays, both Isak and Even had classes but Jonas left early to join his study group in the library. Isak was feeling more like himself than he had in any of the previous days. He’d picked up his phone again and been replying to Eskild more regularly than before, which Eskild appreciated. Isak hadn’t been sent any other messages or photos so he pushed it to the back of his mind. Even, however, kept it very much at the forefront. He was quite aware that Isak wouldn’t have realised it was on his laptop, as Even had had the laptop when it synced the photos but didn’t know if Isak still had the photo on his phone either. He would talk to Isak about it tonight. 

“Can I paint you tonight?” Even asked as he put some bread into the toaster and Isak stirred some scrambled eggs in a saucepan. Even didn’t have anything with Isak’s new haircut and it really did make him seem a lot edgier. Plus, Even couldn’t deny that he had a different look in his eyes now, not that he would tell Isak that, yet. 

“I have a lot of work to catch up on.” Isak groaned. He’d hardly been in the frame of mind to study and he was beginning to stress about his assessed practical tomorrow. 

“Pleaseee” Even whined, hugging him from behind so that they were both stirring the pot. Isak shifting slightly as Even put a little too much weight onto him. 

“Maybe if I can study whilst you paint.” Isak didn’t usually pose for Even, he caught him offguard or in the middle of some weird activity depending on the project. Isak liked looking at the painting afterwards even if he couldn’t always see what Even saw in him that made him so worthy of immortal acrylic. 

“You are the best. Love you so much babe.” Even then backtracked a little. “We’ll see how you feel. No pressure.” Isak stuck his tongue out at Even and nodded mockingly. He knew Even was still tiptoeing round him, and he wasn’t sure that he needed it anymore. Isak was fine. And fine wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

Even and Isak walked to campus hand in hand. They were walking a little slower than normal but Isak was much more attentive to his surroundings. He noticed a small edge of grass covered in bright yellow dandelions. They reminded him of the Welfare building that he was heading to after class. He let out a little giggle and Even looked at him incredulously. “Are the flowers particularly funny today?” 

“Yeah actually.” Isak stopped and picked a dandelion. He was going to start walking again when Even took it from him and tucked it behind his ear. “Evennn, nooo” Isak protested. 

“You look so cute. I love it.” He took Isak’s hand again and they walked the rest of the way to campus. 

“I love you.” Even preened under Isak’s attention. If Magnus saw him with a flower tucked behind his ear he’d lose it, convince himself it was a new trend that he must follow whilst Madhi would protest at the degradation to the environment. Isak didn’t care, Even liked it. Maybe this way, people would stare at the flower and not the yellowing bruises that Isak was sure would have disappeared by now. 

Isak dropped Even off at his building. “Meet you after Welfare or at home?” Even asked. Even wasn’t really one to hang around campus, he would sit outside in the garden but really only turned up for lectures, seminars and group meetings. Sometimes he’d walk to and from campus several times. 

“I’ll text you,” Isak responded. He wasn’t sure how the meeting would go but he wasn’t too worried about it. 

“Sure thing. My phone won’t be on silent so for anything, you can text or call me.” Even double checked that his phone was indeed not on silent then spotting a friend from his course, Elise, he waved Isak off. 

Isak found himself still distracted in his lecture. He was so focused on the Marine Biology practical that he’d let himself get a little behind in the Marine Law module he’d supposedly picked up for fun. God knows why. Law was meticulous and there was a clear right and wrong, so Isak should love it but he found it a challenge to remember all the case barristers and the precedents. He wasn’t sure it’d be his best class but it was certainly an experience to give it a go. They were given their group projects today and a large packet of assessment criteria were passed around to each student. Isak heard it thud and it landed on his desk. 

‘I’m so screwed.” He muttered to himself. He flicked through and didn’t spot any easy options that would give him a bit of confidence, the research questions were wordy and each had an individual component to stop people flaking out on the group projects. As the lecturer went through his expectations for the projects and read out the groups, Isak found his head begin to pound and he reached for the nearly empty bottle of painkillers Even had stashed in his bag earlier. He’d never been one to just pop pills and it worried him how quickly he’d got through the bottle but he wasn’t meant to be in pain, he reminded himself. 

By the time Isak arrived for his second meeting with Lana, at the Welfare team, there was a definite sheen of sweat on his forehead and he felt his whole body tremble. He wasn’t sure if it was stress or anxiety but Isak didn’t feel good. He checked in with the same receptionist from the day before and Lana collected him promptly from the waiting room. Isak didn’t really greet her but started talking straight away. 

“I’m actually not feeling very well. I might just head home. I thought I could do this but I don’t think I can.” Isak flicked his eyes over the closed office door repeatedly. He hadn’t even taken off his backpack, just sat on the edge of the armchair. 

“I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling great Isak. Before I let you go, do you mind telling me how you are feeling?” Lana was looking very calm, if a little concerned about Isak’s rush to leave. Isak bit his lip hard enough to bleed. He needed to calm down before he worked himself up and made a scene in Lana’s office. “Have some water first.” Lana passed him the water jug. Isak took it and gulped down some water. 

“I’m tired. I feel myself getting angry over the smallest things. I’m stressed about assessments and I just hurt everywhere. I’m taking the painkillers but I’m about to run out, I don’t want to get more but I’m scared of hurting and reliving what happened every minute.” Isak blurted out. 

“That’s a lot to feel all in one moment Isak, no wonder you want to go home.” Lana pointed out. “Take off your backpack and we’ll figure out what we can do so that you feel a little better by the time you leave.” Isak hesitated but ultimately took off his bag and settled back into the seat. He held his t-shirt in a fisted hand and took another long glass of water. He felt his body stop trembling and his heart rate slow a little but he was still on edge. On the edge of what he wasn’t sure. Lana pulled a small yellow foam ball from her desk and threw it gently at him. He caught it in his left hand. “Other hand, looking at that wrist brace.” He passed it between his hands, gave it a tight squeeze then threw it to himself several times over, feeling the tension leaving his body minute by minute.


	29. Foundation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> I love to chat to people! say hi!

“Okay, so I think it’d be really good if we could build a foundation for an individual learning plan for you.” Lana had distracted Isak enough to keep him in her office and in his chair. “You mentioned that you are feeling under pressure from your assessments so let’s try to relieve that shall we?” 

“I don’t kno- Can you explain what an individual learning plan is, I don’t know if I need all that?” Isak asked. Even had one but he didn’t know the details. 

“That’s a good place to start.” Lana smiled at him. If Isak was asking questions, then he was interested and being interested was a good starting point to getting him into therapy. Isak continued to throw the ball. “Some students can attend University without any worries, they can go to and participate in class easily, and complete work and assignments. This isn’t about getting the best grades. This is physically or mentally being able to complete the tasks without something stopping them. Usually, but not always, when a student registers with the Welfare team, there is something maybe physical, maybe mental that is making those tasks much harder. It is our job to help equal the playing field if you will. Give you, and your lecturers strategies so that we can help you towards your degree.” 

Isak misjudged the catch and the ball rolled towards Lana on the floor. “Are you going to tell my lecturers what happened to me?” Isak did not want that to happen. Lana picked up the ball and passed it back to Isak. 

“What you tell me in these sessions remain confidential unless I believe you are going to cause harm to yourself or others. So, no. We don’t tell your lecturer what you’ve been through. But we will send them a copy of the allowances of your learning plan and there are generic phrases that we’ll include on it.” 

Isak nodded and Lana paused, making sure he understood. “These generic phrases,” Isak questioned seriously, “like generic as in attacked or generic as in rape victim?” 

“Generic as in traumatic event.” Isak felt himself redden. Of course they wouldn’t be that specific, he berated himself. “We want to give you as much choice about who know what about you.” 

“Okay. Yeah it might be a good idea.” 

“I think so too. How are you finding attending lectures at the moment?” Lana pulled out Isak’s file and took a form out to begin writing. 

“Actually unproductive. I’m finding it hard to concentrate and I keep getting headaches which I think might be from the medication or stress, I don’t know.” Isak was dreading his next class. He didn’t like to be surrounded by all those people and would sit at the edge of the room. 

“How long are you on these painkillers for?” Lana asked. 

“Until I run out in a couple of days. Then I’ll just take over the counter stuff until I don’t hurt anymore.” Lana made a couple of notes, she had picked up on Isak’s concerns with the drugs earlier so would like to revisit this later. 

“Okay, and you’ve mentioned assessments. How soon and what are they?”

“Assessed Marine Biology practical tomorrow and they gave out Marine Law group project today.”

“Quite soon then.” Lana looked at the clock. They still had time. No need to panic. 

“Yeah. Bad timing.” 

“There is never a good time for this to happen. But you did make a good choice coming to see us so soon. It means we can help straight away.” Isak was starting to fidget in his chair at the thought of the work again. “So, tomorrow. Explain a little about what you have to do?”

“Erm so we are assessing the levels of pollutants in varies marine samples. We go in, carry out the experiment. They mark us on technique. We leave. We write up a report. They mark us on analysis.” Isak paused. “I don’t know how I feel about having them stare at me for so long.”

Lana looked up from the paperwork to catch Isak’s gaze. “I just, I feel like everyone is looking at me. But they aren’t even looking at me, they are looking at the cuts or the bruises and I feel like they know.” 

“And if they were marking your experiment technique, would they need to watch your face where the most visible bruising is?”

“No but.” Isak stopped mid-sentence. “I can’t carry out the experiment with a wrist brace because it would affect the sanitization of the work space.” Isak’s voice was quieter and quieter. He felt ashamed at admitting how scared he was of removing the brace. 

“Is there obvious bruising under the brace?” Lana tilted her head and Isak nodded. “Did the doctor give you a timeframe of how long you should wear it?” Isak nodded again. “Then to remove it would go against medical advice?” Lana asked one final time, and Isak nodded once more. “Then as part of your individual learning plan, we have two options. You can take the exam whilst wearing gloves, and a long sleeve lab coat that I’m sure would ensure your experiment isn’t jeopardized. Or we can apply to sit the exam later when you are healed a little more.” Isak thought hard. 

“What if I go to the practical but get too tired or a headache?” Lana admired Isak’s determination not to choose the easiest option of deferral. 

“Then we can apply for retrospective mitigation. Your lecturers will know a little more about your situation but they’ll be able to mark you fairly for it. Is this what you want to go for?” 

Isak licked his lips and let out a breathy “I’ll try, yeah.”


	30. Attendance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> normally I write complete scenes so sorry their meeting was split, been crazy busy but want to keep on updating daily.

“That’s great Isak!” Lana beamed. “I think I have enough to write up a temporary plan for you now but we can revisit it if we need to later.” Lana put aside the folder, then swiveled her chair so that she was facing Isak. “I’m also going to add in an attendance clause.” 

“Okay.” Isak was unsure. 

“This isn’t something you should use when you don’t want to go to class because it doesn’t sound fun or interesting, do you get me?” 

“Yeah, like there has to be a reason.” Isak knew this from Even. He’d seen Even literally be unable to get out of bed and understood it wasn’t a choice for him not to make it to class, and Isak enjoyed his studies so he wouldn’t waste it. 

“Exactly. I’m not saying you have to use your attendance allowance but if you find that you cannot either get through or make it to class, we wouldn’t be concerned about that for now.” Lana elongated the ‘now’ and paused. “At the same time, not attending class doesn’t necessarily equate to not completing degree work. We can apply for extensions or for your assessments to be marked with mitigating factors taken into consideration but we’ll need to chat about that as and when they come up. Does this make sense?” 

“Yeah, I get it. I just email you afterwards?” Isak questioned. 

“Or before. You can also contact your lecturers directly to request work but if not then I’ll do it and forward it onto you. I had a quick look at your grades and you aren’t in any danger of failing so let’s keep it that way shall we.” Isak hummed in agreement. He wasn’t in any danger of failing because Isak typically ranked in the top 10% of his classes. He’d had a strong chance of winning the departmental scholarship for his final year but wasn’t sure where he stood anymore. 

Isk rubbed his eyes, and stifled a yawn. Lana’s office was warm and it made him feel incredibly sleepy. “You still good, or do you feel like you’re about to crash?” Lana watched as Isak tried to wake himself up a little, this usually happened in first meetings with students who were under incredible amounts of stress or adjusting to new medications. Patience was a virtue for sure. 

“We can keep going. I kinda just want to get this done then go to bed.” Isak started to throw the foam ball again just to keep his brain occupied. 

“Sleep is the body’s go-to when it needs to heal.” Lana took a big gulp of coffee before continuing brightly. “So. Next up on the agenda, we have Welfare sessions.”

“Therapy?”

“Counselling.” Lana countered. Then waited to see if Isak would react. 

“I’m fine.” Isak screwed up his face. 

“You are not ready.” Isak thought this sounded like a question but Lana said it with such confidence it seemed to be a statement. He wasn’t against the idea of counselling but hated the way his stomach dropped to the floor when he thought about telling yet another person what he had done that night. 

“I-“ Isak started. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. “I think…” He trailed off again and Lana took pity on him. 

“Okay. How about once a week for now? We don’t have to talk about the attack but I would like to check in with you.”

“That would be…” Isak shook his head, “okay.” 

“But” Lana emphasised this word greatly and Isak tensed. “If I believe you are showing signs of crisis or you decide you need to, we’re gonna up this. Sound fair?” Isak nodded quickly. He wasn’t in crisis. He told people he was fine, and he nearly was he just needed a little more time to get his head straight, and to focus on his upcoming assessments. Once he was off the painkillers, he’d feel normal again. Less floaty. Or he really hoped so, anyhow. “In that case, let’s leave it there today. You did very well considering you were wanting to leave before you made it through my door.” Isak took a deep breath. 

“Yeah, that’s true.” 

“I will put this plan together, then send it out to you and your…” Lana checked her folder, “Marine Biology lecturer for tomorrow. I want to see you Friday, if not before. Come book in when you get the chance but for now. Go relax. Go sleep.” Isak began to gather his things and texted Even to let him know he was done. _Meet at Botanic Garden, walk with me?_ He didn’t want to walk home alone anymore, the clouds look full out of the window and he was sure it was going to rain. 

“Thanks.” Isak said as way of departure. He wouldn’t go relax or sleep, despite his eyelids feeling heavier and heavier. He wanted to ace this exam so he’d grab his textbook and sit, where Even could paint him if he wanted. Isak wouldn’t be moving for several hours so Even could do what he liked to entertain himself. He wasn’t risking this scholarship. He had to complete this practical even if his life depended on it. He’d probably even skip the painkillers tomorrow so he could have a clear head. His brain only had capacity for Marine pollutants for the next twenty-four hours only.


	31. External Examiner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> double update for 600 kudos & 25000 words 
> 
> what a journey we are on 
> 
> I love Isak and one day I will give him the world

Even met Isak not long after Isak left his meeting with Lana. He’d been to the library to collect some new books but otherwise had been waiting for Isak to text him. Isak look tired and almost melted into his arms when he spotted Even walking towards him. 

“You look so sleepy, baby boy.” Even cooed and zipped Isak’s hoodie up so that he looked a little more bundled than he was. Isak moaned and pouted at Even. 

“Carry me home.” Isak whined and Even let out a deep laugh that shook through his entire body. 

“You think I’m so strong, so handsome so-“

“I didn’t say you were handsome!” Isak grumbled. 

“Let’s go home. I wanted to chat to you before you fall asleep.” 

“Yeah?” Isak questioned.

“Yeah.” Even answered softly. 

“You good?” Isak asked as he has asked so many times before to check in with Even. Even nodded then began tugging Isak home. The walk was a little quiet and Isak worried that maybe Even wasn’t doing so well with the stress of the last couple of days. “I know that things have been a little crazy with me and that it’s probably not good for you, or like it's stressing you out.” Isak looked up at Even who raised his eyebrows at him. 

“Isak, you are good for me. Trust me, let’s focus on you for a while.” Isak stopped and Even stopped alongside him. Even was beginning to worry now, because honestly he was doing okay and 

“That’s what I’m worried about.” 

“You don’t trust me?” Even spluttered. 

“No, no, no” Isak started backtracking. “I trust you. I do. I meant that we have to focus on me. I don’t want any more attention.” Even let out a sigh of relief. He knew deep down that Isak trusted him but he hadn’t been able to stop the momentary fear that maybe he didn’t.

“You deserve our attention. You do so much for others. It’s time we looked out for you for a while.” Even could tell that the conversation was over as Isak started walking again. Very soon they were back at the apartment and Isak had settled on the sofa with his textbook without so much even getting a drink. He flicked open to the relevant pages and began highlighting and taking and retaking notes. 

Isak didn’t even notice when Even placed a cheese toastie in front of him or took out his paint kit. Even knew this, which was exactly why he got his paint before working on his own academics. He could do this before Isak noticed and stressed. Even watched Isak for a while before choosing his colour scheme. He tried to begin in reds and yellows but found himself drawn to black and white and a whole cityscape of grey formed behind Isak’s face. Later, when Even would show this to Isak he’d see tears form in his eyes but refuse to fall. Isak saw concrete and the sky and the grey area of what happened to him made Even’s heart race and a promise that he’d never show anybody else his painting. Isak knew this was the best painting Even had done of him because he would look at it and see the truth staring back at him. And the truth sometimes hurt. 

It was Jonas who noticed, hours later that Isak was not taking his painkillers despite the heavy set of soreness stretched across his face. When asked, Isak had said he needed to have a clear head for his assessment tomorrow and neither Jonas or Even pushed it. Even tried several times to bring up the photograph of Isak. At the dinner table, Even decided it was better that Isak eat and not be reminded of other things that had been forced into his mouth. Jonas jumped in the shower and Even and Isak found themselves alone in the lounge, Isak with a stiff neck from staring at his textbook for hours. Even began several conversations with the intention to ask Isak about the photo but couldn’t bring himself to ask. When they were both changed and ready for bed, Even justified to himself that it was better that he ask Isak after his practical tomorrow. Isak needed to sleep well, so he could do well in the assessment and Even didn’t want to jeopardise this. Even would come to regret this the next night. 

Isak walked to campus early the next day. Both Jonas and Even had wished him luck but told him that he wouldn’t need it. Isak had quickly scrolled through the learning plan Lana had sent him, and his lecturer had also emailed to confirm that morning that he’d be fine to complete the experiment in a long sleeve lab coat, gloves, and wrist brace but this did little to settle Isak’s nerves and fraying patience at being in pain from refusing his painkillers. When Isak spotted his lecturer at the front of the lab he couldn’t help but be a little resentful of the pitying smile he’d given him. 

Isak brushed it off and set up his work station alongside the other fifteen students in his room ready for the sign to begin. Isak stared down at the equipment and knew that he knew this experiment inside out. He heard his lecturer clear his throat and looked up to the front.

“Welcome everyone. Our external examiners have arrived so we will begin at the sound of the bell. Thank you.” Considering the early hour, his lecturer was particularly enthusiastic. 

It was then, as a young man with a rough beard moved from behind two female P.H.D students that Isak felt the room spin. His hands shook and his ability to breathe steadily vanished. He let out a couple of gasping breaths that drew the attention of those around him. His lecturer made a beeline for him and with that so did the man that had forced Isak to do things he didn’t want to do, down a dirty alley. Isak took a step back and found that he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t hear his lecturer or feel his hands make fists. He could hear a rushing that ran from his ears to his lungs. He had enough awareness to grip his backpack from under the lab table and walk straight out to the corridor. 

With his back to his lecturer and the man, Isak felt a strong shudder pass through him. He desperately tried to pull open the zip and pull his phone from his bag as he held himself up again the corridor. His lecturer had followed him out, but the man had stayed behind. With pleading eyes, Isak gestured to his bag’s zip and his lecturer undid it. Isak gripped the phone that wouldn’t unlock with his fingerprint because it was too sweaty. He tapped through to Even’s name and let himself slide down to the floor. Tears streaming down his face he waited for the dial tone to disappear and Even’s voice to help him back down to the ground.


	32. Distraught

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar 
> 
> say hi

Even knew, as soon as Isak’s name appeared on his phone screen that something was wrong. He looked at his watch and calculated that Isak should just be about to begin his practical. It was more than likely that he was suffering from last minute nerves so Even tucked the phone between his shoulder and his ear and carried on loading the washing into the machine. 

“Hey, babe.” Even began. On the other end of the line, Isak was pushing away the lecturer from him who was trying to help but really needed to be in the assessment, and letting out large stuttering gasps. To say that he was devastated would be an understatement. A part of Isak felt like he was grieving something but his primary emotion was fear. Even dropped the washing. “Isak?” Something had happened or was happening to Isak and Even was also scared. “Talk to me.” But Isak once again felt his mouth close and an inability to get the words out. Even had watched this happen in person many times before but never in a moment when Isak wanted him so badly. 

Even sprinted back up to the flat to grab his keys. “Where are you? I’m coming to find you!” Jonas heard this from the kitchen and could feel Even’s panic fill the room. Isak held the phone so tight and managed to stutter out a couple of words that made Even’s chest tighten. 

“H-h-he’s hee-rrr-r-eee.” Isak conveyed in those two words exactly who was there. 

“Shit!” Even shouted down the phone “Jonas we’ve got to go. Now!” Jonas jumped up. He couldn’t hear the phone call but Even rarely panicked so something was going down. Jonas and Even took the stairs two at a time whilst Even desperately tried to get Isak to keep talking. “Isak, where are you? Are you safe?” This was particularly difficult as Isak was experiencing his first ever full blown panic attack. He’d had them before but never on the scale of almost completely immobilising his entire body, and nearly his mind. 

“He’sss in cla-ss.” Isak spat. He was alone now, the lecturer hearing Isak talk to someone on the phone couldn’t see how he could help anymore. Whilst he wasn’t comfortable leaving Isak in such obvious distress, his assessed practical was important. Isak smacked his head back against the wall, his body jerky and uncooperative. He stared at the door which held the man he hated and hoped that Even found him before the man did. Isak wanted to get up and walk further away, but he felt weak. He wanted to close his eyes and disappear behind a wall of warmth and cosiness but he wasn’t sure if he closed his eyes, he’d find it. 

Isak couldn’t focus on Even’s voice anymore. He could hear the sound and it sounded courageous but he couldn’t make out the words. It didn’t matter. Jonas and Even had run to campus and were trying to figure out which building Isak would be in. Neither of them knew the Biosciences building well but Isak had to have been in a lab for the practical so they must be close. Floor by floor they hurried through the corridors looking out for Isak in every corner and small hiding place. 

Jonas heard Isak before either him or Even spotted him. He stopped in his tracks because it so much reminded him of the last time Isak was hurt. Jonas wasn’t sure he could do this again. To look in Isak’s eyes again and see so much pain when he had been doing so so well. Even ran past him and took in the sight of Isak on the floor of the corridor. Isak turned his head towards the people now near him and it took him a minute to recognise they were safe. Even’s mouth hung open as he fell to his knees next to Isak who was almost green and pale. 

Even reached out and held Isak’s head in his hands. Isak was entirely distraught and Even’s thumbs caught his tears. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.” Even whispered to Isak again and again. “I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re safe. I’m here.” Even wanted to push a kiss onto Isak’s forehead that conveyed just how much Even was there to fight for him but he didn’t because he could see the glaze in Isak’s eyes. 

Jonas, on the other hand, in taking in the state of Isak wanted nothing more than to knock down the lab door and punch this man senseless. He wanted to leave with bloody knuckles and a promise to Isak that he was safer. The only thing stopping him was Isak’s breathing not settling and what looked like quite a lengthy panic attack. 

“Even. we’ve got to slow his breathing.” Jonas had had panic attacks since a child and was pretty much a pro at getting through them. He could have one, then go out and play football half-an-hour later, or on bad days he’d be on edge for the next few days but force himself through it. 

Even rubbed Isak’s eyebrows and placed his forehead on Isak’s. Isak was a little more aware now. 

“Even.” Isak pleaded. The terror in his voice chipped a tiny piece of innocence from Even’s heart. 

“I’m here. We’re going to start breathing together okay. Jonas is going to count for us, yeah?” Even turned to Jonas who nodded and sat crossed legged close to Isak and Even.   
He counted slowly and told Isak and Even when to hold their breath. Isak tried but he couldn’t help but release it early and take another gulp of air. Jonas kept at it. Isak was trying and Even’s presence was distracting him enough so that they could get to him. 

Both Even and Jonas could tell when Isak’s self-awareness returned because his face flushed bright red and he leant his head into Even’s shoulder. He let Isak sniffle and cry a little longer before he gestured to Jonas to help him pick Isak up off the floor. It was dangerous for them to stay so close to the man they resented, especially since only Isak knew what he looked like. Even pulled Isak tight against his chest and Jonas carried his backpack. Isak looked back at the door one final time before allowing Jonas and Even to lead him out of the building, marine pollutants so far from the forefront of his mind.


	33. Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

“Should we take him to Welfare?” Jonas asked Even who had Isak tucked under his arm. He would’ve asked Isak but he was quiet and Jonas could tell he was trapped deep in his thoughts. Jonas was happy to leave him there if it meant that he wouldn’t keep spiraling through panic attacks. 

“I don’t know.” Even felt out of his depth. The man who attacked Isak was obviously violent and shouldn’t be free on the streets, let alone on campus but he couldn’t go and report him to security without some sort of evidence. And Isak hadn’t gone to the police. Even didn’t even know if he’d told his advisor in the Welfare team who, or what had happened to him. 

Isak decided for all of them with a single word. “Home.” The only word he would speak for the next couple of days. He couldn’t go to talk to Lana right now, not when everything felt so fresh again. Not while he was still on campus. He wanted to be as far away as possible. If Even offered to take him straight to the airport and fly to Australia, he’d get on the plane. Anywhere but that science lab. 

Jonas and Even walked Isak home. The walk was slow and both boys hovered over Isak who was focusing on nothing but putting one foot in front of the other. He felt lightheaded, and sometimes the sky seemed to swim towards the ground and Isak would have to stop until it settled again. Isak could hear Jonas and Even talking to each other and frequently to him but he ignored it. Jonas and Even had left so quickly that they hadn’t even locked the flat door so Isak walked in and straight into the bathroom. He needed to shower but had enough sense not to lock the door when he was feeling so out of it to Jonas and Even’s relief. 

Isak could hear them whispering fiercely outside but they left him alone. He turned the shower to cool and let the water run until his teeth chattered. He turned the shower off but stood there staring at the tiles on the wall. He’d skipped out on his painkillers so he could take his practical that morning and now he couldn’t tell where the physical pain ended and the mental hurt began. He took a towel from the rail and wrapped it around his waist. 

Isak opened the door to find Jonas waiting just outside. Isak went to walk past him but Jonas stopped him. “Isak, let me know okay? If you need anything.” Isak looked at him blankly. “Like I can sit with you or whatever. I just want you to feel safe here.” Jonas continued, entirely sincere but a little nervous. Isak thought about Jonas’s comments. Did he feel safe in the city anymore? Isak decided he didn’t want to think about it any longer. So far, he was safe in his flat. He could stay here for as long as he wanted, or needed. 

Isak met Jonas’s eyes which was enough of a sign of acknowledgement for Jonas, he let him pass. Even was sitting on the edge of the bed on Isak’s side when Isak entered. He was holding Isak’s pot of painkillers and offered them up to Isak. 

“I really think you should take these now.” Even patted the space next to him but Isak climbed into the bed and looked for the blankets to pull up. He didn’t turn away from Even but it was clear he was refusing the pills. Isak wanted this day to end, and the sooner he went to sleep the better when he could wake up and try again to face the day. Even patted Isak’s legs over the blankets and watched him stare up at the ceiling vacantly. It was a look that others had described many times to Even but one that he had rarely seen in others rather than himself. “Okay. Get some sleep.” Even paused. “I love you.” He put Isak’s pills on the bedside table so that Isak could reach them if he needed but he knew Isak wouldn’t reach for them. He wasn’t sure if Isak would be able to fall asleep but Even wasn’t sure what else he could do for him. Isak didn’t need Even to do anything for him but he did anyway. Because Isak needed to feel loved again. Because that morning he had forgotten what it felt like.


	34. Coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi 
> 
> a little bit of Even <3

The next couple of days were difficult for them all. Isak wouldn’t eat, take his painkillers or get out of bed. Or rather, Isak couldn’t do any of the things mentioned previously. Magnus had noticed Isak’s silence on the group chat and he too was worried that something was up but Jonas wouldn’t let him into the flat to find out. Isak needed time, and although himself and Even had wanted to give it to him, Isak was running out. 

Even was particularly worried, and whilst Isak seemed to drift in and out of consciousness all day, Even was barely sleeping. He arrived at his own appointment with Nico, from the Welfare team late, and obviously stressed. He had had a one sided conversation with Isak before he left that perhaps Isak should join him for the meeting because it wasn’t good for Isak to keep all of his anguish inside. Isak hadn’t given him an answer but made no move to get out of bed. He couldn’t do it. He might bump into the man he hated so much again and he wouldn’t be able to protect himself because he was feeling so rough. It was Jonas who eventually got Even out of the door and promised to watch over Isak whilst Even was out. 

Nico was surprised at Even’s appearance in his office. Even had been very stable the last few weeks and hadn’t been affected by his bi-polar significantly in a while. “Talk to me.” He was blunt but Even liked that. Even rubbed at his eyes but didn’t know where to begin. Nico didn’t know about Isak’s attack and there was so much to explain. But he did know about Isak and how important they were to each other. Even spoke slowly and paused often. 

“Isak was attacked, sexually assaulted actually, last week.” Nico’s eyebrows raised. “And his attacker turned up in his lab this week. And he’s really not doing good right now. I don’t know what to do anymore, I just feel so hopeless. I-“ Nico cut him off. 

“I’m really sorry to hear that Even but I’m sure you are doing everything you can for him.” This had little effect on Even’s sadness. 

“He’s just so hurt and I can’t get through to him.” 

“It is an awful situation for the both of you. First, let’s discuss if there is anything we can do to help Isak. Then we’ll discuss the effect this has had on you.” Even nodded. 

“He registered here on Monday with Lana but he won’t leave the flat.” 

“You know how difficult that can be sometimes, is he showing any signs of depression?” 

“Yes. He’s not eating, he’s given up on the medication. He’s so trapped inside whatever moment he is reliving over and over. I woke up last night to him hyperventilating and sweating through the bedsheets. He needs help but he won’t ask for it.” Even was near tears now. He was always emotional when it came to Isak but this was the first time he could discuss what had happened to him with someone distanced from the situation. 

“Okay. I’m going to talk to Lana after we’ve finished chatting and see if she can take a home visit. It sounds like Isak is in a lot of distress and I’d like to see how we can help not only him here, but you too. You’re under a lot of pressure by the sounds of it. Have you been attending class this week?” 

Even looked a little guilty. He was normally so good at letting Nico know when he wasn’t in class. “At the start yes, the last couple of days I’ve been with Isak.” Nico wasn’t surprised by this but it was important that Even was honest and accountable for his own attendance. 

“And you have an essay deadline right?” 

“End of next week. It’ll be done. Not my best but done.” 

“It’s good to submit, keep as normal schedule as possible.” Nico stroked his beard as he pulled up Even’s timetable and tried to calculate how many classes he missed. “Okay Even,” Nico turned to Even. “I’ll give you the rest of the week if you want to take it?” Even could see some sort of ulterior motive in Nico’s eyes but allowed him to continue. “On the condition that you use this time not only to be there for Isak but to take care of yourself too. You’ve been doing really well this term but I can see you are a little run down.” 

“It’s difficult being around Isak when he is so sad. I can feel myself slipping a little and I just want to be close to him all the time.” 

“And in these circumstances, I’m not overly worried. These are perfectly realistic things to happen to cope with what you both are coping with. Are you still taking the lithium?” 

“Every day.” Even wouldn’t come off it. Although it numbed him a little, it also seemed to make him more aware of his symptoms and he was a little better at noticing when he’d done something a little out of the ordinary. 

“Good. Let’s stick with it –eh?” 

“Yeah.” Even answered. He was tired again now. Nico was right, he needed to take some time out so that he could catch up on sleep and try to de-stress a little. “I’ll call Eskild and see if he can come be with Isak for a bit while I finish off this essay. I don’t like leaving him alone.” Nico shook his head. 

“By all means call Eskild, but no essay tonight. I want you to sleep. You’ll be much better prepared to tackle it with a clearer mind.” Nico could be as bossy as Isak was with the dishwasher loading and Even always found it amusing. Sleep sounded so good to Even now. He hoped Isak was resting peacefully so he could join him and not wake to whimpering. “Do you want to up your sessions?” 

Even thought it through but decided against it. “I think I’ll wait and see. I’ll email if anything comes up.” Nico hummed in agreement. He trusted Even to be honest with him but couldn’t even imagine what enormous heaviness there was in Isak and Even’s flat right now. He knew Even had a great support system and Nico hoped that it extended to Isak too.


	35. Lana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumbr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Lana arrived at Even and Isak’s flat later that afternoon. Normally she would not discuss her students with other advisors unless for professional opinions but Even’s concerns had been enough for Nico to know that Lana needed to see Isak. Even opened the door and lead Lana to the bedroom where Isak was still in bed but propped up on several pillows. “I’ll be in Jonas’s room.” Even said as way of departure. 

Lana took a seat at the desk chair and shrugged off her jacket. Isak was embarrassed for her to see him like this but hadn’t had the energy to move to the lounge so he refused to look up at her. Plus he hadn’t wanted Jonas or Even to overhear them. Isak knew he looked awful. He had after all, slept in the same t-shirt and joggers for the past few days, his hair needed to be washed and a distinctly boyish smell permeated the room. 

Lana was about to speak when Isak cleared his throat. At his obvious sign of wanting to talk Lana waited. “I think I should talk to the police.” Of all the things Lana expected Isak to say, that was not one of them. Isak had had plenty of time to think and the thought that this man was on campus and potentially in a situation to hurt someone else the same way he was made his stomach roll.

“This is a giant step Isak.” Lana kept her voice light and encouraging. “If you want to, this is something I can help you with.” Isak pushed his sweaty hair back off his forehead. “But I think first we should make sure you are in the best condition you can be in to face that.” Isak didn’t speak. “You know I’m here because Even raised concerns with his advisor?” Lana asked. There hadn’t been any tension between them when she arrived so she presumed Even had spoken to Isak about it. 

“He’s worried.” 

“And you’re not?” Isak didn’t answer straight away, finding time to tell Lana the truth. 

“I am.” Isak knew when Even told him earlier what he had said that it was the right thing to do. Isak was in way over his head and even though Even had been guiding him it was unfair to put all of Isak’s troubles on Even. 

“Okay, that’s okay Isak. It’s what I’m here for.” Isak nodded. “First a little bit of self-care, then. Are you still in pain?”

“I stopped taking them. I’m used to it now.” 

“If you want my opinion.” Isak got the impression that this wasn’t Lana’s opinion but a very strong recommendation. “Today you’ll eat some proper food. Your favourite, something easy, something light. Then you’ll take some of the medication a medical professional prescribed to you.” It sounded like quite a mountain to Isak but he couldn’t deny he was hungry. “And shower.” Lana added as an afterthought. “All of the above and hopefully you’ll feel a little more comfortable in your own skin and it’ll make the rest easier.”

“What about the police?” Isak asked. 

“Did you want to go today? I can message a liaison contact.” Isak could do this independently of the Welfare team if he wanted, or Lana could be there every step of the way. 

“Tomorrow. Not yet. Not today.” Isak panicked a little, his voice scratching with the sudden overuse. 

“Then, can I ask about what triggered your emotional distress?” Lana was treading water very slowly here. She knew Isak was still fragile but it was important she got as much information as possible if there was potentially an attacker on campus. 

“Did Even not say?” Isak really didn’t want to think about nearly collapsing in his lab and missing his assessed practical. 

“Very little. This is about what you want to tell me Isak. I’m only asking so soon because if there is potentially somebody on campus who will endanger others. I need to know.” Lana didn’t say this to guilt Isak into telling but was University policy. Isak swallowed loudly.

“He – the man who attacked me – turned up in –during my – before my Marine Biology practical.” Isak shivered a little at the memory. Lana waited before asking with as much compassion as she had:

“Can you tell me who this was Isak?” And at first, Isak couldn’t. But then he thought about the police and how he would have to tell them who he was so he should maybe practice on somebody else first.   
“I don’t know his name”

“So he isn’t a student?” Lana had made no other assumptions so far. 

“He.” Isak took a large breath to calm himself. “He was an external examiner.” Becoming a little twitchy at having thought about the man for so long, Isak wanted to jump up off the bed and into the shower. Or Even’s arms, either would do. 

“Thank you, Isak. It was really brave of you to speak up. I’ll make sure he isn’t allowed onto campus anymore.”

“I don’t know what will happen if I see him again. I feel so sick all the time already. I can’t be where he is.” Lana nodded quickly. 

“I understand. I’ll act quickly on this. So, back to you. Don’t worry about the practical, I’ll sort that with your lecturer. We’ll come back to that. I’m going to write you off class for the rest of the week whether you go to the police or not, okay?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m going to email you an appointment time for Monday. Even if you aren’t ready to attend class, there is a lot happening with you and it’s important that we stay on the same page.” 

“Erm, the doctor gave me a card for a police officer I should talk to but I don’t know whether to go by myself or whether to ask Even.” Isak tried to make it sound like a question but it came out more as a statement. He didn’t know how he would feel about being in a room without Even when both him and Jonas had babysat him so closely the last few years, but Isak knew they would ask him questions again and again and Isak didn’t know the answer to a lot of the questions.” 

“You want my opinion?” 

“Yeah.” Lana considered the boy in front of her. She had known him for so little time but the boy who opened the door seemed to radiate love for Isak from his very being. 

“I think” Lana waited, long enough to really peak Isak’s attention, “that it is really important that you have support with you. You’ve been through a lot of really difficult things these past few days and this won’t be easy. If Even is the one who you think will make your journey out of this haziness easier, then you should. If you are worried that this will affect your relationship, then you should know that what is happening now already is. But ultimately, it is down to you. You want him to be with you. Ask him. You want a moment to breathe. Let him know. You want him to leave half-way through. Tell him.” Isak hadn’t really wanted Lana to convince him any other way. He was just frightened to ask Even in case he said no. “Think about it, okay?”

“I will. But self-care first right?” 

“Exactly! Is there anything else you’d like to discuss before I head off to campus security?” 

“No.” Isak shook his head. “Thank you” Isak called as Lana left the room. And for the first time in days, Isak was ready to get out of bed, Even watching him leant up against the doorframe.


	36. Lemon Chicken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi / let me know what you are looking forward to

Just because Isak felt ready to leave bed, things weren’t suddenly made easy. “Can you ask Eskild to bring over some takeaway?” Isak asked Jonas from Even’s arms, freshly medicated and his hair fluffy from the short but refreshing shower. He was glad to be out of the bedroom for a while so the boys were camped out in the lounge. 

“Sure thing.” Jonas answered and pulled out his phone to text Eskild. You rarely had to ring Eskild as he was always glued to his phone, ready to react to the latest drama at any time. So far, he knew Isak was down but Even and Jonas had been handling. He’d been buzzing to drop by but Even had warned against overwhelming him so he had waited it out. 

Even was probably the most relived to see Isak’s gaze a little lighter. He knew Isak was still climbing out of the darkness but the first step always seemed the most daunting. Isak had told him that Lana had written him off for the rest of the week, and Even admitted quietly that Nico had done the same. Isak pulled Even into his arms at this news and hugged him tighter than before, he could see the brief look of shame that had crossed Even’s face and Isak couldn’t help but feel guilty that he’d been so trapped in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed Even beginning to struggle. Even of course, just as observant as Isak, had seen Isak’s guilt and they both discussed that things were neither of their faults. 

Jonas’s phone pinged. “He’s leaving the kollectiv now.” Jonas was reading a book about International Relations and was spread out on the rug. The boys sat quietly, all resting until the door buzzed and Eskild arrived. He wasn’t as bubbly as usual but was warm and immediately pulled Isak up out of Even’s arms and into his own. Isak could smell lemon chicken and noodles and for the first time in days heard his stomach rumble. 

“Love you, baby gay.” Eskild whispered into Isak’s ear. “I know you’ve been through some shit the last few days but Daddy Eskild is here now.”

“Daddy Eskild! Who are you fucking that calls you that?” Isak exclaimed loudly, a shocked grin spreading over his face. 

“Someone from the ice hockey team. He’s great.” Eskild boasted. Even watched their encounter slightly surprised, not that he or Isak had been in the mood for sex the last couple of days, Even had been hesitant to bring the subject up but Isak hadn’t shrunk from discussing sex with Eskild. Jonas rolled his eyes and pulled the metal takeaway dishes out from the carrier bag, Eskild was always talking about a new guy. He’d be the last to settle down for sure. 

Whilst Isak was hungry, his stomach ached by the time he had eaten half of his portion. He wanted more but didn’t want to risk making himself sick. Maybe he could have more a bit later on. The rest of the boys had wolfed down their portions and were loading the dishwasher while Isak wrapped his plate and put it in the fridge. It was early but both Even and Isak were exhausted so Isak knew he needed to talk about the police before Eskild made his excuses and left. Isak leant back against the fridge, and wondered how to broach the topic. 

“Hey guys.” Isak waited until the boys stopped debating whether Jonas should take second chair at his debate or sabotage the first chair. “So you know Lana came to see me today?” It was rhetorical since they all knew. “I told her that I want to talk to the police.” Isak expected the boys to all talk at once and do so loudly but no one did. 

“That’s huge Isak.” Even was the first to speak. Jonas looked worried and Isak would describe Eskild as being emotionally proud. 

“Erm. I just. I want.” Isak rolled his lips into his mouth. “I want to feel safe on campus again.” And then the boys moved, enveloping Isak in the biggest group hug. They were all tactile people but this was the first time they’d ever had a group hug. 

“We want you to do what’s best for you.” Jonas mumbled into Eskild’s armpit where he was stuck. 

“We’ll be here. You don’t get to do this alone.” Eskild supplied. 

“Not alone, no.” And Isak knew that he would be able to get through this. Whatever was coming wasn’t easy, wasn’t something he’d shout from the rooftops but maybe one day he’d be proud of doing so. Even, Jonas and Eskild already were.


	37. Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Hours later, Jonas had headed out to join Magnus and Madhi for a Fifa night and Eskild too had to get back for an early start at work the next day. Even and Isak were so tired that it was by mutual discussion that they’d just head to bed. Even took a quick shower then shuffled up to Isak under the duvet. He hadn’t bothered putting on a t-shirt and Even wondered if he was too exposed for Isak right now. Isak was turned towards the door, and hadn’t rolled over when Even joined him in bed. Even pushed up against him a little more until almost his whole body was flush against Isak. 

“Is this okay?” Even asked, his chin resting on Isak’s shoulder. 

“Yeah” Isak could feel Even and his cock but didn’t feel under any pressure to say or do anything about it. Truthfully, Isak had been doing his very best to forget about sex. This wasn’t easy as a young man who prior to the previous week had had a very active sex life and a high libido. Sex might be different now and Isak wasn’t ready to broach that with Even yet. Isak had even surprised himself that Even being so close was okay with him, but Isak had committed the shape of Even’s body to memory and the tension couldn’t help but leak from him when Even held him. Which was often nowadays. 

“Roll over, I want to chat” Even guided a hand to Isak’s cheek which was finally healing well and helped him roll over. Isak pulled the duvet up towards both of their chins. It was almost stifling but then Isak couldn’t see anything but Even and for some reason this was comforting. Isak had turned off the main lights but left on a bright led lamp in the corner of the room. The light was soft but permeated the room so that Isak could read Even’s features well. 

“Hello” Isak and Even stared at each other for a while, Isak jutting his chin up a little bit and a small smirk forming on his lips. 

“Hola mi amor” Even laughed and ran his forefinger over Isak’s lips. It had been a while since they kissed so Isak leant forward and placed a soft kiss on Even’s lips. It was much more intimate than sexual but Even couldn’t help but get a little fidgety as arousal spread through his body. “So,” he heeded to distract himself “the police, tell me about what you want to do.” There was nothing remotely sexy about Isak having to talk to the police. 

“When I was at the hospital, the doctor gave me the business card of a contact who I could talk to.” Even nodded. “He said I could wait until I was ready to talk to them.” Isak paused and closed his eyes but Even could see he was thinking. “I’m not – I don’t feel 100% ready but I saw him Even and you saw me afterwards.” Isak’s voice broke “You saw that he broke me and –and he can’t be allowed to do that – it isn’t fair.” 

“It isn’t fair. You are so beautiful, so brave, Isak. But you are allowed to be scared and tired too. I didn’t see a boy who was broken. I saw a very hurt boy who had been exhausting himself trying to convince the entire world around him that he was okay.” Isak blushed and tried to interrupt but Even continued. “I know there are still things we haven’t talked about, it seems like every few days we have a deep and meaningful conversation that somehow changes the boundaries of our relationship but if that needs to happen every day for the rest of our lives then I am willing and ready to do that with you.” There was a sadness in Even’s eyes that Isak couldn’t quite place. Even was still sensitive from Isak letting him sleep on the night of his attack but knew it wasn’t a priority in their current conversation. 

“What have we not talked about?” Isak was not oblivious to the fact there were many things he had not yet said to Even, or things that he had wanted to say but hadn’t found the time, the words so there wasn’t any malice in his question only genuine inquiry. Even felt himself under Isak’s scrutiny. This was his moment. He could ask Isak about the photograph. About sex. Whether he would consider medication for his worsening panic attacks. Why Jonas was allowed to be there when he wasn’t. The haircut. All questions that had been building at the back of Even’s mind and he hadn’t allowed to filter through to his mouth yet. 

“Sex.” Even blurted out in the end, because it almost seemed easier than any of the other topics. Isak dropped his eye contact immediately and Even took his hands from Isak’s body. He sometimes asked people to let go of him if they had been touching him when he was reminded of the attack. 

“I’m sorry, are you horny? I didn’t think –“ Even interrupted immediately. 

“Don’t apologise!” Isak grew a little tense at Even’s outburst and he felt his heart beat faster in protest. 

“I’m sorry. I-” 

“Isak…” Even lifted his hands back to Isak’s face, where he had held him so many times before when he needed somebody to calm him down. “Isak. I’m sorry.” Even spoke slowly and calmly and Isak listened. “I’m not asking you if you are ready for sex.” Isak nodded into Even’s hands. “I’m just wanted to tell you that there is no timescale for this. What happened to you might have changed nothing, it might have changed everything but we’re going to figure this out at some point. I just wanted to know whether we should blacklist the topic or like if I can tell you that I masturbated in the shower.” Isak wrapped an ankle around Even’s leg, he wanted to be closer to Even even though they were almost inseparable under the duvet. “For example!” Even added this on as an afterthought. He didn’t want Isak to be thinking about Even masturbating or sex stuff if he wasn’t ready. 

“I guess, I don’t know.” Even saw a flash of anger cross Isak’s face. “I feel like a virgin again. Maybe sometimes it’ll be okay but if I have a bad day then maybe it’ll remind me of him and I never want to see him when I’m with you.” 

“Thank you for telling me.” Even smiled at Isak. “So one day at a time?” Even asked. 

“One day at a time.” Isak reached and tucked Even’s hair behind his ear. It really was growing again, he’d text Eskild and ask him to cut Even’s hair. Maybe he would suit a buzzcut too. “Erm, there is one thing that I don’t think I can, I don’t think I can do it again.” 

“We never have to do anything again. When you give me your trust by giving me your consent, you give me just as much power as when you say ‘hey, I’m not up for this’”. Even watched Isak’s face crumple. He’d said too much. 

“You’ve always asked me. From that first night to literally last week in Magnus’s bathroom and he asked me and I said no.” Even could tell Isak wasn’t finished. “He made it feel like I was choosing something better by blowing him rather than - that I was really saying yes, but I wasn’t.”

“I know.” Even said with desolate eyes. “I know.” 

“Now he’s ruined it. I don’t think I can ever blow you again.” 

“That’s okay with me, Isak. Never again will you feel like that, I promise.” Isak pulled Even closer and almost rolled on top of him. He pulled Even’s arms around him and tucked his head against Even’s chest. He drifted off to sleep listening to Even’s heartbeat and for the first time in days, not in pain.


	38. Orgasm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> a little bit of sexiness (let me know if you like this)

Isak woke in a tangle of arms and legs. He had rolled off Even at some point during the night but their bodies were still entwined and Isak could see Even’s chest rise and fall as he slept a little longer. For the first time in what felt like forever, Isak had an uncomfortably tight feeling in his boxers. He lifted the duvet and just as he suspected, he was hard. Isak dropped the covers and scooted a little away from Even. He might have been rubbing up against Even in his sleep but he wouldn’t do it whilst he was awake and Even wasn’t. 

At Isak’s movement on the bed, Even groaned and the sound went straight to Isak’s cock. He let out a little sigh but didn’t give Even any indication what was racing through his mind. “Morning” he whispered to Even. 

“Morning” Even whispered in return. They were usually quiet in the mornings. Isak reached an arm over to Even who held up his own to hold onto his hand against his chest. “Errr Isak?” Even sounded nervous and Isak wasn’t sure why. 

“Yeah” he said softly. 

“Erm, I have an erection. So…maybe you should stay on your side of the bed.” Even flushed and Isak let out a giggle. Even’s eyebrows shot up, Isak giggling seemed so rare now. Maybe he was still delirious from sleep. 

“Me too!” Isak said with an almost terrifying joy, and Even relaxed. Isak was realising for the first time since the attack that him getting hard was even an option. Sex was different now, yes, but potentially not over. Isak pouted then pressed lots of tiny kisses to Even’s face. “Wanna make out?” Isak asked and Even began kissing him back. Properly this time, not gently or softly but hungrily, messily. Even kept as still as he could and let Isak be the one to come to him. He held Isak’s right hand but left the other one on the bed and not in risk of touching him somewhere he wasn’t ready for. 

Isak could feel a damp patch on his boxers now and a pressure building that needed releasing. He could see Even’s left eyebrow was twitching slightly, Even’s own sign that he was wanting to orgasm but holding back. The boys had pretty good stamina normally but for them both, it had been a while and the tension release an orgasm would give them would be more than welcome. Isak pulled off from Even and Even took a deep breath, thinking that Isak had needed to stop. He hadn’t. He climbed on top of Even so that he could feel Even’s cock straining towards his through their underwear. 

“Okay?” Even asked, checking in. 

“Okay.” Isak replied confidently. Isak rolled his hips down onto Even and they both groaned loudly. Then, burst out laughing at the porn star nature of their groans. Isak lowered himself onto his forearms so that he could continue kissing Even who was absolutely sweating at trying not to thrust upwards and scare Isak. “You can move, I’m okay.” Isak noticed Even’s body almost shaking in control. Even threw his arms upwards and clutched onto his pillow. He began meeting Isak’s thrusts and they found their rhythm. This wasn’t something they did often, usual members of their sex life included blowjobs, fingering, and anal sex but there was something youthful about getting off on each other. Something that reminded Isak of their first few times and the long way they’d come since then. Something that reminded Even of the power of their bodies and how well they fit with the other. 

Isak began panting not too long after, his balls heavy, he really needed to cum. He felt his eyes begin to water in frustration, he was ready, he wanted to cum but something was holding him back. He began to overthink it and stress and his thrusts became more forceful. Even was teetering on the edge but really wanted to give Isak his orgasm first so was waiting. When he felt Isak’s hands grip his shoulders tighten and his hips thrust harder against Even, he opened his eyes and looked up at Isak above him. His eyebrows knitted together, his mouth open.

“Hey,” Even wanted to cup Isak’s face but didn’t want to put his hands in Isak’s hair, he risked placing his hands on Isak’s hips instead, slowing his thrusts slightly. “Hey, relax. It’ll happen.” Isak let out a whine. He was so hard it hurt now. “Let me help?” Even asked and moved his hands towards the front of Isak’s boxers. He waited until Isak nodded before cupping Isak’s balls in the palm of his hand, rolling the wet fabric between his fingers, he leant upwards and captured Isak’s lips in his, his tongue flicking across Isak’s. Isak’s hands pressed into Even’s shoulders as his body shuddered again and again under Even’s touch. He didn’t scream as his shouts were captured by Even’s mouth. He panted through his orgasm and immediately felt like jelly. Even held him until the last drop of cum left his cock. “So good, baby boy.” Even whispered into his ear and he rested his head on Isak’s shoulder. Isak felt a shiver run through his spine when Even called him 'baby boy'. It wasn't because Even liked him younger or smaller but because Isak felt so loved when Even praised him. Even hadn’t cum. He had been so close but knew as soon as Isak struggled with his own orgasm that it wasn’t about Even. He’d have plenty more orgasms in the future but was fine to let his own die down for now. Not that it was easy when Isak was still rocking gently on top of him. It was only when Isak started getting twitchy, not enjoying the feeling of dried bodily fluids that Even spoke again. “Shower?” 

“Shower.” Isak nodded sharply, sated and relieved and so in love as ever.


	39. Toast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

The boys had actually slept quite late and Jonas had already left for his final class of the week. He’d left a note on the counter Relax. (Both of you!) Love J. Isak was putting some bread in the toaster and waiting for Even to finish blow-drying his hair into his beautiful quiff. He took the butter from the fridge and took out a box of fruit flavoured tea from the cupboard. Isak didn’t normally drink tea, he didn’t want the caffine levels that came with coffee but wanted something that would warm his insides nicely. He flicked the switch on the kettle and waited for the toast to pop. 

With a sharp ping, the toast shot up and Isak jumped just as Even entered the kitchen. Isak was embarrassed that the toast had made him jump but Even didn’t say anything. He went to the cupboard to find some honey. Isak abruptly felt quite self-conscious being so close to Even. He’d seemed so confident earlier that morning but Even hadn’t cum in the end and Isak had needed to shower quickly so that he wasn’t reminded of Dr Neiko cleaning dried bodily fluids from him. Even had been hard though so it wasn’t like Isak wasn’t attractive anymore, he should’ve paid more attention helped Even finish off. 

“Hey, so erm, this morning was okay, right?” Isak asked eventually because speculating would only cause him worry. Even turned from the counter and smiled brightly. 

“Wonderful.” Even looked happy and genuine but Isak couldn’t help but frown as he asked again. 

“I just, I just realised that you didn’t cum so I wasn’t-“

“Isak. It was great, so hot.” Even stepped towards Isak but careful not to crowd him. “I wanted this morning to be for you.” Isak nodded, hating how paranoid he sounded. “We haven’t always had an equal number of orgasms, right?” Isak nodded again. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d blown Even and Even hadn’t liked to blow Isak back for the first few months, preferring to use his hands and fingers. Sometimes when they were rushed in the morning, Isak would wake Even up by blowing him to orgasm, then sprint away to brush his teeth and get ready for class. “So we don’t need to start counting now. But I loved it. I love you.” Even put a lot of emphasis on the last part until Isak let out a small smile. 

“Love you.” Isak went to lean in for a kiss then bypassed Even and grabbed his honey instead. “Love this honey more.” Even’s eyes crinkled as he laughed. 

After toast, Even stayed sat at the kitchen table whilst Isak grabbed something from their room. Even was feeling much better rested today and under much less pressure now that he knew Isak was getting more help. He was probably ready to tackle his essay but was glad of the time out of class to re-calibrate himself. Isak returned and handed the object to Even. It was a crumpled business card with a worn down corner like Isak had rubbed his fingers over it, again and again, unsure whether to make the call. 

“You’re ready?” Even wasn’t sure why Isak was handing it to him, but it was a big enough clue to what Isak wanted to talk about. 

“I think I should do it today. I feel good today and I can’t imagine how hard this’ll be if I feel bad.” And that was the truth, whether comparable to the clouds of the previous days or not, Isak was feeling okay. He didn’t want to put this off forever, he wanted to get back into University life, but he couldn’t do that until he knew that his external examiner, and rapist, would not be allowed to return to campus. 

“That’s a good idea, baby.” Even tried to be encouraging. It seemed so soon, so sudden but Isak had been sitting on this for a while and he was ready. 

“I’m going to ring to see if I need to make an appointment or just drop by.” Isak took back the card and began typing the number into his mobile. The mobile which Even still hadn’t asked Isak about. “Do you think…you could come with me?” Isak’s face looked so vulnerable, so hopeful but also so guarded because Even could say no. Of course, Even would never let Isak do this alone but Isak still needed confirmation. 

“You don’t want Jonas?” Even didn’t ask to be cruel but to quieten the burgeoning insecurity he felt. Isak needed someone who would be strong and there for him and someone who could focus entirely on him. Even was sure he did that a lot of the time, but being in a small room making a police recording, Even didn’t want to mess this up. Plus, he couldn’t help but feel a little fear about police interviews. He’d been taken into custody on two occasions during manic episodes, and whilst it hadn’t taken the officers long to find out he was bipolar and contact his parents, it was humiliating and not something he wanted to experience again. Jonas could be there with a clinical calmness. Isak would be fine with Jonas. 

“I want you.” Isak was confused why Even thought he would choose Jonas over Even, until he remembered that at one point he had. Isak didn’t have to make an apology to Even or anything but Isak felt like he would need to take a minute to prove to Even that he trusted him and that he wanted him. But that minute was not now. 

“Then let’s do this.” Even took Isak’s hand and held it as Isak rang the police liaison. He felt his hand tremble as the dial tone went on too long; then a loud and welcoming voice answered. He set the appointment for this afternoon, gave a lopsided smile full of nerves to Even and began typing out an email to Lana to keep her updated. He didn’t want her there, Even was enough but she’d probably be contacted by the liaison at some point. It was after he hit send that Isak grasped he didn’t have a clue what he was getting himself into, what was going to happen or when. Only that it would be a long few months ahead.


	40. Hedwig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

The police station was built of cold red brick and stood out against the innocent greens of the park surrounding it. Even and Isak were sitting on a bench watching few people go in, and even fewer leave. They were early. Both nervous to get there with enough time so now they were waiting. Even thought it was probably okay for them to go in but Isak had said he would be there at two-thirty so at two-thirty would he feel ready to go in. 

Isak’s phone started blurting out the thumping bass of Troye Sivan’s latest song and made both boys jump. Isak dug it out from his pocket and was surprised to see that Magnus was ringing him. Isak answered the phone.

“Hi Magnus” Isak said for Even’s benefit. 

“Hey bro! How’s it going?” Magnus’s voice was lively and optimistic as always. 

“I’m…doing better, yeah.” There was no way Isak was telling Magnus he was at a police station, and even less likely to do so over the phone. 

“That’s great bro! I’m so relieved! We were so worried like-“ 

“Yeah, erm actually Mags I don’t have a lot of time.” 

“No worries. I just wanted to check if you and Even were up for coming to my show tonight?” Magnus seemed a little hesitant for him, he wasn’t pressuring Isak but didn’t sound too unhopeful either. Even could hear the conversation and threw his head back grimacing slightly. Both he and Isak had forgotten that Magnus was starring as Hedwig, the lead role in a one-man/woman show _Hedwig and the Angry Inch_ as part of his theatre group summer programme. Magnus had been so nervous about going for the role. It was large, vocally demanding and the boys had held many run-throughs of lines and wig changes in their lounge to convince Magnus to audition. The day he found out he got the role, he baked a large set of brownies (with an extra ingredient) to say thank you. It’d been almost a month of rehearsals and tonight was opening night. They’d all bought tickets, including all the girls and Linn and Eskild too weeks ago. Before all the shit went down. Isak had paused too long. “Bro it’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked, I know you’ve got a lot going on.” Magnus was resilient but couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed and Isak’s heart clenched tightly in his chest. Even put his hand on Isak’s shoulder. 

“We’ll be there.” Isak said definitively. Even tried to catch Isak’s gaze. He too had really been looking forward to watching Magnus on stage but this was a huge ask after the next few hours. Isak nodded to him so Even went for it. 

“We’ll be there!” Even called down the phone.

“I love you guys. It’ll be awesome. I promise.” Magnus was practically buzzing through the phone now. The adrenaline of opening night beginning to kick in. 

“You’ll be great. Listen, Mags we have to go. But we’ll be there.” Isak signed off and worried that he sounded a little fake. He wanted to go but was stressed. It was hours away, he’d be fine. He didn’t want to let Magnus down. Isak stared at Magnus’s photo on his contact card for a short while before locking his phone. He’d do this for Magnus. 

“Hey” Even took Isak’s hand. “We should head in, if you are ready?” Isak squeezed Even’s hand and pulled Even into a standing position. They walked across the park hand-in-hand but Isak dropped Even’s hand as soon as they entered the station. The door was heavy and the inside bustling with people heading in all directions. There was a reception desk protected by strong glass but Isak thought they should meet there. He cleared his throat as he approached the desk. _You are brave. You are safe._ Isak said to himself over and over. If he said it enough times, maybe he’d believe it. 

“I have a meeting with Eva Monet.” Isak’s voice drifted through the glass quietly. The police officer manning the desk’s eyes softened and Isak bristled. This officer knew what had happened to him now. He didn’t like that. 

“Isak Valtersen?” The office looked at a printed sheet of names and had a pen poised to cross him off the list. 

“Yes.” Isak replied trying to be as formal as possible. 

“And you are?” The officer turned to Even who looked more nervous than Isak so Isak answered for him. 

“Even Bech Naesheim. I need him.” There was absolute authority in Isak’s voice. Even wasn’t going anywhere. The officer scribbled down Even’s name next to Isak’s. 

“This way please.” The officer led Isak and Even past the reception desk to a much quieter part of the police station to where Eva Monet was waiting to take Isak’s statement.


	41. Statement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> really sorry that this is late, it wasn't meant to be and I really didn't want it to be   
> there will be a double update today   
> I've split this scene into two because it is intense

The interview room was more like Lana’s office with soft furnishings and a large window overlooking the park. Eva flicked a signed on the door to In Use and introduced Isak and Even to Karl, another police liaison who would sit in during the interview. Karl closed the door behind Isak and Even and Isak immediately wanted to run. He didn’t like closed doors anymore. Even could see the warning signs beginning to flash so went over towards Isak. He took his hands again and spoke to him quietly, so that Eva and Karl couldn’t hear. 

“One minute at a time, okay?” Even squeezed Isak’s hand and the fear left Isak’s eyes. He took the seat closer to the door and let Even let go of his hand. He was still sat close. 

“Are you comfortable to begin Isak?” Eva asked and set down a box of tissues next to a water bottle. Isak looked at the tissues skeptically. 

“I’m ready.” But Isak’s voice had lost all the confidence it had grown in the past few days. 

“Great. Anytime you need to stop, just let us know. Some of the questions that we’ll ask won’t be easy but we want to do everything we can to help you. But because of that we’ll need a lot of detail.” 

Isak bit his lip. How many times would he have to go through his story, justify what happened to him over and over and still be able to look whoever he was telling in the eye on his way out of the room. It hurt and Isak wasn’t going to let himself hurt anymore. 

“Let’s just do this.” Even’s expression was tight as he watched Isak. He couldn’t even tell you what colour tie Karl had on, or what colour trousers Eva had because all he cared about was Isak and making sure that Isak was doing as okay as he could be at any given moment. Eva pressed the start recording button on the tape. She stated who was present in the room, paused the tape to check the recording had been saved then looked up at Isak, Karl taking occasional notes into a small notebook. 

“Isak, could you tell us in as much detail about why you are here to make a statement.” It wasn’t a question, Isak was here to make a statement, he had to declare it. Isak took a deep breath then began to talk. He didn’t look at Eva or Karl but stared at a torn piece of tissue that was stuck under the corner of the tissue box. 

“I was raped.” Isak started. He waited but no one interrupted. “It was July 23. I was out with a friend, Jonas, in the city. We went to Starz. It’s a nightclub bar thing on West Avenue.” He paused again, not sure if he was saying the right things. Eva nodded at him encouragingly so he continued. “I lost Jonas somewhere in the crowd so I just waited by the bar. There was this man there, and he kept trying to talk to me. Kept telling me how great my hair was. How much he’d like to pull it, hold it. It was weird and I didn’t like him so I moved further along the bar but he followed me. He put a drink down next to me. Told me it was rum and coke and I don’t know why I took it but I thought he would leave me alone. He didn’t. I started to feel sick and dizzy and shaky. I wasn’t really aware of where I was or why. I couldn’t remember Jonas so the man took me outside. I didn’t want to go with him but I felt pretty weak and he was helping me stay upright. I don’t know how long we stood outside for but he led me towards and alleyway and I knew something was wrong so I tried to push him off so that he would leave but I couldn’t. He didn’t leave. I tried to hit him but I missed and he laughed at me. He picked up a broken umbrella from the floor. Just the metal part and he started hitting me with it. It hurt and I fell and he started kicking me.” 

Isak felt like he had been talking for hours. His throat hurt again and he could feel the man’s hands all over his body creating new bruises. He took a quick glance towards Even whose face was collapsed like clay but he wasn’t crying. Even looked at Isak with so much admiration that Isak felt the tears begin to well up. Isak couldn’t take his eyes from Even and he couldn’t talk anymore. 

“I’m here” Even mouthed to Isak. He wanted nothing more than to pull him in for a hug but Isak didn’t need that right now. He needed to get this done. 

“He kept shouting things at me. Called me a fag, said I was disgusting and other stuff. He pushed me down into the concrete and started to pull my trousers down. I figured out what he was trying to do and I tried so hard to throw him off but I couldn’t. He started touching me and reached inside my underwear and he put his fingers into me and I could feel his fingernails draw blood. I’m like crying at him, screaming no to him over and over so he stops for just a second. He presses his whole body weight down onto mine and he spits ‘Beg me’ into my ear. And I didn’t know what else to do. So I start begging him as much as I can. I tell him that I’ll suck him off. That I’m really good at it.” Isak’s face burns bright red in shame and he pushes angry tears away with the back of his hand. “He gets off me but I still can’t move. I’m just laying there. So he starts hitting me again and again until I get on my knees. I’m barely able to so he takes my wrists and pulls me upright. He puts his hands in my hair and pulls me forward until his cock is in my mouth and I’m choking on him. When he finished he pushed me backwards and slapped me. And I fell again and I don’t remember anything else until Jonas found me.” 

There is a heavy silence in the room. Eva and Karl were used to brutality but Isak in front of them had tried so hard to remain calm that you could see the agony leaking out of him. Even was devastated and was shaking with the urge to touch Isak and never let him go. Not that he could understand how Isak could bear to have anybody touch him anyway. Isak doesn’t like the silence. Doesn’t want everyone to think over and over about what he’s just said but he can’t open his mouth again. It feels weighted down and there is a slight urge to throw up again. 

“I think we should take a break.” Eva speaks for the room but Isak shakes his head. 

“I just want to be done,” he whispers. 

“Isak” Even starts but Isak takes his hand and squeezes it tightly. Isak gets to decide now.


	42. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> update 2/3 today

“That was really helpful. Thank you Isak.” Eva spoke, it seemed that her and Karl has decided between them that Karl would be more of an observer and play a small role in taking Isak’s statement. “I’m going to ask you some questions now. Again if you can be as detailed as possible, it’ll really help us.” Isak nodded. 

“I’ll try.” 

“Firstly, you’ve mentioned a man but not named him. Is the attacker known to you?” 

“I don’t know his name but he turned up in my Marine Biology practical exam. He has a beard, light brown hair, dark eyes and was taller than me. He is an external examiner and my lecturer and the Welfare team from University should be able to confirm who he is. I hadn’t seen him around Uni before the attack.”

“Okay.” Karl made more notes. “And did you go to the hospital on the night of the attack?”

“Jonas called an ambulance. I was seen by Dr Neiko. They completed a sexual assault assessment and they have the results and evidence at the lab. He was the one who told me to contact you.”

“We’ve worked with Dr Neiko on a number of occasions, if you sign some forms with us before you leave, it’ll let us go and take copies of your medical reports to add into the evidence file. 

“Okay.”

“Do you know if they took photographs of your injuries?” Eva asked and Isak’s heartbeat stopped. He’d pushed the photograph that had been sent to his phone to the back of his mind but now it was all he could think about. He had deleted the photograph though, and didn’t save the number it was sent from. It couldn’t be of any use to the police now. “Isak?” Eva prompted and Even realised which photograph Isak was thinking of. 

“They did.” Even’s heart started to beat faster. If Isak didn’t mention the photo he was sent Even would have to tell them himself. He couldn’t let important evidence be missed out when it could potentially help prosecute Isak’s attacker. 

“Okay, and have you had any further contact with the man you suspect attacked you? Did you talk to him when you saw him in class? Has he contacted you on Facebook?” This was a sign if ever Even had seen one but he needed to wait for Isak’s response. Even could see that Isak was thinking and his answer was slow. 

“No.” Even’s heart sank. He didn’t know why Isak wasn’t going to talk about the phone message, he only hoped that Isak would forgive him for bringing it up. 

“That’s not true.” Even began before Eva could ask another question that would leave Isak more and more withdrawn. “His attacker took photos of him during the attack and sent one to Isak’s phone afterwards.” Isak’s mouth dropped open and he began to panic. Even shouldn’t have known about that, how did Even know? Even turned towards Isak but continued speaking to Eva. “Isak’s phone is linked to his computer. When I logged in to watch a movie it was syncing and downloaded the photo to Isak’s computer.” Isak hadn’t known this. He thought the photo was gone. Now that he knew Even had seen it, he felt very sick. His stomach started to twist in on itself and Isak felt very lightheaded. He had never wanted Even to see him like that. He dropped eye contact and gripped the arms of the so chair tightly that his left wrist ached. 

“So you still have a copy of the photograph?” Eva asked Even.

“I think so.” Even answered because he was sure that Isak hadn’t found it yet. 

“Isak?” Eva needed confirmation. 

“I deleted it from my phone. I didn’t know it was on my laptop too.” Isak’s voice fell and was tight from anxiety. He reached out for the water bottle and tried to twist off the cap with trembling hands. Even took it from him, undid the bottle himself then passed it back. He rested his hands under the bottle in case Isak dropped it. Isak didn’t look at him but passed it back when he swallowed a couple of times and tried to shake his head clear. 

“We’ll need to run a scan on your phone and laptop if you can bring them in. Sometime in the next few days would be ideal.” Eva did her best to ignore the slight tension between Isak and Even and continued the questions that Isak never thought would end. Eventually they reached the final few questions. “And were you under the influence of any alcohol or drugs at the time of the attack?” Even glared at Eva. He didn’t like the question. 

“I’d had one or two drinks beforehand but I wasn’t drunk.” Isak answered.

“One or two?” Eva pursued and Isak stared her down. 

“Two.” Eva nodded. 

“And Even is your boyfriend is that correct? You are gay?” Her tone was light but Isak felt the heaviness of her question. 

“It wasn’t consensual. I didn’t want it.”

“Please could you answer the question for the tape.” Isak didn’t want to. It wasn’t any of their business how he identified but now it was going to be out there somewhere on public record and Isak didn’t want any of that. 

“Even is my boyfriend.” Isak answered finally and Eva accepted that as enough. Karl made a slight noise in the corner and Isak flinched. He knew his case suddenly seemed more challenging to prosecute in their eyes. “He’s the only one. I told the other man no.” There was an edge to Isak’s voice. It was laced in fear. 

“Thank you Isak. I think we have enough to pursue the case.” Isak didn’t feel very confident at Eva’s words. “Now we’ll get your medical records, then we’ll try to confirm the identity of the man to build a case.” 

“So I don’t do anything else?” Isak asked.

“For now, no. Just the laptop. But I’ll be in touch.” Karl stood, ready to show them out. Isak stood and wobbled a little. He felt drained. They had been there for over two hours and much longer than either Isak or Even anticipated but there were so many questions to be asked. They both hoped it would be enough. Even didn’t doubt that once they had the medical file, Eva and Karl would agree on the severity of the case. Isak couldn’t help but wonder if he was worth the effort. 

Even grabbed the water bottle from the table and made Isak stop at a vending machine on their way out so that he could get some sugar in him. There was little uncertainty that Isak was running on adrenaline and he was likely to crash. Even wanted to postpone that for as long as they could. Long enough that they could talk about the photograph first.


	43. Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> what magnus does is a normal part of Hedwig (an amazing show if you haven't seen I recommend Andrew Rannells)

Isak and Even made it back to their apartment before Isak was ready to crash into sleep. The walk back had been quiet but not apprehensive. Even knew Isak was exhausted and had memories he didn’t want to remember at the forefront of his mind. Isak knew Even was worried. Jonas greeted them at the door and could see the effort it had taken from both boys. 

“You should skip Magnus’s show. Honestly, he won’t mind if you explain.” Jonas ushered Even and Isak into their room and into bed. They needed to sleep it off. Even was ready to agree but it was down to Isak. 

“Wake us in two hours. We can’t let Mags down.” Isak groggily ordered Jonas, his eyes already shut and his breathing slowing. Jonas looked at Even with a worried expression but he shrugged his shoulders. They could decide in a couple of hours. “I don’t want to let Mags down.” Isak drawled before very quickly falling asleep. Even was bone tired but couldn’t sleep. His eyes ached but stayed open. He tried watching Isak for a bit but it made him feel sad rather than safe. In the end he took out his sketchbook and scribbled for a little while. 

Too soon, Jonas was knocking on their door and Isak jerked awake. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes a couple of times before looking over at Even to see if he was awake yet. Even hadn’t slept and Isak could see dark rings forming under his eyes. “Still want to go?” Isak asked Even because he couldn’t read the answer from his face. 

“If you want to.” Even replied. He knew Magnus would understand if they didn’t show. Magnus was always the one who put himself last and often this meant he was put last by others as well. Jonas waved some flowers, that he’d got for Magnus, at them from the hallway. 

“Get dressed. You’ve got fifteen before we leave.” Jonas chucked some packets of crisps onto the bed. He’d only remembered that they probably hadn’t eaten moments before he woke them, otherwise he’d have cooked something and woken them earlier. They didn’t have time now. Jonas had painted a glitter heart onto his cheek and was checking it over in the mirror as Isak and Even got ready. 

Madhi was already at the theatre and waiting for them to arrive. Magnus had reserved them front row seats and the crowd was loud and excitedly anticipating Magnus’s performance. Hedwig was a big emotional show with a great soundtrack and almost a cult like status. The cast was small, only Magnus playing the lead role and Becca who played Yitzhak and doubled as Magnus’s tech support on stage. There was a lot of pressure on them both to hold big personalities and keep the attention of the crowd. 

Even and Jonas had again exchanged nervous glances when Madhi led them to their seats. They were right at the front and it would be very difficult to leave if Isak, who was incredibly jumpy after the stress of the day, decided he couldn’t handle it. Isak too was nervous but felt a little better sandwiched between Even and Jonas and away from the crowd, some he recognised, others he didn’t. Isak didn’t have too much time to get nervous as quickly the lights were dimmed and the show began. Magnus was wild and played the rock and roll of Hedwig so well. Isak grinned madly when he first took to the stage in full make up, wig and heels. Magnus looked great and confidence exuded from him. Everyone cheered for him and he fed on the energy of the crowd. 

None of the boys had seen the show before and loved seeing Magnus throwing himself out there. Not too far into the show Magnus began to sing _Sugar Daddy_ and he stepped into the crowd with tassels, small mirrors and bells attached on a small skirt around his hips. He began climbing on the chairs of the audience who hollered loudly, outraged at Hedwig’s behaviour. Magnus was getting to the climax of the song when he made his way back to the front row. He jumped up onto Isak’s chair whilst singing “I’ll be more woman than a man like you can stand.” Magnus began thrusting into Isak’s face, just as he had done with a couple of others in the crowd. 

“Shit.” “Fuck.” Jonas and Even said simultaneously. Because Magnus didn’t know. Magnus had remembered all those years ago when Isak had said that he’d been a turn off and was using tonight as revenge, he’d show Isak how hot he could be. And all Isak could see was Magnus’s crotch and decorations from his skirt hitting Isak in the face again and again. 

“And if you’ve got some sugar for me, Sugar Daddy bring it home.” Magnus sung out, with his hands resting on the back of Isak’s head he stepped down and started making out with Isak. The crowd loved it and the moment was quick before Magnus jumped back on stage to hit a dance break in time. Neither, Even, Jonas, or Isak knew what to do. Isak was sat there hyperventilating as quietly as possible, frozen and waiting for his brain to catch up on what happened. Isak loved Magnus he really did but his brain was incapable of connecting what had just happened with Magnus and not with an alleyway. 

“Fuck!” Even spoke again, slightly louder and it caught Isak’s attention. He looked over at Even a little blankly. Isak’s arms had fallen from the armrest when Magnus jumped up so Even grabbed it hesitantly and held his hand tightly for the rest of the show. Jonas had been ready to leave with Isak the minute he moved but Isak hadn’t moved. He still smiled and laughed along with the show but Jonas could see it fail to reach his eyes each time. Jonas wrapped an arm around Isak’s chair, trying to give him as much comfort as possible whilst they watched the rest of the show. 

There was no intermission and soon Magnus and Becca were belting out the final notes of _Midnight Radio_ and the audience were either cheering or sniffing loudly. Magnus had been brilliant and all the boys were so proud of him. When the curtain finally fell, Jonas turned to Isak whilst both of them were still clapping. Isak’s was barely coordinated and his hands were tingling. He hadn’t been able to stop hyperventilating properly. 

“Let’s go Isak.” Jonas commanded. He’d know the minute Magnus climbed onto his seat that Isak was mid-panic attack and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Jonas tapped his forehead twice as Even sat forward. It was their secret sign for panic attacks, not that Even needed a signal. It was obvious to him as well that Isak wasn’t coping well with the crowd or Magnus choosing him for an impromptu make out session. 

Isak turned towards Jonas slowly like he wasn’t fully coherent. He was scared and now finally able to relax a little with the crowd distracted amongst themselves. He did the opposite of relax though, he began rasping and Jonas pulled him into a standing position and began pushing him towards the disabled bathroom. Jonas needed to get him out of the crowd before he really lost it. “I got him. Cover for us.” Jonas told Even who nodded. Jonas was the best at handling panic attacks out of all of them and Even was excited to see Magnus come back out. He’d been amazing, he really had. He began discussing in detail with Madhi just how great Magnus had been, whilst he kept looking over at the disabled bathroom waiting for Jonas and Isak to reappear.


	44. Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> huge amazing thank you for all of the positive feedback from the last few chapters   
> everytime i post something that is scary and intense I always get nervous but the encouragement keeps me going 
> 
> 40,000 words and 800 kudos and I don't even know where the story ends yet! <3

As soon as both Isak and Jonas were through the bathroom door, Jonas locked it. “I really don’t feel good Jone” Isak pleaded with Jonas who was propping him up on the bathroom back wall. Isak didn’t look very well at all, he was sweaty, shaking and he looked utterly exhausted. 

“I think we’ve got to ride this one out Isak.” Jonas replied, taking a good look at him. “Let’s sit back down.” Neither Isak nor Jonas sat elegantly, the floor seeming so far away. Isak rested his head back against the wall so his throat was as open as it could be, hoping it would help regulate his airflow. 

“He was so good.” Isak said sadly. He really didn’t want to ruin this for Magnus now, wanted nothing more than to be out there with the crowd congratulating him but his body didn’t give him that option. Isak thought back to how good Magnus had been and how he hadn’t ever seen him walk as confidently anytime else as he did in heels. He stopped hyperventilating as he got his brain to focus on Magnus and his favourite moments from the show. Jonas was watching him closely, and was waiting to see if Isak would spiral back into hyperventilation again. “I didn’t want to ruin it.” Isak looked pointedly at Jonas. Isak looked so vulnerable in moments like this, so young again. 

“You didn’t bro.” Jonas shuffled closer. “Can we hug?” He asked hesitantly, it wasn’t fun to shake violently against a brick wall or the floor. Sometimes his body wouldn’t stop shaking for a while and he’d end up with grazes or bruises after a particularly bad panic attack. Isak moved closer to Jonas so Jonas took this as an invitation. He threw his arm over Isak’s shoulder and pulled him down against his body but still giving him plenty of space if he wanted to move away. He could feel Isak’s trembling and occasionally violent shudder but it appeared that he was finally catching a break and the panic was settling. Not having the chance to eat probably hadn’t helped the situation either but Isak needed to talk to Lana about how to handle panic or he’d fall apart in the next few weeks. 

The bathroom was quiet and Isak was lost in his thoughts. “Why did he choose me?” Isak asked eventually with an exposed honesty that Jonas saw very rarely. Jonas didn’t answer because he couldn’t be sure if Isak was asking about Magnus or about the man he’d reported earlier that day. Isak tugged his sleeves down over his wrists, preferring to clench his hands and feel the sting of the blood returning to his fingertips than move them gently. “Do you think I give off like a sign or something? That I like -” Jonas wouldn’t let him finish that sentence. 

“No.” He hugged Isak a little snugger. “Magnus picked you tonight because he loves to wind you up and you told him way back in school that he was too desperate for you.” 

“I forgot about that.” Isak had forgotten about that. All he could think about when Magnus was kissing him was the alleyway, whether he’d chosen him because he was gay or whether he deserved it. He was realising, now on a cold bathroom floor that he didn’t. 

“The other man chose you because you were alone then. But you aren’t alone now.” Isak tucked his head into Jonas’s shoulder and nodded. He was beginning to feel better. Absolutely ready to head home or stop for a McDonalds on the way, but he wanted to go see Magnus and celebrate him. Forget everything else that was happening in his life for one more hour. Then he’d let Even cuddle away the stress of the day. One more hour. He could do this.


	45. Crowd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

By the time Isak and Jonas left the bathroom, a large part of the crowd had dispersed. He spotted Even still at the front of the stage and surrounded by their friends from Nissen. All the girls were there and talking loudly and Eskild was talking away from the group to Even. Isak knew they were talking about him. It was Sana who noticed Isak first and walked straight towards him. 

“Halla” She greeted Jonas as he continued past her, whilst Isak stopped to chat. He actually shared a class with Sana but because Isak’s attendance had been a bit patchy over the past few weeks he hadn’t seen her. 

“Hi Sana” Isak started, head lowered so that he could meet her gaze. He didn’t look great and he knew it but Sana wouldn’t be a jerk about it. Direct maybe, but not a jerk.

“Isak, what’s been going on with you?” Yeah like Isak thought not a jerk but she would definitely ask a question she wanted an answer to. 

“I’m chill Sana, it’s fine.” Isak brushed off. 

“You and Jonas just came out of a locked bathroom and Even doesn’t blink an eye. Were you smoking?” Something wasn’t right and she wanted to know. “Plus you’ve been skipping class.” She paused, not sure how much weight to give the rumour her lab partner had told her. “And I heard you ran out of the practical.” Isak shuffled, she was an observant scientist and he should’ve known he’d get nothing past her, especially with cancelling their study session when Sana was so convinced it was Isak who needed her help and not the other way around. 

“You’re right. Stuff has been going on.” Isak grumbled. He wasn’t going to get into it now but didn’t think it’d be disastrous if Sana knew a little about what happened. “Come over for tea tomorrow.” And if Sana was a little surprised about Isak inviting her for tea, then she covered it well. 

“That’ll be nice. We can study.” She said, maybe slighty pointedly. 

“That’d actually be great. I’m kinda behind.” Isak could feel somebody staring at him and he turned towards to group to figure out who it was. It was Eskild who was practically bouncing on his heels waiting for Isak to finish talking to Sana. 

“You’re always behind.” Sana teased but didn’t push it as she spotted the gloom in Isak’s face. 

“But I’ll still get better marks than you.” Isak forced himself to joke with Sana. He did enjoy her presence, it was always calming, but he wasn’t quite in the mood to worry about his grades. He waved at Eskild who took that as a signal to approach. 

“Sanaaa, Isakkkkk” Esklid elongated their names and open his arms wide but neither hugged him. Sana gave a quiet hello then excused herself to rejoin the girls who were taking selfies with Magnus who had just reappeared. “Isak,” Eskild started again when Sana had left. “Are you okay? I saw what happened little guy.” His voice was full of concern and he too had noticed when Jonas quickly escorted him as soon as the curtain dropped. 

“It’s not his fault. He didn’t know.” Isak watched Magnus as he beamed under everyone’s praise and celebration. 

“Then you know it’s not your fault either that you maybe freaked out, just a little bit.” Isak hung his head a little. Eskild wasn’t making fun of him but didn’t know how else to phrase it. 

“Did everyone see?” Isak worried that it had been too obvious when he and Jonas left. 

“No. No one else could tell. You’re okay.” 

“I’m okay.” Isak said a little weakly and Eskild could see just how tired he was now. “Let’s go see him, I don’t know for how much longer I can stay awake.” Eskild threw his arm around Isak’s shoulder and led him towards the crowd. Eskild did well to avoid the majority of the girls, Isak didn’t need to catch up with them now, he would see them at a part in the next few weeks for sure. 

“Congratulations Mags. You were amazing up there.” Isak said softly when Eskild dropped him off at the edge of Even and Magnus’s crowd. Magnus grinned widely and threw his head back to get his bangs out of his eyes. 

“You enjoyed my little show?” Magnus baited Isak. He didn’t pick up on the tense face of Even or the slightly unkempt one of Isak.

“You…” Isak couldn’t find the right words. “You took me by surprise.” Magnus looked like he was ready to pull Isak in for a hug so Even intervened and took Isak in his arms first. 

“Honestly Mags you were born for this.” Even gave Magnus one of their best bud fist-bumps. “I’m sorry that we won’t be able to join the after party. Isak still isn’t feeling great.” Even if Isak wanted to stay, Even wanted to take him home, he’d been through a lot that day and Isak had to put his welfare first before his brain crumbled under the pressure. 

“Yeah sorry bro but the painkillers are still affecting me a lot.” Isak spoke up, melting in Even’s arms. This wasn’t strictly true, he was much better adjusted to the painkillers but wanted more of them, was looking forward to disappearing into a blunt haze later that night to take the edge off. 

“No worries. Thank you for coming out.” Magnus was sincere and Even was ready to leave with Isak when Isak spoke quickly. 

“Come for tea tomorrow.”

“Err.” Magnus was a confused at the sudden invitation but got the sense he was missing something. “Sure bro.” He looked at Even to see if he would give him any clue but Even’s face remained innocent. 

“See you tomorrow then” Even said with a questioning tone. He didn’t know what Isak’s purpose was either. He gave a final fist bump, unable to untangle Isak from his arms in time and the boys left, sending Jonas a quick text to let him know they’d be home and that he should go to the party. When the cold air of outside hit Isak’s face, he let out a huge sigh of relief. He could let the mask slip from his face now he was alone with Even. He didn’t have to hide anymore.


	46. Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Even and Isak showered quickly then headed to bed. It wasn’t that late, with the runtime of the show being quite short but Isak was feeling too sick to eat and Even wanted to be close in case Isak needed anything. “Isak?” Even asked when they were both in bed, Isak curled up under the duvet, and Even flicking through an exhibition catalogue. “Can we talk about the photograph?” Even was nervous. Really nervous. He’d told the police something that Isak had purposely omitted but Isak hadn’t said anything to him about it. He hated the anticipation. 

Isak sighed. “Can we really not do this now.” He was feeling rough from the major panic attack he’d had and was embarrassed that he couldn’t even go to the theatre and enjoy Magnus’s show without something happening. Perhaps he’d never leave the flat again, people could come to him. He didn’t need to be social anymore. Even put down the catalogue and rolled over so that he was facing Isak who was staring at the ceiling. 

“We don’t have to, but I think maybe we should.” Even was calm, and calm Even always got to Isak. 

“I’m just so…” Isak couldn’t find the word. 

“Tired? Hurt? Angry?” Even tried to supply them for Isak.

“I’m scared Even. I’m fucking scared. I couldn’t even sit in a freaking theatre for a couple of hours watching one of my best friends give the best performance he’s ever given without some stupid switch in my brain flicking and freaking me the fuck out.” Now that Isak had started he couldn’t stop. “I’m scared the police won’t prosecute now they know I’m gay. I got scared walking home because it was getting dark and maybe he’d found out my address somehow. I’m scared that all of this is going to trigger an episode for you and I’ll not be good enough to help. I’m scared that photo is going to be leaked somehow and everyone will think I’m an easy whore. I’ve invited Sana and Magnus over tomorrow to tell them what shit is going down because I’m scared and I need their help if I’ve got any chance of passing this year. I’m so – I’m just - I’m so fucking scared.” Isak was breathing heavily from the exertion. Even thought carefully about what to say. 

“I’m scared too.” Even said and Isak turned his head, perplexity clear in his eyes. 

“What are you scared of?” Isak reached over and wrapped his hands in Even’s hair.

“I’m scared that you stop believing in yourself Isak. That one day all this shit that is happening now becomes too much and that you forget how many people love you.” Isak frowned. “And I’m alone because you aren’t there anymore.”

“Even” Isak could hear the fear in Even’s voice. He wasn’t worried about Isak leaving, he was worried about Isak committing suicide. Isak voice broke. “I won’t do that.” 

“I didn’t think I would ever try but-“ 

“Even, I’m okay. I promise.” He pressed a loving kiss to Even’s lips. “I feel like shit today but I’m going to be okay.” Even nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you or anyone about the photograph. I just didn’t know how to handle it.” 

“I didn’t want you to be sorry.” Even replied fast. “I wanted to say that I should’ve asked you about it before just bringing it up in the interview. I didn’t mean to blindside you but they needed to know. He can’t get away with it and that was important evidence.” That wasn’t what Isak was expecting Even to say. 

“How many people do you think will see it?” Isak was genuinely curious then remembered that Even had also seen it. “Did you…did you actually see it?” 

“As few people as possible, I’m sure.” Even finally pulled Isak into his arms again and he rested on his chest like they did so often. “I saw it. I didn’t know what it was and I closed it as soon as I realised what it was.” 

“Do you think you can tell I didn’t want it?” Even had never been surer of anything. 

“Yes Isak. It’s really obvious he hurt you.” Even hated that Isak had those doubts but Isak couldn’t help but worry that he wouldn’t be believed. He wasn’t sure where his insecurity came from but it was very much there. 

“Okay.” Isak said meekly then drew patterns on Even’s arms with the tips of his fingers. “I’m going to try and sleep now.” 

“We both should. Love you.” 

“I love you too.” Isak replied and rolled off of Even onto his own pillow. He recited chemical elements until his mind felt numb and he drifted asleep.


	47. Hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

When Jonas arrived back, late and tipsy, he checked in on Even and Isak and found them fast asleep. He shut their door quietly then headed to bed himself. It’d been a long day and he was feeling a little nauseous from second kebab Magnus had somehow convinced him was a good idea. To an outside observer the flat was quiet, almost peaceful, as the boys slept but no one could see the turmoil dreams bought to the boys. Swirls of dark red, grey and black haunted the flat, only for the sun that broke through the blinds to cut through it, and wipe the slate clean for a new day. 

Sana arrived at the flat at 11am. Even let her in, and graciously accepted the Moroccan bread Sana had brought with her for them to snack on during the day. Isak was in the lounge, staring at a large pile of textbook on the coffee table in front of him. Even had his laptop and notebooks stacked on the floor, next to the armchair. Even was going back to class on Monday, and whilst he didn’t have as much work to catch up on as Isak, it seemed a good idea to have a quiet day studying. He didn’t want to extend his essay deadline after all. Isak was going to see Lana on Monday and wanted to go back to class, he just wasn’t sure if his brain would let him yet. 

“Morning Isak,” Sana greeted and Isak waved then patted the sofa next to him. Luckily, he didn’t have to get up to greet her because Sana never hugged the boys. “You look a little better today.” Sana was nothing but honest. His eyes looked clear and his ability to focus seemed to have returned, he was less flushed than last night but still carried a wariness about him that Sana hadn’t encountered before. 

“Halla.” Isak smiled. “Is Even making you tea?” Sana smiled in return, knowing that Isak wasn’t allowed to make her tea after the whole hot tap debacle. 

“He is. So a study day?” Sana gestured to the mountain of books before Isak. 

“Yeah, I have a lot to get through if I want to pass this term.” Isak rubbed the back of his head nervously. 

“Did you want to start with the practical stuff?” Sana wasn’t actually sure if Isak had taken the practical but wasn’t sure where else to start. Isak took a book from the top of the pile, then put it back. 

“Actually, Magnus is coming over as well. I needed to talk to you both.” Sana was surprised that Magnus was invited too. It seemed a strange combination, just her, Magnus, and presumably Even. “About what’s been happening with me recently.” 

“Okay. Let’s just chill for now then.” Sana said easily as Even arrived with the tea. “You will never guess which of the girls has signed up to model for the life drawing class. It’s amazing!” 

“Vilde?” Even guessed and Sana shook her head. 

“Noora?” Isak ventured. 

“Chris!” 

“That’s great. I’m sure she will love it!” Even enthused. Isak hesitated. He couldn’t imagine wanting people to stare at him and judge his body while he just sat there naked. His thoughts were interrupted by Magnus arriving and the topic changed. Isak didn’t notice the confused glance Sana and Magnus shared as they greeted each other, both obviously being there at Isak’s request. It wasn’t unusual for them to socialise in larger groups but they had never just hung out together. 

After a little bit of small talk, Isak stood up awkwardly. He was going to tell them, get it over with so they could move on with their studying. When he began to pace, Even pulled him over to the side. 

“You don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.” He spoke in a hushed voice so that Sana and Magnus couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. 

“I need their help Even” Isak justified. “Just, if they go weird about it let me hide in the bathroom or something.” Isak turned back to Sana and Magnus. 

“Weird about what?” Magnus asked, clearly overhearing Isak. Isak huffed and shook the tension out from his arms. 

“Just hear him out first.” Even said with authority, that left Magnus looking between the occupants of the room. 

“Okay. Yeah just listen. You both know different things but I need both of your help and I only want to do this once so we are doing this now.” Isak rambled but neither Sana nor Magnus interrupted. “Sana, July 23rd I was attacked and hospitalised. Magnus, turns out the person who attacked me is an external examiner. He turned up in my biology practical. I couldn’t handle it so ran out.” Sana opened her mouth in shock, Isak hadn’t actually confirmed the rumour before today. Isak addressed them both. “Yesterday Even and I went to the police station and I reported it. The person… the man who attacked me he had err.” Isak looked to Even, he didn’t know how to phrase it but Even wasn’t going to say it for Isak, he couldn’t be sure that Isak hadn’t changed his mind. “There was a sexual motive for the attack.” Isak eventually explained and he could tell by the sorrow in Sana’s face that she understood. 

“He attacked you because you are hot?” Magnus frowned, he didn’t understand what Isak was saying. Even recovered quicker than Isak to answer. 

“No. It wasn’t Isak’s fault.” Magnus was looking at him baffled. 

“Yeah Even, obviously it isn’t Isak’s fault he’s hot.” Even wasn’t teasing, he just didn’t want Isak to get it in his head that the attack was his fault. 

“Magnus.” Isak interrupted before Even could start again. “He sexually assaulted me.”

“Oh shit bro. Sorry! I didn’t mean. I just didn’t put it together.” Magnus stood, arms twitching at his sides like he wanted to hug Isak but wasn’t sure if that was allowed anymore. 

“It’s okay.” Magnus approached him and Isak hovered closer to Even. “I just, I needed you to know because I’m still feeling bad and I’m so scared that I’ll not pass this term if I can’t get through class. And I know I don’t have every class with you both but maybe if we are on campus at the same time you can be around just in case and then maybe I’ll be able to do this because I’ve missed a lot now and I really need to go back on Monday.” Magnus had gone quiet. 

“Whatever you need Isak.” Sana spoke sincerely. “Honestly, I’ll help you catch up and you can always just sit or study with me and my lab partner when we’re there.” She smiled at him, then glanced over at Even. “Both of you. Let us know if you need anything. We want to help.” Sana looked purposely at Magnus who nodded hastily. 

“Mags?” Isak asked nervously because Magnus was quiet, and Magnus was rarely quiet. even couldn’t read Magnus’s expression either, and he worried for Isak who had done well to keep eye contact with both of them and not withdraw into himself until that moment. 

“Could you maybe give us a minute?” Magnus asked Sana who grabbed her phone from the table and wandered into the kitchen. She had no idea what Magnus wanted but Even was still there so Isak wasn’t alone. Magnus shifted on the spot nervously. “Did I – Last night, did I sexually assault you too?” His expression was wide open now and both Isak and Even were shocked at the obvious conflict there. 

“No.” Isak answered immediately. 

“I thought it was just the shock but I didn’t see how uncomfortable you were until I was back on stage. I’m so sorry Isak.” 

“Magnus stop.” Even comforted Magnus and wrapped his long arms around him. Isak smiled sadly at Magnus then joined the Magnus/Even hug. 

“Don’t ever think that. You didn’t know.” Isak reached over and took Magnus’s hand in his, they made eye contact somewhere over Even’s slumped shoulder. “But this is why I need your help. My brain isn’t reacting the same way to things right now. Do you think you can maybe be around if I need you too?” Magnus agreed instantly then pushed back from the hug. He changed his mind though, and pulled Even and Isak back into it. They’d never had a group hug before, and despite the unhappy circumstances, Magnus liked it a lot.


	48. Jamming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> this chapter is a bit of a break from all the drama and tension

Isak felt a little lighter after talking to Sana and Magnus. It was a little awkward at first, he could feel that they were looking at him differently, but they didn’t ask too many questions and they believed him. There hadn’t been any suggestion that Isak was wrong, had made it up or misinterpreted the night and Isak was grateful. Isak was also grateful for Even’s constant presence. He floated around but wasn’t overbearing. He sat at Isak’s feet with his own textbooks, or when he finished the draft of his essay began editing a film on his laptop. 

Magnus didn’t stay long, just long enough for Isak’s anxiety to dissipate and the teapot to run empty. Magnus gave a huge smile when he left, with a promise to keep his phone charged and on vibrate in case Isak needed him but he couldn’t hide how low he was feeling from Even. Magnus and Even had a special friendship. They had quickly and fiercely become friends and both were very perceptive to the other. Isak’s news had shocked Magnus and even though Isak had told him it was okay, he still couldn’t help but feel guilty about kissing him during the show last night. Even would text Magnus later that night and induct him into #ProtectIsakAtAllCosts so that he could have the support of the others. 

Soon enough, Sana forced Isak to put down the books. There was no point stressing himself out trying to cram too much in too soon. She ordered him to rest for the rest of the day and left to meet Yousef who was just finishing work at the nursery. Her eyes lingered on Isak longer than normal as she assessed him but she was sure he would be okay. There was great strength in Isak that would be difficult for him to lose. He might need to be forced into accepting help at times but Sana would be there and would keep a very close eye on Isak to get him through uni. Isak had told Sana at the start of the academic year that it was so important to him that he graduate. Neither of his parents had graduated and he wanted to be the first. 

After Sana left, Isak felt his head pulsing a little and went to lie down. He’d gone to take a couple of painkillers and found the bottle empty. It was a little disconcerting so he rummaged through Jonas’s first aid kit to find some paracetamol or ibuprofen instead. He took one of each then climbed into bed. The sheets smelled a little and he decided to wash them after he woke but for now he would let himself have a nap. This week would be exhausting enough as it was with going to class again, he needed to prepare himself so he couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilty about sleeping. 

Isak woke slowly in the late evening. He sniffed and whilst the sheets still smelt rough he thought he could smell melted cheese drifting in from the kitchen. He wrestled the duvet cover from the duvet and bundled the sheets in his arms. He dropped them by the door and found a half-eaten pizza still warm in the pizza box on the counter. He shoved a slice into his mouth and put the front door onto the latch. 

“I’m doing laundry” Isak called through to the living room where he could hear Jonas and Even strumming away on their guitars. They were out of tune and not playing in time but it somehow sounded calming to a boy who had been on edge for so long over the past few weeks. Isak took the stairs two at a time, keen to get back upstairs for more pizza. He huffed loudly when he turned on the landing and spotted a pillowcase he’d dropped a few stairs up. At the washing machine, Isak spun the dial to a random wash setting, he changed it every time, and poured in some washing powder and fabric softener from the communal stores. After double checking that the machine began to whir, Isak made his way back upstairs to the soft light of their flat where the music was louder. 

Isak grabbed another piece of pizza and poured some cola from a nearly flat bottle left out on the side. Isak could hear Even tapping on the base of his guitar and Jonas was freestyling over him, strumming occasionally. 

_I’m gonna take you to the streets_  
yo listen out for my beats  
I’m a killa in the sheets  
let me be your defeatERRRRR 

Isak rolled his eyes from the other side of the doorframe. The boys hadn’t spotted him yet. Despite them all living together, living room jamming sessions weren’t that common. It was even less common for Even to have a guitar, normally he was twirling his drumsticks through his fingers and drumming them on any free surface. Isak had threatened to throw them out the window once so Even had made him lie on the bed and kissed him all over, rolling the sticks over Isak’s body and making him shudder, so he’d let Even keep them for another day. But occasionally, when Jonas wanted to chill and rap a little he’d give Even his spare guitar and attempt to teach him some chords. 

Jonas spotted him first and he stopped his attempts at freestyling. Instead he started fingering his frets and gradually got quicker and quicker. Even didn’t even attempt it but strummed loudly the same note over and over. Isak stepped into the room and sat on the arm of the sofa. Even grinned widely and gestured to Jonas that it was his go to sing. Jonas shook his head but didn’t attempt to rap again. 

_Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone_

The tune was all wrong, but Even’s voice was deep and comforting. Isak hated Even’s cheesiness but a little part of him loved it too.  
_I’ll be waiting, all that’s left to do is run_  
Even stood up, still strumming on the guitar. He stopped in front of Isak, close enough that he was within kissing distance. Isak didn’t kiss him but ducked his head in embarrassment. 

_You’ll be my prince and I’ll be your prince too  
It’s a love story baby just say yes _

Jonas didn’t let him sing any further. “Neiiiii. Nope. Enough of that.” Isak turned to him and pouted. “Seriously.” Even laughed and put the guitar down so he could take Isak into his arms instead. 

“Good nap, Romeo?” Even teased. He kept sticking his neck out to try and kiss Isak but he kept dodging him. 

“Better if you’d been there.” Isak replied, kissed him once on the lips, long enough to taste pizza and Mentos. He once again pushed Even’s too long hair behind his ear and ran his hands up and down Even’s back. He felt warm and so safe in his arms. Jonas groaned behind them. They were getting soppy having been apart for shock horror, two hours. 

“I’d like to be excluded from this narrative.” He grumbled and left for the kitchen muttering about Taylor Swift. "I'm getting more pizza." At the sound of Isak and Even flirting between little kisses, he began beatboxing loudly to drown them out but he didn't have it in his heart to tease them any longer.


	49. Lars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> nearly at 50!

Sunday morning passed in much the same way Saturday did. The flat was quiet and whilst Isak was getting a little restless with Even and Jonas walking around him on eggshells, and suggesting that they all just stay in, he knew they had a lot of work to get through and it was better to get it done before the start of the new week. After a quick lunch of cold leftover pizza, Isak got changed into his work polo shirt. He’d been off sick for a while and wasn’t looking forward to having to explain to his boss why but he needed the money so he’d have to go back. So far, his boss had been understanding considering how little information Isak had given him but Isak knew he deserved a better answer, he just found it frustrating with how much his life had been affected. He’d do anything for just one day of normal again. 

Isak didn’t normally work with his boss, Lars, on Sundays but he’d purposely scheduled himself in so that he could catch up with Isak. He arrived early, which was a good sign and with a grateful smile on his face. 

“Hello” Isak greeted. He didn’t want to hang around and just have Lars stare at him so he threw his jacket into the back office and looked around for new stock to stack. He went to pick up a small box of law textbooks but it strained his ribs and the tender chest muscles that seemed to be taking a long time to heal. Isak stood up and rubbed over his ribs a couple of times. 

“Isak, it’s okay leave the box. Let’s just talk first.” Lars called from the front desk where he’d seen Isak pull up at trying to lift the box. Isak was one of his favourite student staff, always keen for extra shifts and very quick to pick up the role so when Isak had emailed in sick the first time, he hadn’t thought anything of it. But when Isak still didn’t make it into work, he began to worry. Isak might not be bruised any longer but he still carried an uneasiness to him that Lars had spotted the moment he arrived. 

“I just forgot, I’m fine to be back at work.” Isak justified but didn’t attempt to pick up the box again. 

“Forgot what exactly? I know you’ve been sick but I haven’t had any details.” Isak fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “I just want to know how to help, I don’t want you to disappear off in the final few weeks of term.” Isak liked Lars, he was pushy like Eskild but much calmer. He wasn’t much older than Isak but had a lot more life experience and was going to night school to study music therapy so he was naturally inclined to help those around him. 

“Yeah okay,” Isak leaned against the front desk. “So a couple of weeks ago I was attacked and hospitalised. I’m pretty much healed apart from my ribs, and my wrist.” Isak lifted his wrist brace into view, it was hidden under a bandanna that Even had wrapped around him that morning for good luck. 

“I’m so sorry to hear that Isak!” Lars frowned. “Did they catch who attacked you?” He titled his head and looked Isak up and down several times over. 

“It’s a little complicated but I think the police know who it was. I’m fine. I am. I just. It was a bit of a shock so it took me a while to recover.” 

“Sure, Isak. I can give you more time. Or split your shifts.” Isak was embarrassed at how much Lars wanted to help. “Just keep me updated.” 

“Okay.” Isak nodded gently.

“And no lifting boxes!” Lars proceeded to lift the box of textbooks and carry them to the law section where he’d let Isak rearrange the shelf but only a couple at a time. Most students already had, or were not yet desperate enough to buy their course books so the shop was only visited by a couple of first years all afternoon. Lars was a little reluctant to leave Isak alone to close but Isak convinced him he could handle it. They didn’t close late and he was relishing in what had been a normal afternoon so he pushed down the anxiety of being on campus alone, or potentially not alone, and began a quick stock check before cashing up. 

The bell rang out at the other side of the shop as someone walked in, moments before Isak was due to close. He span around quickly and felt his heart begin to race. “It’s not him” Isak muttered to himself, trying to convince himself he was fine. Isak couldn’t see who had walked in from where he was between two large bookshelves so he edged slowly towards the entrance. He picked up a heavy textbook on the way, thinking it’d be a good weapon. “It’s fine.” Isak berated himself for thinking the worst. He took a deep breath then spun out into the main area of the shop, almost falling directly into Even who reached out to catch him. Isak shrugged him off with a huff. “You scared me” Even held his hands up to apologise but was pleased to see Isak wasn’t terrified. He was a little grumpy but not truly frightened. 

“Hi” Even took the book from Isak then put it back on the shelf. It was in the wrong place so Isak fixed it then returned to the till to cash up. “Good shift?” Even asked and Isak knew it was. He was pleased that although Even had just scared him, he hadn’t panicked, hadn’t hyperventilated or attacked him with a heavy textbook. That had to be seen as progress.

“Yeah, it was.” Isak smiled and Even waited for him to finish up. 

“Good enough to come shopping with me now?” Even was curious. Isak hadn’t been out food shopping in forever, and Even didn’t want to push him too much. Isak took a while to think about it. He wasn’t exhausted, it had been a good day. 

“Sure, but can we pick up some pad thai?” Isak led Even out of the shop and locked the door behind them. There was a slight drizzle falling but Isak found it refreshing after the stuffiness of the bookshop. 

“Always.” Even slung his arms around Isak and they left campus. “I’ll cook it though.”


	50. Backup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> we made it to 50! yay! excitement!

On Monday, Isak woke late and felt himself rushing to get ready. He had a lot to do and hadn’t slept that well so was already dreading the day ahead. Even offered to drop off his phone and laptop at the police station so that Isak could get to the Welfare team on time and Isak eventually let him. He still hadn’t heard from the police whether they would be pursuing the case, or if they had contacted his attacker but he hoped they would decide soon. Jonas didn’t like Isak being without a phone so had given him his spare flip phone that he kept for emergencies. Isak kept flipping the screen open and closed in a nervous habit and kept it held tightly inside his jacket pocket. Today was also the day of his Marine Biology lecture and his lecturer had emailed to ask if they could meet after class. Isak knew he wanted to discuss the practical but he really didn’t know what to say, or what Lana might already have said. 

So Isak made his way to campus to Lana’s office, she was waiting for him but he was just about on time. Isak shrugged off his jacket and took a seat. It had been a while since he had been in her office and he grimaced as he remembered her home visit. 

“It’s great to see you Isak.” Lana started. She was happy to see Isak, not only out of his bedroom, but looking less fearful. 

“Hi Lana” Isak gave a small smile of his own. He wasn’t sure if he was meant to start talking but he needed answers otherwise he wasn’t sure he could get through his lecture later. “Is…Did you get…Is that man still allowed on campus?” Isak bit his lip heavily and a slight desperation was clear in his eyes. 

“I have spoken to your lecturer and currently, he has been removed from the approved list of external visitors. Now campus is surrounded by open public space so it is very important that we coordinate with the police here to ensure that he is not a security risk.”

“So he could still be here?” Isak was disappointed but not shocked, he wasn’t sure what Lana would be able to do without evidence that Isak hadn’t given her. 

“If he was a staff member here, the security team would be more reluctant to rescind his access, however, I have told them that he is involved in an ongoing police investigation against one of our students and that at this point I regard him as a threat to campus.” Lana paused, making sure Isak was following. “He’s reportable. If he is spotted on campus by you, one of the estate patrol teams, the Welfare team, or your lecturer then he will be escorted off campus immediately.”

“Okay” Isak understood, he would have to keep an eye out. He was nervous that now the man knew he was a student but hoped that the police would be able to arrest him soon. Isak didn’t look comfortable but Lana wasn’t sure he would run home either. 

“Have you visited the police yet, or is that something you’d like to pursue together?” Isak was beginning to feel like this was an interrogation too. Both he and Lana had so many questions. 

“I made a statement on Friday. I haven’t had any updates yet. They hadn’t seen my medical file but I’m not sure they will pursue it because I’m with Even.” Isak grumbled, he was angry about how he’d left it with the police. He had been hurt and they should’ve seen that straight away. 

“Isak, they aren’t allowed to do that. Being gay does not mean you enjoy casual sex, nor that you consent to everybody that passes you. The police have a responsibility to investigate and I’m sure they will.” Isak didn’t reply. “Let’s just wait and see what they come back with but I think you going to the hospital was a very important step towards seeking prosecution.” 

“Yeah. They’ve taken my laptop and phone too. There was evidence.” This troubled Lana. 

“So you don’t have a phone when you are around campus?” She asked.

“No, I do. Jonas gave me his backup. And I’m working on Even’s so I shouldn’t fall behind.” Isak had spent many hours working over the weekend and was feeling less stressed about the impending final essay releases. 

“That’s good. Having communication tools should help you feel a little safer.” Isak wondered whether he believed this. He wasn’t terrified but he certainly didn’t feel relaxed walking around not knowing who was hiding in the bushes. He’d make sure that someone else was with him for the rest of the week. “So now that catch up is complete,” Lana settled into her chair reaching for her notebook, “how have you been since I saw you last?” Isak shifted. So much had happened in such a short amount of time. 

“Better, and worse.” Isak went for in the end. 

“Start with the better or the worse, you choose.” Lana prompted when Isak didn’t offer any more. 

“Better… I went back to work yesterday and Lars, my boss, was really great about all the time off I’ve had. So I’ll get some more money in and I can pay my bills which is good.” 

“That’s fantastic, where do you work?” It wasn’t mentioned in Isak’s file which she flicked through to make sure. 

“The campus bookshop.” Isak answered. “Even picked me up and he scared me at first but not too much so it was okay and we even went shopping so I’ve been out the house a lot and I feel a bit more normal.” Isak felt proud of himself and he blushed. “Also I told a couple more friends what happened to me.” Lana was surprised at this, Isak had seemed so fiercely private but he was opening up more than she expected. “I needed to but they weren’t weird so that’s good I guess.”

“I’m really pleased for you Isak. Having support from your friends will give you more options when you are feeling low.” Isak nodded. 

“Yeah, erm so the bad is that I’ve been having some really bad panic attacks and they aren’t stopping.” 

“Did you have panic attacks prior to the attack?” This wasn’t in Isak’s file either. He hadn’t supplied any diagnosis of mental health conditions in his assessment forms. 

“Like one or two growing up when my Mum was sick and when my Dad left but not this intense. Jonas has been helping me but I had one on Friday that was really bad and I felt so out of control.” Isak didn’t even like thinking about it, he felt his body begin to tingle and remember the feeling of his body shuddering and his gasping for breath. 

“Okay, well I think it is a perfectly normal reaction considering all the stress that your brain and body have been under. It’s very important that we think about some strategies that we can work on, since Jonas might not always be there.” Isak nodded. He’d had one in the shower that morning but hadn’t wanted Jonas to have to hold him half naked under the water so he’d just let it happen. 

“I want them to go away. It reminds me so much of how helpless I felt when I was hurt and couldn’t move and honestly, it’s freaking scary.” Isak surprised himself with how honest he was being with Lana but he needed help, and he was here so he might as well take it. 

“I get that. Okay, so think back to when you’ve had these panic attacks. Can you think of one specific thing that has triggered them, or maybe a couple of things? Take a minute now.” Isak didn’t need a minute. There had been several occasions when someone had touched him when he wasn’t paying attention or if he thought about what his attacker had said to him.

“When I think about the attack or someone touches me in a way that reminds me of him.” Lana nodded. ‘When I’m tired or if I feel that everyone is looking at me and that they know what he did.” 

“Part of fighting panic attacks is being more aware of yourself and your surroundings, so this week pay close attention to being tired, or hungry. If you feel one coming on, try to think about why it might be happening and if there is anything you can do to prevent it. Does that make sense?”

“So like go to bed?” Isak asks. 

“Potentially, or even just acknowledging with yourself ‘hey Isak I’m tired so I’m more likely to panic so this is an irrational reaction, everything’s good’.” Isak frowned. 

“But what if there is a reason to panic?’

“Give me an example.” 

“He’s there… or one of my friends kisses me and I’m not expecting it.” Lana could tell by the way Isak dropped his eyes that his very specific example had happened. 

“First, try your best to get out of danger. Second say ‘hey Isak this is a rational reaction to how I’m feeling right now, let’s get through this as best we can okay?” Isak thought about what Jonas had said to him.

“Like riding out a wave?” Lana nodded encouragingly. 

“Exactly. Panic attacks happen and yes they suck but they are your brain’s way of working through trauma.” Lana hesitated. “I do think it’d be worth bringing it up with your doctor if you are finding them affecting your daily life. Medication can help with the side effects and might give you a greater sense of control.” Isak didn’t know how to feel about medication, of course Even took it daily but he wasn’t sure it would work for him. He’d wait. Isak had to see the doctor about his wrist soon so he might bring it up, or hopefully they’d disappear and he wouldn’t need to.


	51. Understandable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenthoughtswagewar
> 
> say hi / send me things you'd like to see coming up <3<#

“But until medication happens, just talk to myself.” Isak looked at Lana to confirm he’d got the right idea. She smiled, he’d surely look a bit weirder talking to himself than he would struggling to breathe but he could give it a go. 

“We also have some support groups for anxiety that you can attend if you’d like to meet with other people suffering from similar symptoms.” Lana suggested, gesturing to a poster on the wall which held meeting times of various workshops and support groups. Isak wasn’t sure why but he didn’t want to meet up and talk about panic attacks, surely a room full of anxious people wouldn’t make him feel any better. He hesitated but decided to talk it through with Lana to see what she thought. 

“Actually I was thinking of finding one for rape survivors.” Isak wasn’t nervous about this, potentially nervous about who else he might meet in the group and recognise but he thought it’d be better than an anxiety group. 

“Okay, Isak. That sounds like a good idea. We have a monthly one on campus but if you’d rather go externally I can put you in touch with the outreach one at the hospital. The age range might be wider but oh – actually I think they also have a monthly LGBT session, but that might come from the local LGBT centre and not the hospital.” Isak was surprised at the number or services available. “Sorry, do you mind if I get back to you with the details? I should’ve done a bit more research.” Lana was embarrassed that she couldn’t give Isak all the correct information but Isak wasn’t bothered, he trusted Lana and she did know what she was talking about a lot of the time. 

“Yeah that’s fine, I want to go external I think. I don’t want many people to know here.” 

“That’s understandable sure. I’ll find out for you.” Isak unzipped his hoodie, he was getting hot. He’d been in Lana’s office for a while now and he didn’t like staying anywhere too long anymore but they couldn’t have too much more to talk through and he could leave for some fresh air. Lana poured him a glass of water as he fanned his face a little. “Do you want to take a break?” 

“I’m good, just a little hot.” Isak didn’t want to give into the need to leave the room so he looked for another distraction. “Do you have the yellow ball?” Lana rummaged in her desk then threw it across to him. 

“Right, we’ll wrap this up soon but finally we need to talk about your classes and the practical exam you missed.” Lana started clicking through on her laptop. She was searching her emails. Isak was very grateful he had the ball to throw so he didn’t have to maintain eye contact. Even had talked to him about the practical and told him that it wasn’t his fault but he was ashamed of how he’d reacted and how his class, and supposed friends had gossiped about him afterwards. 

“Other than the practical, I’m mostly caught up on classwork. I studied a lot this weekend.” Isak offered. 

“Okay, I’m glad to hear that. I hope you didn’t put too much pressure on yourself.” Isak went for the glass of water again and Lana was sure that Isak had overdone it. “How are you feeling about attending classes in general?” Lana had sent an email to Isak’s lecturers last week to inform them that he’d be out due to traumatic circumstances but she hadn’t cleared him for this week, and policy dictated that she encourage him to return. Isak sighed loudly. 

“I’m nervous but I’ve been nervous a lot recently so it’s a little difficult to separate the nerves of being me and being in class.” Isak was frustrated at himself. “I feel better knowing that he won’t be there but I am finding it difficult to be crowded. I don’t like it when I can’t see whose around me.” Lana nodded quickly. 

“Okay, but you want to go to class this week?” 

“I love being in class and I really can’t afford more time off. I’ll be there but I don’t think it’ll be easy.” 

“Right so where possible choose a seat with a clear exit path or in a less crowded part of the lecture theatre. The important thing here is that you try. You go to class and you can’t handle it, leave, email me and we’ll deal with it. But you can’t just stop turning up.”

“I want to go to class.” Isak was confident and hid his true fear from Lana. He was scared that he’d have a panic attack in front of the whole lecture theatre and no one would be around to help him. He’d be remembered as a freak and he’d draw way more attention to himself than he wanted. 

“Then we’ll get you there. You have ohh” Lana grimaced, checking Isak’s timetable “Marine Bio today. How are you feeling about that class specifically?” 

“Dr. Roberts has asked to see me afterwards.” That didn’t answer Lana’s question but it was clear enough Isak was dreading it. 

“He’s emailed me too. Probably wants to talk to you about the same thing.” Lana didn’t seem to offer an explanation and Isak didn’t like the anticipation. 

“Did he believe me about the examiner?” He squeezed the ball tightly. 

“I didn’t name you as being involved but he quite obviously put the pieces together. He’s been nothing but supportive in my emails so far so I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You can take someone into your meeting though if that’d make you feel better.” This seemed like a very good idea to Isak. He’d liked Dr. Roberts but being shut in his office with him frightened Isak and he’d been on edge for so long. He’d see who was around, maybe Sana would have time after the lecture. 

“I’ll do that. I don’t like being around campus alone.” Isak threw the ball into Lana’s desk drawer, he could sense they were done. 

“To be honest Isak, until this man is arrested, I would very much suggest that you aren’t alone.” Lana was sincere and left Isak with a renewed sense to make sure the police were doing what they were meant to be doing.


	52. Bastard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Lana finished up with Isak but since he had about twenty minutes until his lecture he waited in the Welfare building before making his way to his lecture. Isak thought about texting Sana to see if she was already on campus but decided against it and waited it out in the waiting room. Isak arrived at the lecture a little early but Sana was there waiting outside. It was obvious that she was waiting for him. 

“Good morning” Sana was pulling out her notebook from her bag as she greeted Isak, her bag was overfilled so she dopped her pencil case. 

“Hey Sana” Isak replied as he handed her the pencil case she dropped. They didn’t always sit together in the lecture but would always say hi when they saw each other. Sana followed Isak into the room, since they were both early the room wasn’t full and Isak had plenty of choice to decide where to sit. He sat near the front, at the end of a row near the door and Sana didn’t question his choice. She sat next to him and wrote the date at the top of her page ready to take notes. 

“How are you today?” Sana asked pretty quietly but the room was empty enough that they didn’t have a risk of being overheard. 

“I’m okay thanks” Isak rattled off without giving it much thought. He stopped himself. “Actually I have a meeting with Dr. Roberts after this,“ Isak began taking out his own books and kept clicking his pen down. “I was wondering if you weren’t busy if you could come with me?” Sana covered Isak’s hand so he’d stop the incessant clicking. 

“Sure” she said easily. “I’m sure it won’t take long.” Isak didn’t know that Sana had purposely turned down an invite from Yousef to meet for coffee after their lecture to make sure that Isak was still okay. Isak gave a grateful smile and turned to face the projector. The room had filled quickly and Dr. Roberts was adjusting his microphone. They made brief eye contact and Isak felt his cheeks fill with blood. He must’ve looked so weird almost collapsing after their practical, it was really embarrassing. Dr. Roberts gave Isak a quick nod and then bought the room to attention. 

The lecture was interesting and Isak found himself occupied enough not to panic. There were a couple of moments when he felt someone cough behind him and their presence suddenly seemed too close, but he forced himself to take more detailed notes and just focus on the lecture. He found himself checking his watch several times to see if the lecture was nearly over but he was getting through it okay. When Dr. Roberts put up the week’s reading list, Sana heard Isak let out a loud sigh and the tension that had been really evident in his hunched over body melted. She rested her hand on his arm and gave a short nod and a wide smile. Isak nodded back, if a little shakily. He’d sat through a whole lecture for the first time in a while and if he could do one, he could do another so he wouldn’t let himself fail the year. 

“Where are you meeting Dr. Roberts?” Sana asked as she watched Dr. Roberts leave the lecture theatre. 

“His office. B327 right?” Isak thought back to the email he’d sent. Usually he would check on his phone but he had Jonas’s so he’d have to wander through the corridor to find the correct one, if Sana didn’t know. 

“I’m not sure on the number but I know which one it is.” Sana said and they made their way between buildings to Dr. Robert’s office. Isak stopped and stood still when he reached room B301 at the start of the corridor. It had been the room he’d had the practical in. The practical which he’d walked out of after seeing the man who raped him. He stared at the door and Sana frowned, unsure why Isak had stopped. “Isak?” Sana asked but he didn’t reply. Isak looked through the door but the lab was empty. 

“This was where he was.” Isak half-mumbled after a while. Sana raised her eyebrows then threw open the lab door.

“Empty. He isn’t here now.” Sana offered confidently but Isak didn’t step into the room. 

“Yeah” he said and nodded. He turned away not wanting to see somebody in the shadows who wasn’t there and Sana followed him down the corridor. 

Dr. Robert’s office door was open and he was waiting expectantly for Isak. He could see him approaching so called out his name so that Isak would find the correct room. Isak entered the room and Sana shut the door behind them greeting their lecturer. This made Isak a little uneasy but the alternative was to discuss the practical with the door wide open and anybody walking past could hear them. 

“I was very happy to see you back in class today, Isak.” Dr. Roberts began, because he didn’t know where else to start. Isak sat in the chair closest to the door, which meant that Sana had to walk past him to her seat but he was sure she wouldn’t mind. 

“It felt good to be back.” Isak said truthfully. 

“So I wanted to talk to you about the assessed practical.” Dr. Roberts stopped and looked over towards Sana. He stopped talking because he wasn’t sure Isak would want him to continue. Sana didn’t say anything but waited until Isak spoke. 

“It’s okay. Sana knows everything.” Isak said a little uneasily. 

“I’ve been in contact with Lana who is your advisor from what I understand?” Isak nodded. “And I thought it’d be easier if we talked about the options face to face. I also wanted to check in and make sure you weren’t falling too far behind because I can help if you need extra support with the course. You are one of the top students in the class and I didn’t want you to fall through the cracks because of this.” Isak was surprised at how nice Dr. Roberts was being. He was middle-aged and from an era when mental health was sacrificed for hard work. 

“I don’t know how much Lana has told you.” 

“Why don’t you fill me in a little and then we’ll discuss options.” Isak frowned. He didn’t want to have to explain this again, even if he was developing his own script. 

“Okay. A couple of weeks ago I was attacked and hospitalised. My attacker was the male external examiner in the assessed practical. It was the first time I’d seen him since the attack. He is being investigated by the police and hopefully charged soon.” Isak rattled off. The more he discussed it, the more distanced he felt from the attack. “I can’t be anywhere where he is, so if you are friends with him or if he’s here I can’t be.” Isak said with more passion than previously. He was overstepping, assuming that his lecturer was friends with his attacker but he had invited him after all. 

“I can assure you, I am not friendly or really know well the external examiners. They are pulled from a generic list. Lana and I have made sure that he has been removed and added onto the watch list for the security services here.” Dr. Roberts was saddened by Isak’s situation. He was a quiet but bright boy and had a great future ahead in research if he wanted to pursue it. “I saw…Isak I was there that day and I saw the way you reacted so I understand that this is serious and that there are probably many details you are skipping out on.” Dr. Roberts crossed his arms across his body. “I don’t need to know. This is your story to tell but if you need more help than you are letting on, let me know alright?” 

Isak was speechless. He hadn’t expected the level of support he’d received from everybody. He tried to thank Dr. Roberts but he couldn’t get the words out so he looked to Sana instead. 

“I’ll remind him.” Sana said warmly and Dr. Roberts smiled in return. 

“In terms of the practical. I’m happy for you to take it at the end of term when you are all healed up, or I can set you an additional essay and I can mark that instead. You don’t have to choose now, email me by the end of the week.” Eventually, Isak found his voice again. 

“Thank you,” he said. He wasn’t sure what he’d do about the practical but was grateful to have more time. Isak and Sana gathered their things to leave, hearing a knock at the door for the next student booked into Dr. Robert’s office hours. 

“No worries.” Dr. Roberts replied and picked up the clipboard of names to check who was next. Just as Isak put his hand on the door handle, he spoke again and Isak and Sana left with giant grins on their faces. “I hope they get the bastard, Isak. I really do.”


	53. Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

After they left Dr. Roberts’ office, Sana offered Isak the chance to study together in the library but Isak was a little tired and wanted to head home to Even. It rained the entire walk home and Isak couldn’t help but feel a niggle in the base of his spine. Something didn’t feel right but he wasn’t sure what it was. He checked Jonas’s phone on the way to see if anybody had messaged him but they hadn’t. 

It was nearly chucking it down by the time Isak arrived back at the flat. His jacket was dripping as he didn’t believe in carrying umbrellas. He shook the rain from himself and called out for Even.

“Ev I’m home” He shouted through the flat but there was no reply. Isak dropped his bag by the door but left his coat on. It was possible that Even had headphones on and couldn’t hear him but Isak felt uncomfortable and he couldn’t understand why. He walked into the flat guarded, and ready to leave. Isak turned into the kitchen and found Even crouched down by the fridge. His too long legs were tucked up into the small space around him and he hugged them to his chest. A shattered glass was spread wide throughout the kitchen and Isak panicked at first when he mistook cranberry juice for blood. “Even?” Isak asked with a deep frown on his face. Even looked up slowly at him, his eyes lost and Isak bit his cheek to stop him saying anything else. Even went to put his hand down on the ground but Isak rushed towards him and held them up. “Baby, there is glass everywhere. Just keep still for a minute.” 

Isak heard crunching as his weight shifted on the broken glass. Luckily he hadn’t taken his shoes off. Isak kept Even’s hands pulled in towards his chest and tipped his head foreward so that he could rest his forehead against Even’s. There was a haze in his eyes and a strong sadness in his crumpled form. Whatever had happened, Isak didn’t know what just yet, had triggered an episode. Isak watched Even’s eyes close in relief at Isak’s touch. He checked Even’s hands over which were luckily free from cuts and kissed each palm in turn. “Are you hurt anywhere?” Isak asked because he wasn’t sure how long Even had been like this and whether any glass had hit him when it fell. 

It took much longer for Even to respond than normal but he eventually shook his head. “Okay, baby. Let me move the glass then we’ll get you up.” Isak rubbed the back of Even’s palms and pressed a light kiss to his forehead when he stood. He took a dustpan and brush from under the kitchen sink and began sweeping the glass up. It didn’t matter that it was broken, it was cheap and replaceable. Even hadn’t made any effort to move but his legs relaxed a little so he wasn’t quite so squished. Isak stroked a hand through his hair and let out a short sigh. He hated seeing Even like this, so sad and alone in his head. “Are you ready to move Ev?” Isak prompted because he knew Even could hear him, even if he wasn’t paying attention. He was a little surprised to feel Even nod under his hand. Isak helped Even stand. Even was stooped so Isak was taller but he didn’t revel in his newfound height. Isak also noticed a small nick at the back of Even’s calf, it must’ve been cut on the glass and him not realise. It wasn’t deep enough to bleed much, and it didn’t look like there was any glass in there so he let it be for now. 

“Sleep” Even spoke, that one word taking an almighty effort. 

“I think that’s a great idea.” Isak kept his tone light and his body close to Even as he helped him into bed. Even’s arms, and legs, and head were heavy. The room was too bright and he was grateful that Jonas wasn’t in playing music, or that the traffic outside seemed calm today, or that Isak wasn’t curling up in his arms, his entire body a pressure against his. In that moment everything was too much and he needed a short moment of oblivion. Isak let Even roll himself into the blankets that would make him too hot in a couple of hours. He watched Even close his eyes and very soon his breathing settle into a rhythm that matched Isak’s heartbeat. 

Isak sat back against the headboard, and unzipped the raincoat he hadn’t removed. He took Jonas’s phone and texted him _Even is down, please be quiet when you come in today_ then took a few minutes to decide what to do next. Even had been depressed before, and Isak was always there for him. He could still be there for Even. He waited until he was sure that Even was asleep then returned to the kitchen to cook dinner. Even would barely eat it, but Isak and Jonas would need food and it was quicker if they could reheat it later. His phone beeped as he boiled the pasta water. _Of course. You want me to head home?_ Jonas replied. _We’re okay_ Isak texted quickly. Jonas has spent enough time looking after Isak the last few weeks, it was Isak’s turn now to look after Even.


	54. Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Even slept for almost the entire afternoon. Long enough for Isak to catch up on a few chores around the house. He was considering walking to the bottle bank, knowing that Even would only wake if Isak nudged him, when he heard a key turn in the door and Jonas walk through. The rain had obviously got worse because he was soaked through. Unlike Isak however, he believed in umbrellas and their role in society so shook it out in the corridor before closing the door. “Hey man” Jonas greeted Isak as he took some textbooks out from his rucksack and put them on the kitchen counter. His bag didn’t always survive the rain, so he wanted to make sure that they weren’t ruined. “How’s it going?” Jonas checked over the books. They were fine. 

“Alright.” Isak replied and transferred the bottles into a box that he’d take to the bottle bank when it stopped raining. He sighed. “Class was okay. I don’t know what happened with Even. I’m going to try and chat to him now.” Isak looked towards the bedroom.

“To be honest, it’s probably been a long time coming with everything that has happened to you.” Jonas suggested. Even and Isak were connected in a way that most people their age weren’t, if one of them moved, the other would move too. They could have whole conversations without opening their mouths and always put the other before themselves. 

“Yeah, it’s what I was worried about.” Isak opened the fridge door and showed Jonas the container of pasta he’d cooked up earlier. “I cooked for you, you can reheat whenever or I’ll do it at 7.”

“Thanks, dude. Do you want to hang out for a bit?” Jonas asked, but he knew Isak would want to check on Even first. Whenever Even was down, the boys tried to make sure that Isak wasn’t alone with him for too long. If necessary, they’d all take turns watching over him but Isak was the most vulnerable to Even’s sadness. 

“I’m going to try and see what’s going on in Even’s head but after, sure.” 

“How bad do you think it is? Do we need to set up watch times?” Jonas wondered. The last time Even had been depressed, he had been plagued with destructive thoughts. Thoughts that scared him enough to be unable to stand being alone. The boys rotated round and Isak made sure that the flat was still functioning. It was Magnus who eventually showed Even he was strong enough to fight the fearful thoughts off, and Jonas who had made sure that Isak still ate. 

“He wasn’t scared earlier but I’ll check. I don’t think it is as bad as last time.” The thing Isak found strange about the whole situation was that Even hadn’t texted him. Even had always texted him before when he felt the final strands of miserableness pulling at his heart. It wasn’t always possible when Even was hypomanic but when Even crashed, he didn’t like to be alone. 

Isak entered their bedroom to find it bathed in soft amber lighting, the curtains pulled tightly across the window. He layed down on the bed and listened to the patter of raindrops hit the windowsill. Even wasn’t fully asleep anymore but not quite awake either. “Hey baby” Isak rested his hands on the duvet near Even’s head. Even blinked awake and Isak was happy to see a little more awareness in his eyes than earlier. “You want to tell me what happened today?” Isak’s voice was quiet, monotone as to not overwhelm Even. Even opened his mouth to speak and winced slightly as his chapped lips pulled the skin apart roughly. Isak licked his own then pushed a gentle kiss to Even’s chapped lips. 

“Dropped glass.” Even mumbled. He scooted towards Isak a little but didn’t reach out to touch Isak. Isak searched Even’s eyes for more information. Even must have already been down for a smashed glass to send him spiraling but it didn’t look like he was ready to discuss it. Isak hummed and thought about pushing Even for more of an answer. 

“You want to get up for a bit? I made carbonara.” Isak decided against it. If this was a short period, Even would tell him more in the next few days, if not, Even would talk to his psychiatrist first. The decision was made for Even as his stomach rumbled loudly, despite him having no appetite. “Food then.” Isak teased and climbed off the bed to reheat the pasta. If Even didn’t make it out of bed by the time it was reheated, they’d have dinner in bed. He didn’t care but it was important that Even eat. And if Even ate, then Isak also remembered to eat.


	55. Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

“Jonas we’re eating now.” Isak called through the flat and Even winced at the volume. He made his way to the kitchen table and sunk into a chair, propping his head up with his hands. Even felt like he was swimming, not yet drowning but close. Colours didn’t seem right, they were too dull, and it seemed to take him ages to understand that Isak was talking to him. Even looked up to see Isak standing over him with a glass of water at the ready. “Have you taken your pills today?” Isak asked. Even hadn’t, he usually took them in the morning, or lunch if he forgot but in the rush to take Isak’s laptop to the police station he’d forgotten. He shook his head. Isak went to the bathroom to collect Even’s pills when he bumped into Jonas. They both muttered an apology, and Jonas let Isak pass. 

“Hi Even.” Jonas went to the pasta to give it a stir, he wasn’t expecting Even to answer but he heard a gentle ‘hello’ behind him. “You want us to do anything or get anything for you?” Jonas asked. They tried to give Even as much control as possible when he dropped and they’d been in this situation many times before. Even shook his head then changed his mind. 

“Maybe cookie dough.” He gave a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Cool dude, yeah we can do that.” Jonas smiled brighter. If Even was already out of bed and able to give opinions, both he and Isak would get through this okay. It wouldn’t necessarily be easy but they’d get there. 

Isak returned with a single pill of lithium and passed it over to Even. Neither Jonas nor Isak watched Even take the pill but began taking out plates and cutlery for dinner. Isak served Even a small bowl, one that he hoped was manageable. They sat and ate. Dinner was a quiet affair, normally they would talk about their days but neither Isak nor Even wanted to get into it particularly. It wasn’t awkward however, and Jonas filled the occasional silence with prep for his competition debate tomorrow night. 

Even didn’t eat the full bowl, but enough to sustain him for a short while. He could feel himself slumping over and wanted to get back to bed. Although he really should text his parents to let them know what was happening, as well as his Welfare advisor so he didn’t think he was skipping. He sighed at the thought of having so much to do and so little energy to do it. Isak titled his head. “What’s wrong? Whatever it is, let me do it.” Isak offered. He felt bad to say, but he was a little relieved that the attention had been off him and that neither Even nor Jonas had asked him about his lecture, and meeting with Lana. 

“It’s not your job to look after me.” Even looked down at his half-empty bowl and scowled. 

“It’s not my job to look after you.” Isak snorted. “It’s my job to make you feel loved and supported.” He said in a much more natural tone. Even searched Isak’s eyes for any doubt or confusion but he couldn’t find any. “So talk to us.” Isak took Even’s hand. “Please. What happened today?”

Jonas could see that Even wasn’t quite there, so he took the plates from the table and put them in the dishwasher, wrapping up Even’s so that he could finish it later if he wanted. Finally, Even uncurled himself from the table and took Isak into the lounge. He wasn’t adverse to touch any longer and had moved onto what he called his clingy phase. Forgetting that Isak might not be comfortable due to recent events, he pulled him close and tight to his chest. Jonas, not feeling unwelcome, joined them minutes later after grabbing some blankets from their laundry cupboard. The boys were always cold and Even was now wanting to snuggle. Isak adjusted slightly next to Even but didn’t ask to move, or for Even to let go. Jonas was about to set up Fifa when Even began talking.

“I took your laptop and phone to the police, this morning.” Isak nodded encouragingly, even though they all knew that. “Turns out they looked me up, or pulled my file or something. The officer who I gave the stuff to wanted to ask a few more questions and I didn’t know what about so I said it was fine.” Even couldn’t look Isak in the eyes, his heart sank and his head too heavy to lift up. Jonas and Isak shared a worried look but they still didn’t have enough information. “They wanted to ask me questions.” Even seemed to be struggling so Isak began stroking his back. “Like where I was on the night, and whether I’ve been taking my medication, whether I’ve had any other episodes recently.” Even’s voice began to break as tears welled in his eyes. “Why you didn’t call me at the hospital. Whether you’re scared of me. Whether I did it.” Isak couldn’t help but gasp and Jonas jumped up from his seat. 

“Bullshit.” Jonas cried, no wonder Even was devastated. Isak rested his head against Even’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say but he didn’t feel close enough to Even. He turned so that he was facing Even and pushed their foreheads together. He could see a few stray tears falling down Even’s face. Isak put his hands over Even’s ears to quieten Jonas’s frustration. He kissed the tears that had fallen, and held Even closely as he cried. 

“You never could.” Isak said, only quiet enough for Even to hear.


	56. Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Even and Isak stayed curled up on the couch for several hours whilst Jonas played FIFA. They hadn’t wanted to move and Jonas hadn’t wanted to leave them alone. It had taken a bit of balancing but Isak and Even both fitted laying down together on the sofa and Isak was sure Even would end up falling asleep, which meant that they would both end up sleeping on the sofa that night. 

After Jonas lost for the third match in a row, he called it a night and headed for his room. Even’s eyes were closed when he left and although he wasn’t sure that either boy was asleep, he was sure that they’d be okay. Underneath the blankets, Isak was stroking up and down Even’s chest rhythmically. It was as soothing for him as he hoped it was for Even. Jonas had turned off all the lights when he left so Isak couldn’t make out Even’s facial expression but could feel the strain in his body. 

“You awake?” Isak asked. He knew the answer but wanted to know if Even wanted to talk. 

“Hmmm” Even murmured. He wasn’t feeling so tightly wound as earlier, so on edge and ready to fall off the edge of the cliff as he had been after he smashed the glass, but Even still felt vulnerable and a little wobbly. 

“I’ve been thinking.” Isak’s voice was soft and surrounded Even. “I think I’m going to retract my statement.” If Even hadn’t had such a crappy day, he would’ve been better equipped for this conversation but we cannot all have good days when we need them and therefore he didn’t react in the way he wanted to. Isak stilled his hand on Even’s chest and gripped onto his own t-shirt. Even opened his eyes and blinked into the darkness. He could just about tell where Isak’s eyes were but couldn’t determine if they were open or closed. 

“Why?” Even wasn’t sure what had led Isak to this decision. 

“I –“ Isak began to speak but stopped. He gave a short sigh and breathed in and out through his nose a couple of time. “I don’t think this whole police thing is going to make me feel better. My brain is fucked and now it’s screwing with yours. It’ll drag out for months. I might have to go to trial. If it goes to trial, it’ll be in the news. I’ll have to tell my parents.” Isak reasoned and paused again, waiting to see if Even reacted. “And they haven’t got a clue, they should’ve never asked you those questions.” Even was surprised by this answer. Isak wanted to withdraw his statement because of him. It felt wrong and Even felt heat rise in his face. He didn’t want to ruin this for Isak but how could Even tell Isak it was okay when he’d come home to a broken glass and a ruined afternoon. A voice was screaming inside Even to tell Isak he was wrong, that he should fight, and that he should do this for himself and not stop because of Even. However, the calmer less taxing side told him that Isak could make his own decisions and that he deserved to choose over this. Isak was just about wondering if Even had fallen asleep after all when he finally spoke. 

“It’s my job to love you and to support you.” He thought back to what Isak had said to him earlier that night. Even knew he wasn’t giving Isak an answer but he was so tired and he couldn’t explain to Isak right then what he wanted to. Isak felt his hands unclench his t-shirt when he heard Even lift his arm from over the blanket and search for Isak. He wanted to hold him again, or be held. He just needed to feel Isak’s heartbeat and know he was okay either way. Isak found him and twisted them on the sofa so that Even was spooned in front of Isak, his heart hammering away against Even’s back. Isak’s breathing began to settle out and Even found himself begin to calm again. “Isak?” Even questioned with a gravelly voice that only arrived minutes from sleep.

“Yeah” Isak whispered, his eyelids drooping.

“I don’t think I’m having an episode.” Even’s voice was drawn out and slow but he wanted to tell Isak before he forgot. “I think, maybe I’ve just had a bad day. A really bad day.” 

“A really bad day.” Isak echoed, he couldn’t even keep his eyes open any longer. 

“Don’t worry about me baby. You can get through this if you want to.” 

“Fuck him. Fuck what he did to me. Fuck this sofa is uncomfortable.” Isak grumbled with his last iota of energy. 

“Fuck brain chemistry. Fuck stupid questions. Fuck it we’re still awake.” Even replied, his frustration clear even in whispers. “Let’s just go to bed.” Even rolled off the bed, taking Isak with him. 

“Fuck you!” Isak poked Even hard in the chest. “I was sleeping.”

“Soon, Isak, soon.” Even grabbed Isak by the hand and took a stunned Isak to bed. Both boys collapsed onto their mattress and Isak left consciousness wondering if Even was thinking of sex or sleep in his answer. That would be a question for another day.


	57. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> we hit 50,000 words and are so so close to 1000 kudos! 
> 
> I still appreciate all you readers now as much as I did at the very start - thank youuu!!!

Even woke on Tuesday to his alarm, shrill and unwanted. He searched for his phone on the dresser with his face shoved into his pillow and pressed the touchscreen several times before it shut off. He had class today, and knew he’d have to get up to make it to his lecture on time. The alarm hadn’t woken Isak so Even listened to him breathing heavily next to him for a while. Even thought over the events of the day before and a sinking feeling reappeared in his stomach. He’d hadn’t had much time to process how he was feeling but his head felt so much clearer than the day before and he was grateful for that. Even grabbed his phone and tapped onto his email app to message Nico. Even wasn’t worried enough to contact his doctor but he couldn’t deny that that the police questioning had thrown him and he wanted to see if Nico had time over the next few days to meet. 

Even had just sent the email when Isak shifted and began to wake up too. “Morning” his voice muffled from where his arm was slung over his face. 

“Morning” Even replied and Isak sat up quickly. He could hear the lighter tone in Even’s voice and he felt a pressure lift from his chest to know that today would surely be a better day. 

“Morning” Isak said again, his face split in a wide grin. 

“Morning?” Even teased and tilted his chin upwards for a kiss. Isak obliged then twisted over and straddled Even. He stared down at his face and searched Even’s eyes for any hint of hurt left from the day before. Isak caught a slight mist in Even’s eyes, moments before he lifted his hands and cupped them around Isak’s head smiling. His hands rested on the buzzcut that was growing out quickly. 

“Not there” Isak juddered under Even’s touch and Even quickly dropped his hands to Isak’s neck. He raised his eyebrows to check. “Neck is fine. Sorr-“ Isak tried to apologise but Even cut him off quickly with another kiss. Isak relaxed into his touch and the boys began kissing more fiercely. Isak let his hands push over Even’s chest and stroke up and down his sides but he was still very aware of Even’s hands over him. Even ran his hands down Isak’s arms but he shook him off, Isak didn’t want to be touched right now. He took Even’s hands from his body and held them in his own, he pushed them up so they were above Even’s head and he kissed Even slowly until he groaned and began to wriggle under Isak’s pressure. Suddenly, their door thudded and Jonas called through it. 

“Boys, thirty minutes if you want to get to class!” Isak rolled off Even, who had been very hard underneath him. Isak heard Even curse Jonas under his breath but knew they had to get up. 

“Shower?” Isak smirked. Even rolled out of bed and grabbed fresh towels on the way to the bathroom. They’d get to lazy mornings getting each other off again, Even knew it, but neither of them were there yet. 

Jonas was waiting for Isak and Even and chucked breakfast bars at them on their way out the door. It had been a while since they had all walked to campus together but Jonas wanted to check in with both Even and Isak to see where they were at. It was a windy day but bright and Even squinted as he stepped off their porch. He was still a little sensitive to his surroundings so he kept his head down. 

“So I got a phone call this morning.” Jonas started as he fought the stiff door to shut fully. 

“Wow, dude you are so popular!” Isak shoved Jonas and his snapback fell to the ground. Jonas rolled his eyes and picked it up and gave Isak a shove back. 

“It was the police.” Isak didn’t move from where Jonas had shoved him. “They wanted me to go in and make a statement but I have the competition debate tonight so I told them I’d go in tomorrow.” Jonas looked between Even and Isak who were staring at each other. There was an awkward tension between them and Jonas had no idea why. “What am I missing here?” 

Isak started walking again, not exactly ignoring what Jonas had said, but not wanting to discuss it all now. “Err Isak?” Jonas frowned and jogged to catch up with him. 

“Just leave it. Just focus on your debate tonight. 6.30 right?” Isak brushed him off. It was clear to Even that Isak didn’t want to talk about it, so he didn’t say anything. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting you to be there, it’s fine.” Jonas hadn’t even thought to invite Isak and Even after the stress of Magnus’s show the week before. 

“I want to be there.” Isak lied and he flipped up his hood to protect him from the wind. 

“Okay.” Jonas answered uneasily but let things be. He exchanged one final confused look with Even who gave nothing away, then the boys continued onto campus and to their respective lectures. By the time Isak took his seat he was almost vibrating with stress. He left and took a couple of moments to himself outside before returning, just before the lecture started. He took a couple of deep breaths, held his mechanical pencil tight and began transcribing the lecture. Only another forty-nine minutes to survive, Isak longed for the day he’d enjoy his lectures again.


	58. Cognition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> (Jonas isn't a baddie)

Isak was sat in the coffee shop on campus with Magnus ripping apart a panini. He’d decided to stay on campus and study in the library until Jonas’s debate, rather than go back home and have to get ready to go out again later. Even had been with him for most of the day, but he’d headed home when Magnus arrived totally exhausted. He considered going to Jonas’s debate and didn’t feel that great about the idea of Isak hanging around campus for so long, but Isak needed time to think and Even thought it’d be a good idea to give him some space. Plus the pulsing headache he’d developed suggested he’d better go home to avoid any further mood swings. 

It was a long day for Isak staying on campus all day but he’d been writing up his marine law module assessment and had managed to get a lot of work done. Magnus hadn’t seemed to have done much work in that time, other than text Vilde but he was good company and didn’t mind that Isak was quiet. Magnus had planned to go to the debate so Isak was relieved that he wouldn’t be totally alone.

They chugged down the coffee then pushed their books away deciding to get to the debate early. The lecture theatre wasn’t huge but had been rearranged so that the two debating teams were facing each other on the stage and that the judging panel had their backs to the audience. Jonas hadn’t spotted Isak nor Magnus yet but they saw him. He was dressed smartly, in a tweed blazer that would’ve looked weird on anybody else. He was shuffling notecards and talking to his teammates. 

“Jonass!” Magnus shouted impatiently and he started bounding over towards the stage. Jonas excused himself from his teammates then went over to Magnus and a trailing Isak. 

“Hi guys” Jonas said warmly. He looked calm and ready for the ahead debate, the opposition looking nervous and all in matching polo shirts. 

“You are looking fine! Are you ready?” Magnus brushed Jonas’s shoulders for invisible pieces of lint and Jonas nodded, tucking his notecards into his inside pocket. 

“We’re gonna smash it.” Jonas turned to Isak who was looking around the theatre to see who else had turned up so far. “Actually, Isak can I grab you a second?” Isak scowled but let Jonas pull him off to the side and far enough so that Magnus couldn’t hear. “Dude, what are you doing here? I told you to give it a miss.” 

“I can’t just stop doing thing Jonas. I wanted to be here.” Isak reasoned. He wasn’t feeling as nervous as he had before Magnus’s show, he’d be fine. 

“No, I’m serious. Do you even what we’re debating tonight?” Jonas asked. Isak didn’t know, he had had a lot on his mind the last couple of days and hadn’t really been listening to Jonas when he discussed it, or couldn’t even remember if Jonas had discussed it. 

“Erm, you mentioned it I think…like political ideologies being taught in schools or something right?” Isak didn’t understand why it was important. He wasn’t that into the debates but he enjoyed watching Jonas compete. 

“That was last month.” Jonas sighed. Isak clearly didn’t know and this could only mean trouble. 

“Chill, I’ll pay attention.” Isak went to re-join Magnus but Jonas pulled him back again. He made sure that Isak was facing him and paying attention when he spoke again. 

“Isak, we’re debating whether alcohol affects the ability to consent.” Jonas said gently, his eyes imploring for Isak to grasp what he was saying. 

“Like consent to sex?” Jonas nodded uncomfortably. 

“Yeah, dude. Whether alcohol intake differs person to person in cognition and ability to consent or whether standard blood alcohol levels should apply.” Isak threw his head back and shook his arms from Jonas’s grip. 

“What the fuck, which side are you on?” Isak asked, full of anger and confusion. 

“You know that’s not how it works; our team randomly draws out position.” Magnus looked over at them, their voices picking up and drawing the attention of people around them. 

“But someone up there is going to say that because I drunk alcohol I deserved to get raped?” Isak’s voice was brutal and he shot daggers at Jonas. 

“No, not that I know of.” Jonas pleaded with Isak to explain. “The debate is specifically over the ability to consent but anyway, stop, your drink was spiked so it doesn’t apply. But this was what I worried about, I didn’t want you to be here and hear all of this.” Jonas was flustered and wanted Isak to understand so badly what the debate was about. 

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be here.” Isak said coldly. He pushed past Jonas, swung his backpack up so that it hit Jonas on the way past and left the theatre. Jonas wanted to go after him but didn’t feel like he was a person Isak wanted to be near. Magnus was left standing there, torn between going after Isak and staying to support Jonas. He called out to Isak but Isak kept walking. He walked straight past Vilde and Eva and carried on out into the street. He flipped up his hood, shoved headphones on and found some angry rap music that Jonas had on his phone. He walked quickly home, waiting for the anger boiling inside to disappear.


	59. Born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr:whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> there is more comfort coming soon, promise

Even jumped when the front door slammed shut. He wasn’t expecting Jonas or Isak home for another two hours and whoever had just walked in didn’t sound happy. Even couldn’t say he was surprised when he saw Isak tearing off his layers and throwing them into the corner by the door. 

“Hi?” Even stepped out from their bedroom, where he’d been wasting time on his laptop. Isak stood in the corridor, finally untangled from his scarf. He stared at Even for a couple of seconds before launching forward, grabbing him by the face and kissing him intently. 

“I want to fuck you.” Isak said with a harsh whisper that left Even reeling. 

“Err now?” Even asked. This was very sudden and Even wasn’t sure what was happening with Isak. 

“Now.” Isak pulled back so Even could see his face. “I just want to feel normal for one tiny moment.” Even wasn’t sure what to say. Isak was angry, and that often meant Isak was hurt. Even didn’t like Isak to feel hurt. 

“Let’s just take a minute, alright?” Even tucked Isak’s head under his own and held him tightly. “Let’s just breathe for one minute. Forget whatever is in your head and just breathe.” Isak shuffled under Even but took a deep stuttering breath. He closed his eyes and curled his hands into Even’s t-shirt. Even went to stroke his hair since this used to calm him down but Isak’s hair was out of bounds and he remembered just in time. Instead he counted for a whole minute then let Isak tug back from him. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” Even asked and Isak ducked his head scowling. 

“I’m done Even, I’m so fucking done with feeling like shit. I love you, I’m horny just can we just please have sex.” Isak explained. Even took Isak’s hand and took him into the bedroom. He needed time to think. Even didn’t want to deny Isak anything but knew something had set him off and didn’t know whether they should talk about it first. Isak attempted to take Even’s t-shirt off and when he didn’t lift his hands in time, he went for Even’s belt. 

“Isak, stop.” Isak jerked his hands away like he had been burnt. “Wait, I’m not saying no, I just want to talk to you.” Even needed to get through to Isak before anything further happened between them. Isak was too rushed and hurried for everything to be okay. 

“Even, I’m fine.” Isak was exasperated. “Honestly. You aren’t going to hurt me.” Isak took off his own shirt and wrapped his arms back around Even kissing him softly this time. 

“You want this? You really want to do this?” Even asked, one more time. 

“I want you.” Isak replied and Even relented and let Isak remove his shirt. They stripped down to their underwear and Isak shivered as Even ran his hands over Isak’s body. Isak rolled them over so that Even’s body was under Isak’s and they writhed together. They were both hard and horny and hormones began to take over.

“I’ve missed this.” Even panted into Isak’s neck as he sat up and reached over to the dresser for condoms and lube. Isak sat back on his heels and watched a small stream of sweat trail down Even’s face. “You ready?” Even asked as he threw condom packets and their bottle of lube on the bed next to them. Both boys were still in their underwear and it was uncomfortably sticking between them. 

“Yeah” Isak replied and put his hands on the waistband to pull his boxers down. Even looked the more nervous of the two. 

“I love you.” Even kissed Isak. “You can change your mind, okay? Just keep talking to me.” Even kissed Isak again. “I want this to feel good for you.” 

“I’m good” Isak sounded much more relaxed than before. “I’m going to make you feel good.” He reached around Even to stroke over his hole and Even groaned in return. “Condoms now.” He instructed and pulled his boxers down and flicked his legs so that they flew across the room. He helped Even do the same and watched as Even tore open two condoms packets. He rolled his own on first, then Isak’s. 

Isak gasped as Even rolled the condom on, Even touching his cock for the first time since. Even watched Isak’s face very carefully for any fear but he didn’t see any. Isak poured some lube into his hand and spread it across his fingers. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Even said as Isak stroked his perineum. It hadn’t taken much of Isak’s touch for Even to get rock hard and he was already ready to cum. Isak reached inside Even and started stretching him out. It had been a while since Even had bottomed but the burn felt good. Even arched his back, then reached out for Isak’s cock. He stroked him a couple of times, flicking underneath Isak’s head. “You were so born for this, Isak.” Even panted. 

Isak stilled immediately. _You were born to take my cock boy._ A distant voice echoed in his head and suddenly he couldn’t do this anymore. He took his hand from inside Even much quicker than he would’ve done if he hadn’t been panicking and Even’s breath hitched as the burn became sharper. It took a minute for his brain to catch up but Isak was already off the bed and searching through piles of clothes for something he could put on. “Isak!” Even’s voice was serious. Isak ignored him and pulled on a pair of joggers. Even climbed off the bed. “Isak, I’m sorry. Tell me what I did.” Even was worried, really worried. Isak shoved on a t-shirt and grabbed a hoodie as he headed for the door. Even tried to block his way but Isak was quicker. 

“I’m done Even. I’m fucking done.” Isak sounded broken. Even tried to block his way but Isak was quicker and soon he was forcing his feet into trainers. “I’m never going to feel normal again. I can’t do it anymore.” Even’s heart thudded against his ribcage. He didn’t think it was safe for Isak to leave. 

“Please, don’t go Isak. We can talk. Or just sit. I can call someone for you.” Isak shook his head and Even watched him wipe his eyes with his arm. Isak was going to leave and there was nothing Even could do to stop him. Even stepped forward slowly, careful not to spook an already spooked Isak. “You’re scaring me.” 

“I’m sorry.” Isak said as he opened the front door and let it swing shut behind him. Even wanted to run after him but he hadn’t had time to get dressed. 

“Isak! Isak!” Even shouted through the door as he sprinted back to the bedroom to grab his clothes. He took whatever was closest, not caring if it was his. Isak hadn’t taken anything with him, no phone, no keys, no wallet. Even grabbed all three, not knowing how long he’d be out and an extra coat for Isak who hadn’t taken anything. Even felt like it was his fault, he knew something had been wrong with Isak but he'd let him talk him into sex anyway. Even wasn't sure if he'd be able to forgive himself but he needed to find Isak, and find him now. He ran out onto the street but couldn’t see Isak anywhere. He was gone.


	60. Honey

Isak ran. He ran until all he could think about was the burn in his lungs and the bite of the wind whipping his cheeks. He wasn’t aiming for any direction in particular or even knew where he was but he couldn’t stop. Isak had heard Even call his name but didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want Even to hug him and tell him that everything would be alright. Even deserved someone who wasn’t so angry and hurt because all Isak could feel when his feet thudded against the pavement was the fury pulsing through his bloodstream. 

When he was lightheaded from the lack of oxygen, he doubled over and clutched whatever he could to stay mostly upright. It was a tree. He’d ended up at the edge of a park. It wasn’t empty and a crowd of teenagers drunk alcohol and played music through their phones in another corner. Isak leaned heavily against the tree before quickly thrashing his arm back and punching the bark. It splintered, some fell, some embedded itself against his knuckles. His mouth dropped open at the pain and it cleared some of the anger from his mind. He breathed heavily for a couple of moments before punching again and relishing in the sweet agony. Soon, he exhausted himself and he slumped down the splintered bark and let his head fall back to watch the canopy. He felt liquid on his cheeks and realised he was crying. Again. 

Even’s hands were shaking as he sent out a group text. He knew Magnus and Jonas were in the debate but it should be ending soon and he needed all the help he could get. _Isak is missing. If he shows up ring me._ Even had looked for Isak but he could be looking in the opposite direction for all he knew. He didn’t know who to ring or where to look but he couldn’t go home without Isak. He needed to hold him and tell him that everything would be alright. It had to be. 

Magnus was enjoying the debate but he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket several times. He casually pulled it out and held it in his lap. It was rude to play on his phone whilst the debate was happening, so he checked that nobody was watching him then unlocked the phone. “Shit” He said under his breath and stood up instantly. If Isak was missing, then he needed to go. Magnus locked eyes with Jonas who was staring at him. “Isak” Magnus mouthed and Jonas’s panicked face almost reflected Magnus’s. Magnus held his hand up in apology to the debater and the judging panel and then shimmied his way out between the rows as quickly as possible. His finger was already on Even’s number as he pressed _Call_ as soon as the door shut behind him. 

Jonas couldn’t leave the stage. His phone was in his bag, so he hadn’t seen nor felt the messages that Even had sent when Magnus stood up. He wasn’t sure what Magnus was doing until he mouthed “Isak” to him, and Jonas had a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was probably his fault for not telling Even or Isak himself, why he shouldn’t have come to the debate earlier. He checked his watch as his team captain approached the debate floor for closing arguments. Jonas was a little disappointed with his own performance, he knew it wasn’t his best but their team had solid logic and he was sure that they’d win. He wasn’t sure how quickly the panel would decide though, but he hoped soon so he could find out what was happening with Isak. 

Isak had been outside long enough for his eyes to adjust to the stars. He was cold and the ground wasn’t feeling so soft as it had when he’d first sat down. He should move, he really really should but he didn’t want to go home. Eventually, the throbbing in his hand got the better of him and he stood so that he could determine where he was. He wrapped his arms around himself to try and keep himself warmer. It didn’t work. 

Even had met Magnus at the bus stop. He still hadn’t found Isak and Magnus was just as worried. The debate had finished and Jonas had rung them to find out where they were and where they hadn’t looked. Magnus was doing a good job of keeping Even as calm as he could be, and although he wouldn’t say it, he hoped that Jonas would be the one to find Isak. 

Isak stumbled through the streets now, shattered and shivering. He’d recognised a street sign near the park and knew where he’d end up going. He crossed the streets to avoid people and felt like they did the same to avoid him. It was hard to see the house numbers in the dark but Isak spotted the painted blue door and he relaxed as he found the flat. He stepped up onto the porch and took a moment sheltering from the wind in the doorway. 

Even, Magnus, and Jonas were calling everyone that Isak knew to see if he’d turned up when Eskild rang. 

“Even have you got him? I’ve just seen the messages. I was in the bath.” Eskild rambled off quickly. He usually didn’t leave his phone but he’d put it on charge and watched Gilmore Girls on his iPad whilst he soaked. When he picked up the messages, he felt his skin tighten across his face. Even answered negatively and Eskild got dressed as quickly as he could. “I’ll join the search. Has he got his wallet? Can he travel?” He asked as he pocketed his keys and hurried down the hallway. He didn’t even leave time to explain to Linn where he was going and let the door slam shut behind him. He reached the front door to the building and slammed the door release button. Eskild ran out and slammed into another person on the porch. “Isak.” Eskild hung up the phone and took in the distraught boy before him. Isak ran into Eskild’s arms and sobbed into his coat. “It’s okay honey. I’ve got you.” Eskild forced the shivering boy into the building behind them. 

“I just can’t do it anymore Eskild. I can’t do it.” Isak spoke into Eskild’s chest and Eskild hugged him tighter. He kissed the top of Isak’s head and took off his own scarf to wrap around Isak. Eskild had saved Isak from a dark night many years ago, and it was time again for Isak to trust Eskild when he didn’t know where else to go. 

“I know honey. I know.”


	61. Eskild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> huge huge thank you for all the amazing comments on the last chapter 
> 
> I really appreciate them and will reply soon <3 
> 
> hope this one lives up to expectation

Eskild ushered a pliant Isak into the bathroom of the flat he’d once lived in. Isak was cold, and needed to warm up so Eskild turned on the shower, making sure that it wasn’t too hot and encouraged Isak under the spray. He let Isak pull the shower curtain across but proceeded to hand him various bottles of lavender scented lotions and shampoo. When Isak’s teeth stopped chattering, Eskild handed him a towel and took him to Eskild’s bedroom. Linn hadn’t moved from her bedroom and his other housemates weren’t home so they had the place to themselves. Eskild sat Isak at the end of his bed, and went to the kitchen to retrieve his first aid kit. He’d noticed blood and dirt in Isak’s knuckles and the swelling had started too. 

Isak sat on the end of Eskild’s bed with a large fluffy towel wrapped tightly around him. He knew he was warmer than being outside but he still felt chilled. Eskild placed the first aid kit next to him but ignored it and went to his wardrobe. He took out a long sleeve soft cotton t-shirt that Isak would find comfortable and found some yoga pants that would fit Isak. He knew Isak was feeling bad because he didn’t protest the yoga pants and turned away so that he could gather his thoughts whilst Isak changed. Eskild needed to tell Even that Isak was safe, he patted down his trousers looking for his phone but didn’t find it. He must’ve left it out by the door. As Isak changed, Eskild searched for his phone debating whether to text or ring Even. It would be harder to deny Even if he rang so he texted the same group chat so that all the boys would know he had Isak. _I have him. He’s safe and sleeping at mine tonight. Give us ninety minutes before you come over._ Eskild texted, silenced his phone then knocked gently on his bedroom door to see if Isak was finished changing. Isak opened the door feeling very self-conscious. 

“Can I get you any food? I’m going to make us some sugary drinks?” Eskild asked gently. Isak shook his head and stood awkwardly in the doorframe. He had visited, but he hadn’t lived at Eskild’s for many years and didn’t know what to do with himself. “Why don’t you get into my bed. You’re sleeping here tonight.” Eskild directed and Isak turned back to Eskild’s room and moved the towel from the bed to the back of Eskild’s chair. He didn’t want to impose on Eskild too much. 

Eskild quickly boiled the kettle and made two mugs of rich hot chocolate. He wasn’t sure if Isak was in shock but the sugar would be good for him and hopefully help him sleep. He looked like he needed it. Eskild carried the two mugs back into his bedroom and handed one to Isak who was propped up on his many pillows. “Be careful.” Eskild advised, then moved over to the other side of his bed. He watched as Isak took several sips of the drink then placed it down on the nightstand. His hand had been shaking where it was bruising. “Can I look at your hand?” Eskild grabbed the first aid kit and delved through it for anti-bacterial and bandages. 

“Yeah” Isak replied and he placed his hand in Eskild’s. Droplets of water fell from his wet hair and he brushed them away quickly. 

“Then I’ll dry your hair and then I want to talk to you, okay?” Eskild was bossy, he couldn’t help it but he felt like Isak needed direction. Isak nodded and winced as Eskild ran the anti-bacterial over his cut hand. Eskild didn’t need to be a paramedic to see that Isak had done this himself and he sighed at his self-destructive behavior, worried. 

“Does Even know I’m here?” Isak asked as Eskild wrapped his hand in the bandage. He didn’t want Even to be out there looking all night. 

“Yes, but they are giving us some time before coming over.” Eskild replied truthfully and Isak struggled to get his next question out.

“But I can still stay here tonight?” Eskild finished tying Isak’s hand and held it between his own. 

“Always.” A slight sense of relief crossed Isak’s face. “Now sit back, your hair is soaking.” Eskild took the towel and carefully dried Isak’s hair. It didn’t take long, since it was still much shorter and Isak relaxed more and more as Eskild massaged his head. When he was finished, he chucked the towel in his hamper and took another drink of hot chocolate, his eyebrows raised as he pointedly looked at Isak to do the same. Eskild waited until Isak was finished with the drink before speaking again. “Okay, now I want to tell you something and I want you to listen. Can you do that?” Isak frowned because Eskild had switched from guru mode to serious mode. He bit his lip and nodded again. Eskild took a deep breath before beginning, Isak listening intently. 

“When I was fifteen, and before I was confident and proud and sexy.” Isak normally would’ve rolled his eyes but he sensed something important was coming and didn’t want to ridicule Eskild. “I found myself in much the same situation that I found you in. I met a man. Much older and I thought wiser than me.” Eskild paused. “I was excited that somebody was paying me attention and I thought that because he was nice to me, he might one day love me. Things started out well and he’d take me to fancy restaurants and buy my favourite music and I told all of my friends at the time that I was happy and falling in love. I was wrong. I got busy with school and end of year exams and he wasn’t very pleased about me having less time for him. He started to get controlling, choosing what clothes I wore then telling me how ugly I was if I didn’t wear what he wanted. He’d text me at all times of day and make me take pictures to prove where I was and with who. I felt like he could never be happy with me, and I tried so hard to make him happy. So hard that he found it funny and humiliated me. He gave me rules, stupid embarrassing rules like when I met him at a restaurant I should have my legs spread for him, shit like that that was possessive and abusive and I was too over my head to know what to do.” Eskild hadn’t broken eye contact with Isak the entire time and Isak was holding his breath. Eskild had never told him this story before and it was obvious how much it still hurt him. He couldn’t imagine Eskild in this way, confused and insecure and not knowing how to face the world. “One day, I spoke back to him rudely or looked at him wrong or did something because he hit me. Right across the cheekbone and I carried that bruise around for the next week trying to get the courage to tell someone that enough was enough. Every single time someone asked me how I hurt my cheek I was so scared and embarrassed to answer that I lied. My English teacher didn’t believe the lie and asked me to stay after school. She set me some creative writing assignment that she promised not to read, I could write it just for myself but she thought it’d be a good idea. She didn’t read it but in the end I read it to her and she saved me from years or a lifetime of being hurt.” Isak felt like crying again and he leaned forward in a half-hug that he hoped would comfort Eskild. “So what I’m saying is that I know what it is like to hold this anger inside you. But if you don’t find a way it’s going to force you to self-destruct and then they win, Isak. The fucking manipulative asshole bastards win.” Eskild stopped talking and rearranged Isak so that they were hugging properly. Isak didn't know what to say to Eskild just yet so they stayed wrapped around each other until Isak fell asleep curled as small as possible on Eskild’s bed.


	62. Pins and Needles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> I think this hits 60,000 words now and I can see the end in sight! 
> 
> Don't worry it isn't that close, but I have a good outline in my head now so if there is anything you'd love to see let me know and I can work it in! 
> 
> Enjoy a little squad assemble moment. <3

Even texted Eskild to let him know they’d arrived. When Eskild opened the door, he wasn’t expecting to see Even, Jonas, and Magnus all carrying duvets, pillows and blankets. 

“Hi?” Eskild greeted awkwardly. “I said that Isak was sleeping here, not that you all needed to as well.” It didn’t sound harsh but Magnus handed over some of the blankets to Eskild. 

“Isak’s having panic attacks, or similar that provoke a fight or flight response. He seems to enjoy running and I didn’t want to give him the chance to run again tonight.” Jonas explained, taking back the blankets from Eskild and adding them to his own pile. 

“I didn’t want to leave Even.” Magnus continued. 

“And I’m not leaving Isak. Is he okay? Where is he?” Even looked around Eskild, hoping to see Isak. Eskild stepped out of the way so that they could all enter the flat.

“He’s sleeping.” Eskild guarded the door to his bedroom. “I don’t know what happened tonight but I don’t think you should wake him. You can stay-“

“All of us?” Magnus interjected. 

“All of you.” Eskild agreed. “But if he wakes up and asks you to leave, you’re gone.” The boys hummed in acknowledgement. Even was still feeling very on edge. He hadn’t seen Isak yet, and Eskild hadn’t really said that he was okay. 

“Please can I see him now? I need to know that he is safe.” Even pleaded with Eskild.

“Sure, just be quiet, and if you aren’t going to sleep now chuck your bedding in there then come out into the kitchen.” Eskild reluctantly opened the bedroom door. The boys crept in and all let out a sigh of relief at Isak being found. Magnus and Jonas started making up beds with roll mats and their pillows whilst Even walked over to Isak, Eskild watching him carefully. Jonas was making his bed right by the door. If Isak wanted to leave, he’d have to get through Jonas first. 

Rather than go to the bed, Even knelt beside it and rubbed his fingers over Isak’s cheek a couple of times. When he was sure that Isak wouldn’t wake, he pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Isak didn’t look peaceful but his face didn’t hold as much tension as when he had nightmares. Even whispered a short ‘love you’ to Isak just because he couldn’t bare Isak thinking that he didn’t. He would’ve loved to gently wake him, apologise, and then ask Isak what happened but he didn’t dare threaten Eskild’s wrath. Even pulled the duvet up higher, and tucked Isak into bed, knowing that it would be Eskild sleeping next to him tonight. He frowned when he noticed the bandage on Isak’s hand. 

“What happened to his hand?” Even asked Eskild, his voice louder and more panicked than he meant it to be. 

“Out. I think we all need to have a chat.” Eskild held the bedroom door open and waited until Magnus, Jonas, and reluctantly Even walked past him and into the kitchen. 

“Did he get hurt again?” Jonas asked, terrified that his biggest fear might come true. 

“He didn’t get hurt but he did hurt himself.” Eskild replied, as he pulled down a tin of biscuits and offered round some tea. “We need to start at the beginning.” Eskild looked to Even, who shook his head. 

“I’m not the beginning. Something had already happened when he got to mine, I just didn’t stop him in time.” Even looked down, and Magnus gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. Eskild looked to the other boys but it was Jonas who looked most nervous. 

“Jonas?” He asked and Jonas twisted his fingers in one of his curls. 

“Yeah, I think it’s me.” He drank the fruit juice trying to delay it a little. “I was debating tonight and he turned up. The topic was a little sensitive considering recent events but I didn’t put him off enough to not turn up. I think he wanted to prove to us that he could handle going out after the whole Magnus’s show situation.” Magnus blushed. He wasn’t sure it was something he would ever forgive himself for, even though he didn’t know the whole story at the time. 

“What was the topic?” Eskild was curious. 

“Whether alcohol affects the ability to consent.” Jonas supplied. “He was angry at me but I thought it’d be worse if he stayed. I’ve never seen him like that before, he was so cold towards me. I wanted to follow him out but it’s competition and a team event so I couldn’t just leave.” 

“I should’ve gone. I didn’t hear what you were talking about but I saw the look on his face when he left. Maybe if I’d got there sooner I could’ve talked to him.” Magnus sadly supplied. 

“He needed to be alone I think. Needed some time to think.” Eskild reassured Magnus. “Then Even you said he was missing?” Eskild turned to Even who had turned red. 

“Yeah. So Isak gets home. He’s wound up about something but I didn’t push it. He tells me he wants to have sex with me.” Even was glad he wasn’t looking at the boys to watch two sets of eyebrows raise, and one frown in confusion. “He’s rushing and I try to talk to him but he tells me he just wants to feel normal. And it’s been so long now.” Even feels guilty about this. “I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try but I don’t know. One minute he’s minutes away from being inside me then the next he’s hurrying to get dressed and he’s gone.” Even really didn’t want to give them any more details of his and Isak’s sex life, since Isak definitely wouldn’t appreciate it. “We searched for ages. Where did you find him?” Even asked Eskild. 

“On my doorstep. He showed up, bleeding from having punched something and absolutely freezing. I talked to him a little but he’s exhausted.” Eskild waved to the bedroom door. 

“Do you think I did something?” Even asked in a small voice. 

“Honestly, we haven’t talked about it. I don’t think he was ready but I think he needed tolet off some steam and he doesn’t seem to know how.” The flat was somber and Eskild didn’t like it. They were all concerned. “Have you all got classes tomorrow?” They all nodded. 

“I’d skip but I have a meeting with Nico that I can’t miss.” Even had already checked which classes he’d miss and how many he’d miss already. So much had happened that week that he didn’t think it was a good idea for him to miss his Welfare meeting too. 

“It’s okay. I want him for the day.” Eskild began thinking about what he and Isak could do the next day. They still had a lot he wanted to talk about and he really wanted to find a way to channel Isak’s anger healthily. Magnus yawned in the corner. “Then it’s late. Let’s go to bed. I’ll wake you early so you don’t miss class.

Once everyone had gotten changed and rinsed their mouths with mouthwash since they had forgotten their toothbrushes, they settled down on Eskild’s floor. Jonas was guarding the door, Magnus was stretched at the foot of Eskild’s bed, which held Isak and Eskild, and Even was down the side so that he could look up and see Isak’s face. Even was surprised that Isak hadn’t woken up but he must’ve been more tired than he had let on the past few days. They fell asleep at varying points but all thinking of Isak before they slept. Isak woke, too hot, in the early hours of the morning. He sat up and saw the bodies lying on Eskild’s floor. He must’ve scared them all for them to sleep on his floor. He felt so lucky to have friends like his. He took Even’s hand and held it tightly, pulling him closer to the bed. Even stirred but didn’t wake. Isak pressed a kiss to the back of Even’s hand and held it the rest of the night. When Even woke with pins and needles the next morning, he didn’t complain. Isak was safe and supported and that was all that mattered in that moment.


	63. Smudged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> so I received the most beautiful comment from Mi33ingMoment3 on the previous chapter that is better written than this story. i'd strongly encourage you to read it, not to stroke my ego but because it is really moving and inspirational and just so so perfect <3 
> 
> (I'll be replying to it tomorrow, when I can figure out a worthy enough reply)

Eskild was true to his word, and woke the boys early so that they could get to class. All the boys, much to Isak’s dismay. As Magnus and Jonas groaned whilst stretching out the aches a night on the floor will give anyone over the age of twelve, Even looked up to see Isak staring back at him. Eskild caught the two staring and ushered out Magnus and Jonas to give them a little privacy. 

“I’m so sorry.” Even blurted as soon as they were alone. He was sat crossed legged on the floor, blankets pooled underneath him. 

“What are you apologising for?” Isak asked, curious, and Even hesitated. 

“For whatever I did. For having sex with you when I could see something else was going on. For letting you get hurt.” Even waved his hand at Isak’s. 

“Stop.” Isak instructed and lifted his duvet so that Even could join him underneath it. Even scooted onto the bed and pulled Isak as close as he could whilst still being able to see his face. “I’m sorry.” Isak apologised, resting his hand over Even’s heart. “I wasn’t in the right headspace but rather than talk to you, I bulldozed you into trying to have sex with me then screwed it up.”

“Isak,” Even began, but Isak was having none of it. 

“And you didn’t get me hurt. My own lack of self-control has left me with a bit of a graze. A few days and it’ll heal up fine.” At least Isak hoped it would, it had been stupid of him to punch that tree when he’d just weaned himself off the painkillers and didn’t want to spend all his work money on over-the-counter pills. 

“Can I kiss you?” Even asked, wanting to erase the awkwardness still smudged between them. 

“If I can kiss you first.” Isak asked shyly. He didn’t think he could get away with leaving Even mid-sex without there being any resentment. Even grinned and let Isak kiss him. Isak tensed after a little while and pulled back. “Err Even.” Even watched him with wide eyes. “We’re in Eskild’s bed. This feels kinda wrong.” Isak screwed up his nose and Even laughed. 

“I don’t think he’d forgive us. I have to get up anyway, I’m meeting Nico.” Even wiped a lose eyelash from Isak’s face then got out of the bed. “Unless you need me to stay today?” Even turned back to Isak who was now sitting. He wasn’t sure if Isak wanted space from him but wanted to offer anyway. 

“You should go see Nico. So much shit has gone down this week. I haven’t forgotten how hard this week has been for you too,” Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s waist. “I promise I’ll make it up to you tonight.” Even smirked and Isak quickly continued embarrassed. “Not sex. I just thought like maybe we could have an evening of treats.” Even beamed. 

“That sounds great!” Even walked Isak to Eskild’s door but paused just before opening it. “But we should still talk about what happened yesterday, I don’t ever want you to feel that you have to run away from me again.” 

“We can talk. Just give me today to figure out what to say.” Isak was about to open the door to join the rest of the flat for breakfast when Even put his hand across the doorway to stop him. 

“Sure.” Isak turned back to Even who spoke in a very undemanding tone. “Just, we’re doing okay right? You and me. You think we are okay?” 

“We’re okay, and if you aren’t or I’m not, we are going to be.” Isak placed his hand over Even’s on the door and gave it a gentle squeeze. He wasn’t feeling the burning anger that he had the day before but could begin to feel the waves of sadness and self-hatred building up again. He hoped one of the boys would be free so that they could do something to distract him. Putting his brave face back on, Isak opened the door and greeted Magnus and Jonas in the kitchen with wild smiles, brushing off the events of last night. 

It was only once Even, Magnus, and Jonas had left with a promise that Isak would be home tonight for a movie night that Isak got the chance to talk to Eskild. “Hey, Eskild?” Isak tried to catch his attention whilst he wrestled with the coffee maker to pull the filter out. 

“If you want Nutella, you’ll have to raid Linn’s cupboard.” Eskild replied, still giving his attention to the coffee machine. Isak stopped eating his pancakes and went to stand against the counter. 

“Eskild.” He said more forcefully and Eskild stopped what he was doing. “I know I didn’t say it last night, but I love you.” Isak was shy to admit this and Eskild immediately clutched his chest, tears welling up in his eyes. “You’re really brave and –“ Eskild launched himself at Isak, so pleased that Isak had listened to him. 

“So are you Isak!” Eskild implored. 

“I want to be.” Isak admitted. “Do you think maybe you can help me today? Figure out how I can get this anger to disappear.” 

“I’ve already cleared my schedule.” Isak was so grateful for Eskild, being the parental figure his own life couldn’t give him. “But Isak, the anger won’t disappear. We need to find a way so that your energy is rearranged, and this anger you have fuels something else, like creativity or drive or resilience.” Eskild lost Isak but he nodded anyway. “Now, finish your pancakes baby gay we have a busy day ahead.” Eskild pushed him back to his chair and finally twisted free the filter. He brushed tears away from the corners of his eyes, and swore to remember this moment forever.


	64. Seasons of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello I'm back (nearly) 
> 
> I'm moving house and islands and everything is a bit crazy right now and I don't want to rush this story so updates won't be as frequent as before *tears* looking forward to getting back on schedule 
> 
> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Jonas didn’t have a lot of time before his first class so he only returned to the flat to collect his laptop, change his underwear and pick up the library books he needed to return before leaving again. Even and Magnus had meetings a little later so Even invited Magnus in for another cup of coffee, and he hoped the chance to chat. Magnus was looking forward to getting in the shower and changing his clothes from the night before but Magnus could clearly see how hopeful Even’s eyes were and he wanted to find out more about what had happened between him and Isak. 

“Hey, I have something I want you to listen to.” Magnus exclaimed as he pulled out his phone and headphones from his coat pocket. “I’m auditioning for the musical Rent this summer and I’ve been putting together an mp3 mix.” He tried to force the headphones into Even’s ears who squirmed away and inserted them himself instead. Magnus pressed play and turned the volume up so that Even could focus on nothing but Magnus’s voice. Even was surprised at how soulful Magnus’s voice sounded as he began singing _Seasons of Love._

_How about love?  
How about love?   
How about love?   
In daylights, in sunsets  
In midnights, in cups of coffee,   
In inches, in miles  
In laughter, in strife  
How about love?  
Measure in love  
Seasons of love. _

Even couldn’t quite explain why but a cold shiver thrummed through his body and he swallowed again and again a lump in his throat. Not only did Magnus sound really good but he was singing like it meant something. Magnus was trying to tell Even something but Even was too tired to decode the message. 

“What are you trying to say, Mags?” Even asked as he handed back the headphone and phone. He’d probably get Magnus to send him the file later, it really was beautifully arranged and he hadn’t heard the song before. 

“I’m saying that when you meet with Nico today, I really want you to use that time for yourself. We aren’t friends because you’re bipolar and my mum’s bipolar. We’re best buds because you are open and expressive and you don’t talk shit about me the same way the other guys do. Isak has had a really awful time lately, but it’s been shitty for you too.” Even wanted to hug Magnus but refrained. “I know you love Isak, and he loves you but sometimes bad things happen and it changes people. He might not be the same person you fell in love with.” 

“I’m not leaving him.” Even said calmly but forcefully. 

“And I don’t want you to. But you have to look out for yourself. I want to look out for you too.”

“Magnus, where is this coming from?” Even was confused. Magnus’s heart was in the right place, he was sure but he hadn’t even thought about leaving Isak. He couldn’t even begin to think about if them being apart was for the best. 

“Last night dude. Something happened, we don’t know what but Isak ran and it was almost like he broke you. We’re all out searching for him but we know this stuff affects you more. I think maybe you should go visit your parents or something. Remind yourself that you are strong yourself, not as Evak, but as individual people.” Even’s heart was racing. Magnus’s idea had niggled its way into the back of his mind and now he couldn’t push it out. 

“We’re okay.” Even whispered after a beat and Magnus could see Even was finished with their conversation. It probably wasn’t the best time for either of them, he just wanted to help. 

“Yeah, and it amazes me that you are. I just want you to think about whether ‘okay’ is alright with you. That film school scholarship is only open for a few more weeks and we haven’t even spoken about it for a month.” Magnus trailed off again, he didn’t want to overwhelm Even and they both had to get to campus. “Just talk to Nico. Please.” Even nodded and excused himself to his room to get changed. 

Even stopped just inside the door, going scarlet at the condom wrapper and lube twisted in the sheets. He scooped them both into the bin and picked out one of Isak’s t-shirts to wear. Magnus had given him a lot to think about, especially the scholarship window that he’d been prepping for all autumn. Even just hoped that Nico could help make some sense of it all. He threw a clean t-shirt at Magnus, one of his own this time, who hastily threw it over his head and began quizzing Even on his recording. He sounded great, and he knew it but wanted to know in detail what Even thought. They discussed it all the way until Even broke off to head to the Welfare Centre, and Magnus to the seminar rooms. The clouds creaking apart above them to let in some light.


	65. Interrupt

“Apologies Even, for overrunning. Take a seat, we’ll get started.” Nico showed Even into his office which smelled slightly acidic from a lick of fresh paint. 

“No worries” Even replied, Nico rarely overran so it must’ve been important. 

“You seem a little subdued again today, a lot on your mind?” Nico asked, opening the discussion straight away. Even took a minute to decide where to begin. 

“Honestly, I’m almost overwhelmed with how much has happened in the past week or so. Some nights I’m lying there trying to sleep and wondering how this is my life and why it all seems to be happening to me.” Even paused. “Or Isak.” Nico frowned. Even had had an eventful term but his current troubles didn’t seemed linked to his bipolar diagnosis, more a series of unfortunate events that weren’t likely to end. 

“You want to bring me up to speed?” Nico’s question was rhetorical and Even knew it. 

“I had a bad week. The police interviewed me and made the assumption that because I’m bipolar I’m a valid suspect in their investigation. They pulled my file and everything. Made me go through every shitty thing I did when I was young and undiagnosed and they asked if Isak and I had a volatile relationship, if Isak was scared of me, if I was his rapist.” Nico’s eyebrows shot upwards of his fringe. Even was unequivocally gentle and even though he’d never met Isak, by the way Even spoke of him he didn’t think he was consciously capable of hurting him. Nico let out a deep sigh. 

“I’m sorry Even I don’t know what to say.”

“Right? So then I get home. Everything hurts, I smash a totally insignificant glass but I can’t get up off the floor until Isak comes home. I just feel so guilty that the police are wasting their time on me and not the actual man Isak identified. Guilty that Isak’s considering withdrawing his statement. Guilty because Isak tried to have sex with me trying to prove to himself that he’s okay when he’s trying really hard to be but just isn’t there yet. And guilty because Magnus got the idea of me going home for a bit in my head but how can I possibly tell Isak without him thinking I’m rejecting him?” Even slumped back into the chair, his head resting in his hands. 

“Okay, Even.” Nico started nodding and patted Even on the knee giving them both a minute to think through what Even had said. “Firstly, if you need me to give a statement to the police I’m more than happy to do so. Secondly, you are carrying round a lot of guilt but none of it is your fault.” Even looked ready to argue so Nico continued. “If the police aren’t following the correct lines of investigation, whose fault is that?” 

“Their fault.”

“If Isak decides to withdraw his statement, whose decision will that be?” 

“Isak’s.” Even answers quickly. 

“If Isak wants to try something sexual, doesn’t like it so you both stop, are either of you to blame?” 

“No but he ran because of me.” 

“In cases of trauma, sometimes the brain rewires itself to react to situations in a new way. He probably found himself running before he had time to process his thoughts. Is brain chemistry your fault?” This was a loaded question and Even knew it so he shook his head softly. 

“Okay, and what if we find a way for you to discuss going home with Isak and he agrees that it is a good option, would you still feel guilty then?” 

“Maybe a little.” 

“Then that’s a lot less guilt than we started with.” Nico smiled. Even nodded and some of his fringe fell down onto his face. “I want to get into this but first uni stuff. You missed class this week. Are you still on top of things?” 

“It’s not easy but I’m fine. There is a lot I want to do but I won’t be missing any more classes if I can help it.” 

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m a little hesitant to approve any more time off, we might have to consider recording your lectures and having you attend them by distance for a few weeks if you think that’ll help but I don’t want you to lose your sense of structure. What are your thoughts?” 

“When I’m in class, all I am meant to think about for that hour is whatever they are talking about so I like being there. It’s just sometimes it’s a lot of effort to get into that classroom. I think…I think if I go home I’ll commute in for classes, have a totally normal time and refocus on studying.” Even didn’t convince himself or Nico. 

“I don’t want you to think that all of this otherlife stuff that’s happening isn’t important though. Your education is one thing but what’s been happening with you and Isak is going to have long-term consequences.” Nico was right, and Even pushed back his fringe. “Have you considered interrupting your studies officially?” 

“I don’t need to, I’ll catch up. I’m doing fine at the moment anway.” Even panicked. 

“It doesn’t have to be for very long, and I’m in no way enforcing it. You are in more than a good enough mental state to assess this but just have a think about it. You could take as much time as you need, go home, be with Isak, go on a research trip. Just take some time out from here and really give yourself a chance to catch up with everything.” Even was thinking loudly. “I’ll email you some information, give you a chance to read it over.” Nico offered. 

“Okay.” Even replied. He had even more to think about now. And a pulsing headache at the fringe of his mind.


	66. Pillow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello 
> 
> I have moved islands now and am mostly sorted so next week should be pretty much back to normal 
> 
> <3

On the other side of the city, Eskild was wrapping a too-long scarf around Isak’s neck. He didn’t want Isak to get sick and he’d noticed him sniffing quite a bit in the morning. Isak didn’t know where they were going, only that Eskild had some ideas of how to channel Isak’s anger and that he was willing to give it a try. 

“Okay, baby gay, do you have everything you need for a day of detox and relaxation?” Eskild asked as he pulled the door shut, giving Isak the sense it was a rhetorical question. 

“I have the bag you gave me yeah.” Eskild had instructed Isak not to look into the bag yet so he’d slung it over his shoulder but hadn’t looked in. 

“Great! Let’s go then.” Eskild said enthusiastically and took Isak’s hand, then pulled away quickly when Isak flinched. Eskild stopped. “Sorry, Isak.” Isak shook his head. “I wasn’t thinking.” Isak tried to reassure Eskild it was okay by nodding his head instead so Eskild took a deep breath and tried to shake it off.

“I’m fine.” Isak gave a small smile and headed off in a direction he hoped they were going. Eskild followed him. 

“Right so today, all I want to do is try to find some things that help you channel anger. There are classes and groups you can go to with professionals but I am not a professional, even though I’d be an amazing professional, so we will do something more fun instead.” Eskild pronounced every syllable in professional so that it rolled off his tongue and Isak thought it made him seem distinguished. “The typical tough boy activity is boxing but since you screwed up your hand that’s out and you’ve tried using sex so that’s out for the minute.” Eskild continued lecturing as they walked towards the city centre.   
The traffic was bad and the fumes from the cars kept tickling Isak’s throat. He pulled the scarf up higher and breathed in Eskild’s lavender detergent instead. 

“What if I don’t want to stop feeling angry?” Isak asked. 

“You don’t have to stop feeling angry. It’s okay to feel angry but you’ve got to find a way to deal with it. You can’t just let it form into some kind of tornado inside you because anger becomes bigger than anything else. You could be having the best day of your life and not even notice because you have this burning rage inside.” Eskild pointed towards a park and Isak took the hint to take the turning towards it. “Besides you might not actually be angry.” Isak frowned, he was pretty sure he was angry. “Overwhelmed? Grumpy? Frustrated? Probably all of those too. The human brain has more abilities than just angry, happy and sad.”

“Are you doing some sort of psyc class?” Isak probed. Eskild sounded like he knew what he was talking about rather than just someone with good advice. 

“Actually, if you must know. I’ve started working at a youth group for gay teens. Some evenings I run sessions, other I go to night school and learn new things.” Eskild seemed a little embarrassed by this and Isak couldn’t understand why. 

“That’s…that’s really good Eskild. Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because I started being your guru. And I didn’t want you to have to share me.” Eskild paused and opened the park gate. “It’s stupid.” He rolled his eyes but Isak was genuinely grinning. He was proud of Eskild. 

“It’s really cool Eskild. I think they’ll love you.” 

“They do. Now pick somewhere to sit.” Eskild threw his arms across the park, filled with statues. The park was pretty empty, it was pretty early in the day and most people were at work but Isak made sure to sit somewhere where he could see the gate, he didn’t want anyone sneaking up on him. Eskild took the bag from him and opened it, taking out a notebook. “Right today is about finding what works for you so whatever I ask just give it a try please.” Eskild pleaded and Isak scrutinized him, suddenly feeling skeptical. Eskild gave the notebook to Isak and dug through the bag to find a pen. “It’s amazing what a piece of paper and a pen can do. Especially if you know nobody will read it.” Eskild said pointedly. Isak looked at them blankly. “I’m setting a timer, five minutes. You will write continuously. About what happened to you. Five reasons why you are angry. How much you hate doing this. Anything until time is up.” 

“Er Erskild, I don’t know.” Isak stared Eskild down until he gave in and Eskild started the timer. 

“You don’t have to show me, I promise.” Eskild took out his own notebook, one that he had used many times and tried to stop checking to see if Isak had started writing yet. Isak twiddled the pen between his fingers for a while before you starting. Five minutes couldn’t be that long to do what Eskild asked. 

_I’m not sure that I am angry. Wait. I know I am angry, I just can’t decide if I am angrier at myself for blowing up and running and getting myself hurt again or if I’m angry at him. I think I’m probably angry at myself. I didn’t have any money or phone when I left Even and anything could’ve happened to me. I could’ve happened to me. That might be the scariest thing. I was so angry yesterday that I didn’t know what I’d do to myself. When I punched the stupid tree and the pain spread from my knuckles all the way up my arm I thought yeah this is good. Because all I needed to think about was how much that hurt, I didn’t need to worry about Even or Jonas or having them look at me like I’m so fragile again, I just thought about forcing my fingers into a fist and let the pain distract me. There was a second, just a second, but long enough that I wondered what would happen if I punched through the tree and it came toppling down onto me and I wondered if that’s what Even thinks about when he gets stuck in his head. If he walks down the street and sees the thousand ways he could die and maybe if I’ll start thinking like that too. Shit, I didn’t mean that. Eskild if you are reading this even though you promised, I’m not like that. I’m fine. I don’t want to die. I know that. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m all those other emotions you named but I’m not suicidal. I’m fine. Or maybe I’m not but who the hell is anway._

“Time’s up.” Eskild said gently as he noticed Isak staring at a non-blank page. Isak snapped the notebook shut and held it close to his chest. “I promised, Isak. You can keep it. Do you think it helped?” Isak thought about this. He had been distracted but now he just felt sad. There was so much he hadn’t had the chance to talk through yet, now that simply getting through the day had become a priority that he thought maybe the notebook would be a good idea to think through the things he hadn’t had the chance to yet. Or the things he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk through yet. Or just somewhere else to write his biology notes. 

“I’m not sure, I feel kinda sad now.” Isak replied honestly. 

“It might take you a while to decide what to write about. It’s a safe option though, for when things get too much to just sit in one place and wait it out, write it out.” Isak nodded, feeling guilty again. He had worried a lot of people when he ran. He’d keep the notebook for now and see if anything else came of it. 

“I didn’t hate it.” Isak offered and Eskild took that as a good sign. 

“We can work with that. Now lie down so you can see the sky.” Eskild flopped back and Isak rearranged himself so he was as comfy as he could be on the grass. 

“Even is a better pillow.” Isak grumbled and Eskild laughed. 

“Bring Even with you, if you like this one then.” Isak smiled to himself at the thought. “Now I like to start with my eyes closed but you can keep yours open. We are watching the clouds.”

“Cloud watching?” Isak double checked he had heard correctly. 

“Cloud watching. Pick one. Start small, start flimsy transparent thing.” Isak scanned the sky for a cloud. They weren’t full but a darker grey one picked his attention. It wasn’t fluffy but was leaving a grey trail across the brighter clouds as it moved. “Just watch it. Sometimes they form into bigger clouds, sometimes you’ll find another one that you like better. Sometimes it rains and you wish you’d bought a towel.” Eskild finished and the boys laid in silence, watching the clouds. 

Isak didn’t let himself think of anything but his cloud for a long time. It was when he back twitched he was reminded of the last time he was lying on the ground. 

“Eskild?” Isak began quietly, not wanting to disturb Eskild from his own cloud watching. He hummed in reply. “Can I tell you something?” Eskild hummed again. 

“I think the last time I laid down in the middle of nowhere someone was trying to rape me. And…” Isak wanted to continue but he needed some time to put together his thoughts. A little further away, Eskild was very tense. He hadn’t considered that this activity might not be soothing for Isak. “And I wanted to take back my statement from the police. Because I don’t think I can do it. And I’m scared for Even and me and-” Isak wiped surreptitiously a tear from his eyes. “And I’m just so tired but I think I have to do this. I have to go to trial and have my name in all the papers because there might have been someone before me and they could’ve had this same conversation but he got the chance to hurt me and I can’t give him the chance to hurt anyone else.” Isak swallowed loudly. 

“I can’t tell you whether withdrawing your statement is the right thing to do Isak. But you are brave, and safe. And you have lots of people who will be there for you.” Isak let himself feel the cool grass below him. He didn’t think about the alley or the past for any longer. He thought about the future, taking Even with him to be his pillow as they watched the clouds together. Even could sketch them he thought, and maybe he could write.


	67. Kitten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

After a quick lunch of paninis and espresso, Eskild was ushering Isak back through the town. He had considered taking Isak to get his hair trimmed, or for facials and manicures but he didn’t think Isak would be comfortable with the idea. Instead he next stopped them in front of a store that smelled strongly of dog food and chew toys. 

“Okay, so this thing you don’t have to agree to but just know that I checked with both Jonas and Even and they are fine with it.” Eskild stopped outside the pet store and waited for Isak to connect the dots. 

“Eskild, I can’t get a pet.” Isak argued. He liked animals, he really did but he wasn’t the most responsible and he wasn’t sure he could afford the cost. 

“Then we can just look but I rang ahead and they actually just had a little sweet harmless kitten returned to them because the person who first took it home found out they are pregnant so they didn’t want to keep it.” Eskild held the door open to Isak and ushered him inside. 

“I can’t just randomly decide to get a cat. You have to think about these things. Plan it.” Isak’s resolve was falling but he wasn’t really a spontaneous person and the idea of taking home a living being frightened him. 

“If it doesn’t work out, I promise that I will take the kitten from you. But I really think it would benefit you to have someone you could talk to who won’t judge you. And who can give you lots and lots of little cuddles.” Eskild teased. 

Isak looked around the store for the kittens but couldn’t see them. Eskild waved over to a shopkeeper. 

“Hi, I rang this morning about the rehomed kitten. Hattie said I could come in to take a look.” Eskild was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet, as the shopkeeper introduced herself as Hattie, whilst Isak hung back. The shopkeeper took both of the boys to a section of the shop they hadn’t seen when they first walked in. There was a much natural smell in this section compared to the chemicals of the previous. In the far corner, in quite a small plastic container, a grey kitten was curled up against the edge. “She’s perfect.” Eskild whispered and encouraged Isak to take a closer look. 

Isak was hesitant, the kitten looked so small and helpless and he didn’t want to hurt her as Eskild practically pushed the kitten into his trembling arms. Her eyes, big and green, looked up directly into Isak’s and he jumped when the little kitten sneezed on him. 

“Does she have a name?” Isak asked, and Eskild knew that Isak wouldn’t leave the store without the kitten. 

“You can choose anything you like.” The shopkeeper offered. “She’s a little timid because she was only rehomed for a couple of days and is a bit nervous to be back here, but I think she’d do well once she’s settled back into a new home.” Eskild had explained a little about Isak’s situation and how he was looking for a calming animal and Hattie had thought that the rehomed kitten would be ideal. Isak tried to stroke her fur gently and she rolled her neck so that he would stroke a section she wanted. Isak found himself smiling at the really quite beautiful kitten in his arms. He couldn’t imagine being angry whilst holding her in his arms. Upset or troubled, yes, but never angry. 

“Eskild, how much do you think all this will cost?” Isak asked quietly. He wanted to take the kitten home but with how much work he’d missed he wasn’t sure if he could realistically afford it. Hattie overheard the concern in Isak’s voice. She could see straight away how quickly both Isak and the kitten had taken to the other so she was confident he’d be a good match. 

“Since this little one needs rehoming, there is no charge for her, and her injections have all been issued so to start off with basic things like litter, food and a couple of toys you are probably looking at around 500, with probably a monthly spend of around the same amount going forward.” Hattie offered and Isak nodded in response, trying to work out whether he had enough in his savings to give the kitten a good life. When he didn’t reply, Eskild began to worry.

“I can buy the first few months if you need me to.” Eskild offered and Isak opened his mouth to interrupt. “I really think she will be good for you, and you haven’t owed me rent in a long time.” Isak bit his lip, wanting to take up Eskild’s offer. “Let me do this for you Isak. Please.” Eskild pleaded and Isak took a shuddering breath as he agreed. 

“Thank you.” Isak said simply and watched as the kitten scrunched up its nose in what Isak hoped was a smile. 

“Great! Let’s make this little lady the most fashionable kitten we know then.” Eskild gave her a scratch behind the ears before storming through the aisles to find a collar and accessories that Isak probably didn’t need but Eskild thought were essential. They left the store an hour later, ready to take the still unnamed kitten back to Isak’s flat to settle in. Isak was clutching her box tightly, scared he would trip up and throw her into the path of a tram. “Relax Isak, you are going to be an amazing dad.” Eskild swapped sides so that Isak was a little more protected against the traffic and bustling of city workers going home too. Isak hoped he would be. He really did.


	68. Nimbus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> so i have a new blog too: thepostgraduatediaries.com
> 
> feel free to check it out and see what I'm getting up to in my new life 
> 
> I love sweet gentle Nimbus already <3
> 
> will be replying to everyone's comments tomorrow, thanks for being so patient!

Even and Jonas were both sitting in the lounge, waiting for Isak to return. He’d assured them both that he’d be back that day but they couldn’t help but doubt his word. Both felt a weight lift from their shoulders when the doorbell rang, Isak having left without his keys the night before. Even jumped up to let Isak in. He wanted to pull him into his arms straight away but a carefully held box in front of his chest stopped him. Isak had a promising smile on his face and Eskild was waving a bag of cat litter in Even’s face. 

“Eskild kinda got me a kitten.” Isak said shyly. He hoped Even was okay with having a pet but Eskild had assured him that he’d already asked. 

“I can’t wait to meet it!” Even enthused and took the cat litter from Eskild. Eskild wasn’t staying so he dropped off his bag of treats and toys in the kitchen and enveloped Isak in a departing hug. 

“Ring or text me, if you need anything okay? No more running off.” Eskild instructed and felt Isak nod against his shoulder. 

“Thank you Eskild.” Isak returned the hug and showed him out. He was keen to get his new kitten out of the small box it had been in for the walk home and get her used to the surroundings. He took the box into the lounge and sat on the floor, leaning against the sofa. Jonas grinned as he realised that Isak had made it home with the kitten. Isak unfolded the box and lifted the kitten up and onto his lap. 

“It’s so tiny! Is it a boy or a girl?” Jonas asked, staying seated on the sofa so as not to crowd the kitten. 

“It’s a girl.” Isak answered as he petted the kitten who was looking around nervously. She had a dark grey collar that Eskild had chosen to accentuate her fur and it made her look even smaller.   
“Have you named her yet?” Even asked as he sat on the floor next to Isak. He was itching to spend time with Isak and talk through the events of the nights before properly but Even was enjoying the new kitten’s presence and he was sure that Isak wouldn’t want to let her out of his sight for the first few days. 

“Yeah, I think I’ll call her Nimbus.” Isak lowered her to the floor towards Even, seeing if Nimbus would walk over to him. 

“Like in Harry Potter?” Jonas questioned but not unkindly. 

“Like the cloud formation.” Isak replied. He felt a little bit of tension between himself and Jonas and felt it was his fault. He’s reacted too quickly to the topic of the debate and Isak knew that none of it was Jonas’s fault. Isak watched as Nimbus staggered over to Even whose eyes lit up as Nimbus leant up against his leg. With Nimbus distracted Isak stood and walked over to Jonas. “I’m sorry Jonas.” He began and tugged on Jonas’s arm until he was standing up. “I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s scary but it doesn’t give me the right to take it out on you.” Isak gave Jonas a soft hug and Jonas cupped the back of Isak’s head, who for the first time didn’t flinch or fight it. 

“You know that I don’t think it’s your fault right?” 

“Yeah, I know.” Isak sounded resigned as he pulled away from Jonas. “It’s just, I wanted to withdraw my statement from the police.” Jonas’s face darkened but he didn’t interrupt. “And you talked about how they contacted you and I’m just totally overwhelmed right now. Everything is too much but it’s not getting any easier. I know that everyone is trying to help me but I just want to know when my brain and like my own body’s reaction are going to start helping out too.” 

“Maybe I could go with you to a support group this week?” Jonas offered. “You’ve mentioned them but you haven’t been to one yet.” Even looked up with Nimbus in his arms and stood to join them. 

“Or maybe you should visit a doctor. See if they will give you something to help with the anxiety.” Even said as he passed Nimbus back into Isak’s arms. Jonas began stroking her fur and any residual tension in Isak’s body vanished. 

“I think I probably have to do both.” Isak agreed, focusing purely on Nimbus and refusing to look Even or Jonas in the eye. Isak turned to Even “I said this morning I would make it up to you, so Eskild and I bought back Mars bar brownies from the bakery.” 

“Sweet!” Jonas exclaimed, knowing that Isak would have got one for him too, he headed to the kitchen to begin rifling through the bags. 

“You being here is more than enough to make up for anything.” Even answered honestly. Isak ignored Even trying to be nice and continued. 

“I also thought we could order some new paint tonight. Pick out some new decorations and things for our bedroom.” Even was a little confused about this, he hadn’t thought that Isak didn’t like what they had now. Isak could see his confusion so he explained further, as he settled Nimbus into the crook of his arm. “It just –I just. I feel like a different person now and it’s stupid I know but I thought maybe a fresh start might help with like new experiences and stuff and maybe it’ll help me forget what happened if we try to have sex again.” Isak trailed off. Even looked conflicted. 

“We can redecorate; I think it’ll be a fun idea but I don’t think we’ll be able to replace those old memories. Do I think that we can make sex a positive experience for you again? Absolutely, and I really really hope I get the opportunity to do that for you. But maybe it’s better to not try to forget but to know that things are never, ever going to be that bad again.” Even and Isak both thought through what he’d said. “Do you get what I mean?” Even hoped Isak understood. 

“Yeah” Isak said quickly. “I’m so sorry about just running and leaving.” 

“I’m just really glad you are safe.” Even pressed a kiss to the top of Isak’s head, then lowered his head to give Nimbus a kiss too. “She really is beautiful isn’t she.” 

“She’s ours.” Isak replied as Jonas returned to the room with brownies, warmed in the microwave. 

“Shall we watch some Netflix?” Jonas asked, no one in the mood to do any studying despite how much they had to do. “Mikhail told me Handsome Devil was pretty good, let’s put it on.   
Even and Isak smirked as the mention of Mikhail. They hadn’t been blind to their near constant texting whilst Mikhail was studying in Scotland. 

Even and Isak sat on the floor, whilst Nimbus ventured around the living room for the first time. She got tired quickly and soon curled up between them. Even took Isak’s hand, the one that wasn’t resting on Nimbus’s fur, and stroked the back of his hand rhythmically. He’d had time to think about Nico’s suggestion of interrupting his studies and more and more was he liking the idea. Even wasn’t sure if it had been mentioned to Isak but thought he’d probably jump at the idea to relieve some pressure from himself without jeopardizing his grades for a while. They discuss it after the movie. They all deserved momentary happiness however fleeting.


	69. Mindless

The movie was good, with a great soundtrack and storyline that wasn’t totally predictable. Nimbus had been quite happy pottering over the sofa and whining when she wanted to be let down to the floor to explore a little more. Isak had set up a small bowl with food and water for her to get when she wanted. She had taken a few licks from the bowl when he first showed her but hadn’t taken any more and Isak was getting worried that she should eat more. He let her be for now though. 

“Isak?” Even asked as he stretched after folding himself up on the sofa for the duration of the film. Isak hummed in reply and looked at him questioningly. 

“Do you think we can chat? There’s something I want to talk to you about.” Isak could hear Even’s nerves in his voice and he didn’t like it. As much as he didn’t want to talk about him leaving any longer he knew that he owed Even. Plus, today had been quite a good day and he’d felt his head clear as Eskild figured out a few options for him to refocus his energy.

“Sure, do you want tea first?” Isak replied as Even sometimes like to hold a warming cup of tea when he got a little nervous.   
“Maybe afterwards.” Even stood from the sofa and made his way towards their bedroom. Isak picked up Nimbus then followed Even. He looked over their slightly tired wall and over-washed duvet cover thinking about his desire to redecorate. He was sure it’d be a good idea. Isak sat on the bed, opposite Even, and placed Nimbus down between them. Isak found himself immediately going to pet her, he’d have to be careful he didn’t overdo it but at the moment he found Nimbus to be a constant source of comfort. 

“Soo..” Isak prompted Even. 

“So I had a meeting with Nico today.” Even was talking quickly. He wanted to get this over with. “And I’m thinking of interrupting my degree.” Isak’s nose twitched. He was confused. 

“I don’t understand. What does that mean?” Isak asked. 

“Basically I stop going to class for a couple of weeks, probably a month or so. Not too long, just long enough so that I can catch up over Summer and go into final year at the same time as everyone else. As long as I don’t interrupt further.” Even explained patiently. 

“Okay.” Isak mumbled. “But why?” 

“Because I feel like there are hundreds of ways for me to answer that question, and if I even had a couple of reasons it was probably something I should think about.” Even took Isak’s hand and held it for a while. He wasn’t looking at Even but trying to memorise Nimbus’s fur pattern. “You know I’ve missed a lot of class recently and last week I just feel like my head had been all over the place.”

“But you are doing okay right?” Isak interjected. 

“Yeah, I’m doing alright but don’t you think that we deserve to be doing better? Nico reminded me that the stuff that’s happened this term isn’t like a midterm. We aren’t going to forget about it in a few weeks’ time. This shit is a part of us now and if we keep trying to do one billion things at the same time then we aren’t going to be able to keep up, we’ll let things slide and I feel like we are letting the wrong things slide.” Even paused and squeezed Isak’s hand. “Like your recovery.” 

“I’m trying Even.” Isak’s heart clenched in his chest. He didn’t like this conversation at all. In the back of his mind, it felt like Even was leaving him and he couldn’t figure out why. 

“I know Isak. Part of me wants to do this for you, so I can be around more if you need me. So that you don’t have to worry about going to the police station or therapy or whatever alone. I can cook for you and all you’ll have to worry for as much as is possible is class, and when it comes to it the courts. But the other part of me wants to do this for me. I was thinking that I might go home for a while.”

“What the hell, Even!” Isak shouted and pulled his hand away from Even. He really didn’t like this. Even was leaving him. Isak felt a cold sadness fall over him. It was his fault. Even had had enough of him and he didn’t want to put up with it anymore. He wanted to be alone. 

“Isak, just hear me out.” Even tried to reason. “This has literally been the most awful time for you. I know that. And I can’t help but wonder if you’ll do better if I’m with my parents for a while. You’ll have some breathing space and not have to worry about rolling too close to me in the night. You have Jonas, and Eskild, and now you have Nimbus so you won’t be alone.” 

Isak felt himself beginning to hyperventilate. “Please” he begged. “Don’t leave me because of this.” Even reached forward and placed his hands around Isak’s pale cheeks. 

“I’m not leaving you, and if you really don’t want me to go I won’t.” Even spoke slowly so that Isak might try to calm his breathing. “I love you, so so much. It won’t be forever, just long enough for us both to remember what it is like to exist by ourselves again.”

“I don’t understand Even.” Isak pleaded. Why would Even want to leave him. “I promise I’ll get better for you.” 

“Isak this, this is exactly what I’m talking about. I want you to get the help you need because of you, not because I want you to, or you want to do something for me. For you.” Even wanted to kiss Isak so that he’d know he was trying to do this for Isak but he wasn’t sure Isak was in the right frame of mind. “I’m going to interrupt my studies, I’ll take a quick break at my parent’s house, take a research trip for my thesis project then I’ll come back and be here to support you with whatever comes next. This way I’m under way less pressure than I have been.” Even didn’t know what else to say, he wasn’t sure that he had explained himself to Isak who looked devastated before him. 

“When are you going?” Isak eventually asked. 

“We don’t need to figure that out yet. I haven’t interrupted officially because I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“You’re coming back though?” Isak’s voice was quiet but determined. 

“Always. I’ll always come back to you.” Even promised. He found himself almost bowled over as Isak threw himself into Even’s arms. He didn’t want Even to leave but knew deep down it was the right thing for him to do. Even had been under a lot of strain and Isak felt like he hadn’t been there for him as much as he wanted to be. Nimbus meowed from underneath their contorted bodies. 

“Do you think I should ask about interrupting too? Lana hasn’t said anything.” Isak asked after an almost half hour of silence cuddling on their bed, Nimbus climbing over the both of them. Even was trailing his fingers over Isak’s arms, painting invisible patterns. 

“I think that’s up to you. But honestly, I can’t think of anything better right now than not having to worry about deadlines and classes and whether I need to buy a new textbook.” 

“I didn’t know it was an option. I’ve just had so much in my head.” Isak sounded curious. “Do you think it’ll make my head go quieter for a bit?” 

“I think it’ll give you the chance to process everything that’s happened but at the same time, I know how much you love going to classes.” 

“Loved class.” Isak offered. “I haven’t liked it much lately.” 

“Then maybe this will give you the chance to love it again.” Even replied and pressed a kiss to Isak’s lips as he looked up from Even’s chest. Isak still didn’t want Even to leave, but he understood that it wouldn’t be forever. He kissed Even back, not at all scared that it was a goodbye kiss. They had a few things to organise before Even left and Isak wanted to talk to Lana himself about interrupting. He didn’t think dragging himself to a class he quietly hyperventilated through the whole time was worth his falling grades. Maybe it’d be a sane option for him too. “Let’s just stop thinking for a while.” Even teased as he saw the deep concentration behind Isak’s eyes. “Make out session?” Even asked, and Isak moved to place Nimbus down off the bed before she got squashed. Even licked his lips and Isak rolled his eyes and he rejoined Even. 

“Just making out.” Isak clarified. 

“Just a bit of totally mindless snogging.” Even replied and leant up to get the first kiss from Isak.


	70. Difficult Dreams

Isak didn’t sleep that night. His mind was whirring at one million miles an hour and he couldn’t get it to quieten. He stared at Nimbus for a while, sleeping soundly in a little basket near the bed. Then he watched Even for hours. Isak just didn’t understand why Even was leaving. He wondered if Even was manic, or beginning to show signs of mania, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit that maybe his deeper fear was that Even wasn’t manic. That him taking time away from Isak was a completely rational and necessary decision. He watched Even’s slow breathing and tried to copy it when he felt his own quicken when he thought about Even not being there. He had shoved his hand over his mouth many times to muffle a gasping breath when he decided he couldn’t stay in bed any longer. He carefully pulled back the duvet, and making sure that Even didn’t wake up, snuck out of his room. 

The flat was eerie. It was the time of day where it was both early and late, and he should have been fast asleep by now. Isak sat at the kitchen table, and tried to ignore the clock. He spotted the carrier bag of things Eskild had bought for Nimbus and saw his notebook peeking out. “Five minutes” he muttered to himself, not sure what else to do. He opened the stuff drawer and jostled everything around until he found a pen that worked. 

Even is leaving me. Even is leaving me. Even is leaving me. 

Isak put his pen down, he couldn’t seem to write anything else but what he was currently writing wasn’t making him feel any better. He thought back to Eskild’s talk and decided he would write a list instead. 

Five reasons Even is leaving me:   
• I left him.   
• He is tired of looking after me.   
• I put too much pressure on him.   
• I haven’t gotten better yet.   
• I can’t give him what he needs. 

Isak didn’t elaborate or find himself capable of writing anything else. He closed the notebook, not wanting to re-read what he had written. If Even ever found this notebook, and read what Isak had scribbled in the middle of the night, he would find himself ever so slightly heartbroken about the confusion between them. None of Isak’s list were true to anybody but Isak. But Even would not read Isak’s notebook and Isak would let Even go because Isak loved Even and Even loved Isak and they both thought that they were doing the best for the other, because that is the type of people they were. Isak shivered, his feet cold and body chilled without any heating or duvet on. 

He considered going back to bed but found his feet carrying him to Jonas’s bedroom instead. Isak could hear Jonas snoring through the door so he tapped against the door a few times before opening the door. When the boys had been younger and in the first few years of high school Isak had slept round Jonas’s house a lot. He’d turned up one time with a cut above his eyebrow and hadn’t been asked anymore questions when Isak admitted that his Mum had gotten frightened. It had been a long time since Isak had slept in Jonas’s bed however. 

Isak shuffled into Jonas’s bedroom, not sure if he should be doing this. Eventually the desire to sleep took over and he silently crept towards the bed. Jonas was sleeping almost in the middle but there was still an Isak sized gap. As Isak sunk into the bed, Jonas groaned and began to stir in confusion. He blinked his eyes clear, then groaned. 

“Isak?” 

“Yeah sorry, just sleep Jone.” Isak whispered in reply, already pulling the duvet back around Jonas. 

“What’s going on, are you okay?” Jonas asked, feeling more awake already. 

“Can’t sleep.” Isak mumbled. 

“Is Even-“ Isak interrupted Jonas. 

“Even wants to go away for a while.” Jonas didn’t say anything. He was no way awake enough to understand what Isak was saying. “Without me.” Isak continued. 

“What?” Jonas was confused, just like Isak. 

“Can we just sleep? Talk about it in the morning?” Isak asked and Jonas relented. He shifted himself over in the bed so that Isak had more room. Jonas could barely keep his eyes open but he made sure to check Isak out, to see if he really was okay. 

“We’ll figure it out Is.” Jonas promised, as he drifted back to sleep. Isak didn’t reply. An hour later, Isak had finally fallen asleep, the purring of Jonas snoring pulling him into difficult dreams.


	71. Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar
> 
> double posting today because I thought it'd be cool to go over 70 chapters and 70,000 words on the same day! 
> 
> A lot of you are nervous about the whole Even leaving thing but please trust me on this <3

Jonas woke Isak early that morning, he knew Isak needed sleep but he was afraid that if he left him to sleep too long, they’d miss their chance to talk. He nudged him again and again until Isak rolled over frowning at Jonas. Jonas could see the brief flash of shock as Isak clearly didn’t remember climbing into Jonas’s bed before the gloomy remembrance of why he did. 

“What’s happening Is?” Jonas asked gently, neither of them quite awake yet but Jonas wanting to open the conversation.   
“I don’t know. I was talking to Even last night and he wants to interrupt his degree for a while, which was fine with me. I didn’t know it was something you could do and now I’m thinking maybe it is something I should do or should’ve done already.” 

“Okay.” Jonas agreed. He didn’t know much about interrupting either but it didn’t sound like a bad idea at this point. “But what about him leaving?”

“Yeah then he said he wants to go stay with his parents for a while. Or on some research trip. I put too much pressure on him and it’s too much and he shouldn’t have to put up with all this. He said he’s doing it for me because we need to learn to be strong apart. I’m sorry I got into your bed I just thought maybe it’d be easier if I get used to not being around him so much.”

“Isak that is such bullshit.” Jonas argued. “You’re telling me Even, Even who doesn’t like being alone, Even who doesn’t like it if you don’t see each other for two hours, wants to leave for an undetermined amount of time?” Isak nodded. 

“I get it Jone. It’s been a lot recently and I left the other night so he’s probably just feeling the same.” Jonas sat up in bed and reached for his phone. He was thinking of calling Magnus to come round. They needed to sort this before Jonas and Isak were meant to leave for class. 

“When you left the other night, do you think you were thinking straight or were you…” Jonas searched for the right words “in acute crisis?” Isak blushed but answered truthfully. 

“Crisis.” He mumbled. 

“Okay, so what’s the likelihood that Even’s missed a few days of his medication or that it needs adjusting or that he got this idea in his head that he’s making this big sacrifice for you and he’s now obsessing over it?” Jonas didn’t sound panicked. He just sounded like he was thinking out loud. Isak wasn’t sure. Was Even having, or about to have an episode? Isak tried to think back over the past week to see if any of the usual signs were there. Had Even had more energy, or a greater sex drive? Usually he started talking quicker and that was one of the first things Isak looked for. Maybe. 

Isak thought back to the attempted sex incident. Would Even have tried to go through it with him if he’d been fully aware of what Isak was trying to do in the mood he’d been in. He thought probably not. Even was perceptive and open and loved to talk things through. Over and over. But he’d let Isak bulldoze him. Sure he’d slept a lot after the police interview but since then he’d seemed much better much quicker. Isak found himself rubbing over the bandage on his hand. 

“I don’t know.” Isak answered Jonas finally, unable to come to any sort of conclusion. “Maybe.” 

“Then I think we should go talk to him. Find out.” Jonas practically threw off the covers and lept from the bed. Isak was more hesitant. 

“Jonas, if he wants to go we should let him.” Isak argued. 

“Isak, I know that both of you have shit happening now but if you let him go and it’s not safe to do so, you will never forgive me or yourself. If he’s manic then maybe a few days at his parents will be good for him. If he’s not and he wants to leave anyway then I think you should fight for him to stay.”

“He shouldn’t have to stay!” Isak said in a hushed whisper as he blocked Jonas’s entrance to their room. 

“But if he goes you are going to be fine?” Jonas felt cruel as he asked because he knew that Isak wouldn’t be. He needed Even. Even if it was just to know that he was there to come home to after a tough day, or to hold him and remind him that not every touch had to hurt. That he was worth loving. 

“I’ll-“ Isak couldn’t finish his sentence. “If he’s going to leave me then I’d rather he do it now.” Jonas stepped into Isak’s personal space. 

“He’s not leaving you.” Jonas said firmly because he believed it. And he’d prove it to Isak just as soon as they found out whether Even was on the edges of mania or not.


	72. A Short While

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: whenmythoughtswagewar

Jonas pushed past Isak to open the door. They were expecting to find Even asleep but he was wide awake and his and Isak’s things were strewn all over the room. “Even?” Jonas asked as he surveyed the room and Isak stepped over a pile of bedsheets on the floor. 

“Morning!” Even said brightly. There was a small suitcase filled to the brim with clothes but Even was turned away from the door and was picking out tubes of paint from a tin and moving them into another. His travel tin.

“It’s a bit early to be packing.” Jonas continued because Isak couldn’t. 

“Yeah, I heard Isak get up so thought I might as well start packing. I just can’t decide what to take.” Even explained quickly. He spun around as if he had suddenly remembered that he didn’t know where Isak was. Jonas hummed as he figured out how many hours he’s been packing for. “Isak!” He exclaimed and stepped forwards towards him. He hugged his tightly then wrapped his arms around Isak’s neck. Isak shuffled from one foot to the other, quite uncomfortable in Even’s tight grip. “You know I’m doing this for you right. No distractions.” Even said to him quieter than before. “You can just focus on you.” Even stepped back before going to hug Isak again. “I’ll miss you so much though.” Isak stopped Even from hugging him again and put his hands on Even’s shoulders instead. 

“Even stop.” Even titled his head in confusion but his smile never leaving his face. “Just look at me. Just look.” Isak pleaded as he searched Even’s eyes for the answer. And there it was. A slightly too wide look, eyes that wouldn’t focus on his own and a gaze that held a racetrack of thoughts. Even was manic. Isak hated this. He hated the moments when Even couldn’t realise it himself, was just enjoying life and Isak hated himself for having to burst Even’s bubble of happiness. Isak turned to Jonas and nodded, not that they needed it. 

“You are so beautiful.” Even said after neither Jonas or Isak said anything further. Isak couldn’t decide what to do. He waited for his brain to rewire into autopilot mode. They’d been in this situation before and they’d be in it again. He just needed to keep Even safe. That was all that mattered to Isak.   
“So are you.” Isak replied, reaching up on his toes to kiss Even on the lips. “Let’s sit down for a minute.” It was more of a direction than a suggestion and Jonas pushed away some of the clothes on the bed so that Isak and Even could sit. He wouldn’t leave them until he knew what the plan was, but he’d let Isak handle it so far. “Even” Isak began and sighed loudly. He knew as soon as he asked, the smile would fall from Even’s face. “Have you been taking all of your medication?” The smile fell but Even didn’t answer. Isak rarely asked him about his medication, he trusted him so that must mean that something was wrong. Isak didn’t trust him. “Just have a think. Did you take it all last week, or this week?” Isak pushed. Even did think but he couldn’t remember taking it every day. He’d forgotten a couple of days and knew not to double dose if he forgot. 

“I didn’t mean to forget.” Even’s voice was lower now but still just as quick as he tried to convince Isak. “I think I’m okay though.” Even said that nearly every time and each time it took all of Isak’s self-belief to tell Even what he thought was happening. 

“I think maybe you’re not.” Isak replied. Even’s eyes flicked between Isak and Jonas and the mess around the room. He tried to make sense of the worry in front of him but he wasn’t able to connect the threads. Even moved closer to Isak on the bed so that their legs were touching. Isak moved another hoodie so that they could sit back a little bit and found Nimbus mewling from underneath it, lost in the chaos. He picked her up and placed her on Even’s lap. Isak stroked her until she settled down, then he turned to Jonas. “Can you pack me a bag please?” 

Jonas nodded, feeling somewhat relieved that Even wasn’t leaving Isak. That this was just another blip in their never-ending love story. Isak turned back to Even who was counting how many shades of paint he’s need to paint Nimbus. “I think we’ll go see your parents today.” Isak said and he sat back and discussed with Even the benefits of oil pain versus watercolour when trying to paint the colour grey. Most of the time Even would stay with Isak and Jonas when he was manic, or depressed, but Isak wanted help this time. He’d barely been able to take care of himself the last month, he needed help. 

“You can’t come with me Isak. I have to do this.” Even assured Isak as Jonas finished packing a small bag for both of them. 

“You aren’t going alone. I want to be with you.” Isak replied without a shadow of doubt in his voice. “But it’s too fucking early. Let’s at least have breakfast before we go.” Isak was dying for a cup of coffee but always tried to avoid coffee when Even was manic since caffeine could interfere with his medication. Isak led Even into the kitchen and ignored the mess in the bedroom. There was always another day to clean it all up. 

“Will you look after Nimbus for a couple of days? I don’t know how long we’ll stay.” Isak asked Jonas as Even wolfed down some toasted waffles. It really was early. He’d ring Even’s mum in the taxi since he wasn’t even sure they’d be awake yet. And as much as Isak found it difficult to watch Even struggle in his own reality, he couldn’t help but feel a little calmed that maybe Even would come back to him in a few days. He wasn’t leaving for good. Only a short while. 

“Sure, just keep me updated dude.” Jonas replied. He stared at the two boys. One bleary eyed. One wild eyed. Both just trying to do their best.


	73. Julienne

Even’s mother, Julienne, was waiting on her doorstep for Even and Isak to arrive. She wasn’t overly worried but Isak had sounded exhausted on the phone and she hadn’t seen either of them in quite a while since they’d been so busy with school. She hugged Even tightly and he dragged their bags inside. Even was pouting and a bit confused why Isak was with him. He was meant to be leaving Isak alone so that he could get better. Even also knew that Isak thought he was manic but Even wasn’t so sure. It was possible of course, and with everything that has happened over the past few weeks it wouldn’t be surprising but Even felt like he had everything under control. He was pleased he’d packed some painting equipment though since he felt like just sitting in the same place all day and painting. He’d do that and then there was no way Isak could complain he was putting himself in danger. They had an arrangement that Isak would let Even do as he wanted whilst he was having an episode unless he was putting himself or someone else in danger. Even didn’t necessarily agree that he was manic but he didn’t want Isak to worry.

Julienne watched Even go inside to where his father, David, was getting ready to leave for work, then made sure to give Isak a big hug of his own. Julianne and David knew little of Isak’s home life other than he’d been alone in life very early and he couldn’t rely on his parents. Isak tried to give her a reassuring smile but Julianne saw through it and gave him a worried glance. Isak forgot that to someone who hadn’t been around him much, he still looked awful. His eyes were often glazed, or guarded, his hands trembled too much and his hair was beginning to grow out and he hadn’t decided if he wanted to shave it back again. 

“Hi Julienne” Isak greeted and let himself be steered into the kitchen. 

“Isak, I’m sorry but you look erm, well you don’t look well.” Julienne sat him and went to pour him a cup of milky coffee, knowing it was his favourite. “Has Even been quite difficult this time?” She asked because Isak had told her that he thought Even was manic and that he needed help. There was no blame in Julienne’s voice, but she knew well how challenging it could be to find activities that kept Even’s interest and especially when he didn’t seem to sleep. They had agreed a long time ago that Even, and Isak, were always welcome back to stay with Julienne and David and that they should never feel ashamed to ask. 

Isak wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her everything that he’d been dealing with, and how he and Even were trying to stitch their lives back together. He didn’t think Even had told her. But just as Isak had never even considered ringing his parents on the morning after and telling them, he hadn’t thought that Even’s parents would be able to help him in any way. Isak was wrong about this of course, Even’s parents would have been welcoming and supportive and they would have taught Isak it is okay to rely on other people for a little while. He took a long drink of his coffee, hoping it would build some confidence to tell her and began speaking. 

“Everything’s gone wrong.” Isak answered. His voice cracking and Julienne sat opposite him, reaching to cover his hands. 

“Even’s with his Dad, I can hear them. You can tell me.” Julienne encouraged and she chipped at the wall surrounding the things he wouldn’t talk about with other people. So Isak told her. He told her everything because once he started he couldn’t stop. When he thought he was finished, Julienne had tears in her eyes. “Isak stand up.” Isak stood but he didn’t want to look at her anymore. He twisted his hands in the sleeves of his hoodie and waited for her to say something. He was scared she’d tell him to leave but he didn’t really believe that she would. 

Julienne moved the boy away from the edge of the table and held him tightly. She waited until Isak relaxed and rested his head on her shoulder and she felt the pain of the last few weeks ebb from his always tense shoulders. “I’m so sorry you’ve been doing this alone. Stay here for a while, please.” She requested as she rubbed Isak’s back in a way only mothers could. Isak nodded and his eyes flicked to the doorway where Even was watching them. He looked nervous as he walked towards them and joined their hug. He mouthed ‘you okay?’ to Isak who nodded and let himself be smothered in a family hug. 

“You want to paint me?” Isak asked after a while to break the tension. He’d noticed the paintbrush stuck behind Even’s ear. 

“Yes!” Even beamed. 

“Honey, maybe Isak should rest.” Julienne was giving Isak an out if he wanted it. 

“He can sleep. I’ll paint him asleep.” Even decided taking Isak’s hand and leading him to the studio at the back of the house. It was full of canvas and clay and creativity. There was a small sofa and bean bag right at the back of the house which was where Even led them. After setting up a canvas in front of him, Even patted his lap and let Isak curl up next to him so that his head rested on a cushion on Even’s lap. It was actually a beautiful angle for Even to paint. He had Isak’s profile and portraits always took him longer than the abstract pieces so Isak could sleep. “Love you.” Even whispered as he watched Isak drift asleep. Tiny frown lines appeared across his forehead but his breathing became steady and Even began to paint. Julienne bought in some croissants but left the boys to themselves, Isak sleeping and Even painting.


	74. Easier

Just because Even and Isak were at Even’s parents, it didn’t mean that things suddenly became easy, but things did become easier. After finding Isak bent over the bathroom sink, his heart beating out of his chest because he’s had a nightmare of the night he was attacked Julienne took Isak to the doctor to discuss his anxiety. She didn’t go into the appointment with him but drove him there and made sure that she was there to drive him back home after he’d been given a prescription. Isak was grateful to give up the decision making to someone else for a while. 

Even had been manic and it took a couple more days before he crashed. Everyone was grateful that the episode had been quite mild and that he’d been quite content to paint and sketch in the house until he found his arms aching and he couldn’t move from the sofa after the third day. Julienne had taken Even to his doctor too, in order to check that his medication was still the right mix for him. She didn’t go in with him either but trusted him when he said that his doctor thought he should stick with what he had for now. 

David and Julienne had both taken a couple of days off so that one of them could be around for the boys if they needed it. Isak and Even found that the family dinners at half seven each evening became an opportunity for discussion, and even though Isak had not wanted to talk about the police investigation or the fact he was considering interrupting his studies at first, eventually he found that nobody around the table judged him. The discussions would run quite late into the night, whilst everyone switched to tea and coffee and Isak and Even found that they were going to bed with much less on their mind than before. 

Jonas had visited, and bought Nimbus with him, after Even and Isak decided that they would stay longer than a couple of days. Isak loved Nimbus and hated the idea that Nimbus might have thought that he’d abandoned her so made sure to spend lots of time spoiling her with attention over the next few days. Jonas had gone to the police to make his statement, not caring if Isak was going to withdraw his statement or not. He wanted the police to know what he’s seen Isak go through and what he was still dealing with him. Jonas was pissed off at how long it was taking for charges to be bought against Isak’s rapist and he’d made sure to ask several times when they were going to charge him. The police relented and admitted that they’d be charging him that week. Jonas told this to Isak, and that he could collect his phone and laptop from the police station when he wanted. 

“So they believe me?” Isak had asked Jonas for confirmation as he wrestled a rubber ball from Nimbus’s grip. 

“They believe you and they are charging him. They said it was taking so long because there was a large amount of evidence that needed to be catalogued. They needed to get statements from the hospital and get your bloodwork and things.” 

“Okay, and you think I should go through with this?” Isak threw the ball again for Nimbus to wander towards. 

“Yes.” Jonas answered. He didn’t want to say anything else because he wanted Isak to remember his answer and not be confused or overthink it later. Isak had made peace with his decision though. He wasn’t going to withdraw his statement, even if it went to trial. There was a small chance that his attacker would plead guilty, Isak was certain that they’d plead not guilty so he was preparing himself to go to trial. Julienne had asked if his parents knew, and Isak felt guilty when he shook his head but he didn’t want to involve them. Isak wasn’t expecting them to see his face in the newspapers and neither of them went to courts on random days to watch the proceedings so he was sure that they wouldn’t find out. If Isak was going to do this, he couldn’t be worrying about his parents. He had to do this for himself. 

Even had already decided that he would be interrupting, even though he wasn’t sure if he’d made that initial decision during his episode or not, but he emailed Nico to let him know. The longer Isak stayed at Even’s parents, and the more classes he didn’t show up to, the more Isak thought it would be a good idea for him to interrupt too. Just whilst he got through the police investigation and potential trial. He could still study if he wanted to but at his own pace, and then he could worry about deadlines and classes when he was ready to. David thought it would be a good idea for both of them to interrupt and suggested that they go and spend time in the family cabin up North to have a bit of a break and escape from everything once the police investigation was done. You don’t get to redo university, or life, he’d told them. You can go back when you’ll be able to enjoy it and concentrate on creating a better life for yourselves. Right now, you just need to focus on living. Isak and Even had agreed, so Isak had finally emailed Lana to let him know where he’d been, and that he needed her to send him the interruption paperwork so that he didn’t have to come back for a while. Neither of them had set a return date yet, but Isak hoped it wouldn’t be too long. Whilst he signed the paperwork, Even had made Isak promise that he wouldn’t rush back. They had all the time they needed.


	75. Fortune

Isak received an offical phone call from the police telling him that Kevin Magnusson had been charged with several offences: attempted rape, sexual assault, battery and bodily harm. Isak didn’t understand much of what they had told him on the phone but he would have to go to the police station to meet with his case worker and they would keep him updated on when a trial date would be set. For the time being, they said, Isak could try to continue with his daily life and they’d be in touch when they needed something from him. 

Isak had started at Jonas’s phone long after he hung up, knowing that Jonas must’ve given them his new number when he made his statement earlier that week. He wasn’t sure how he was feeling, nervous but that wasn’t unusual for Isak any longer. He wondered if he was happy but that didn’t feel right. In the end he decided he felt relieved because the police believed him and Kevin wouldn’t be able to get away with it. Having a name to give to his attacker was strange. The words felt heavy in his mouth and they clung to the back of his throat. Isak wondered if Kevin had found out his name, in the class or maybe after he’d left. He liked to think that he didn’t. That to Kevin, he would remain nameless and that Isak had a small part of himself left that Kevin hadn’t found out about. 

When Even returned home with fresh croissants from the bakery, Isak told him about the phone call and it felt good. For the first time in a long time, Isak didn’t want to hide it from Even or let the idea swirl around in his head first. He told Even that he didn’t know when the trial date would be but that he’d go to collect his laptop the next day so they could stop sharing. So through days like that, Isak and Even found that they were learning to trust each other again. It hadn’t been either of their faults that they’d ended up as they were but being at Even’s parents gave them enough distance from their lives that they found themselves communicating and tugging at the topics that they’d tried to avoid. 

They spent their evenings pouring over Pinterest and getting inspiration for redecorating their bedroom. Isak had wanted Even to paint a mural over one of their walls. Even wasn’t sure. If he didn’t like what he’d done, then he’d have to stare at it all day anyway. In the end they compromised. Even would paint one of the walls but he could repaint it whenever he liked. In return, Even could put up his latest portrait of Isak on the wall too. It was the one Even had painted whilst Isak slept in his lap. It wasn’t finished and the edges were sketched in pencil but that is what Isak liked about it. The colour palette was full of soft blues and dark browns and it didn’t look like it should work together but it did. Even had painted his own hand resting around the back of Isak’s head and Isak took it to be a sign that Even was protecting him, even when he was asleep. Even had wanted to keep going with the painting but Isak had told him it was perfect. He didn’t know his own future yet so it wasn’t fair that the painted version of him was perfect. Even hadn’t been sure but Isak had convinced Julienne to sit for a portrait too so Even had been distracted quick enough. 

It was during these long evenings searching for DIY projects, that Isak discovered how little enjoyment he and Even had had over the past few weeks. They hadn’t had the chance to snuggle and tease each other and debate whether they should have floating shelves or a bookcase. They had both been so set on just getting through the day that they found themselves lost. Even noticed that Isak began flinching less, and he wouldn’t cringe nearly as much as he had done before but that he could often be found scribbling in a small notebook at multiple points during the day. His hand healed and Isak was for the first time in forever, free from bruises. Even had nearly cried when he realised this. 

Isak wondered if his anti-anxiety medication was making a difference, or if it was the ability to shut himself off from the world for a while. He had been very nervous to take the first pill, not sure if he was signing himself up for a lifetime of medication, and Even had been unable to get out of bed at the time to stand by the bathroom sink and encourage him. Instead, unable to swallow the first pill, Isak took a glass of water and a pill into Even’s bedroom and put them on his bedside table. Even woke when Isak climbed into bed with him. His eyes were barely open but Isak could see the effort he put in to stay awake for him. Not sure if Even was coherent or not, Isak shared his fears slowly and quietly, and for the longest time Even didn’t respond. Isak had closed his eyes and was about to join Even in sleep when he felt Even groan and haul himself over Isak to reach the bedside table. He passed the pill to Isak, who put it on the tip of his tongue. “Back of your tongue.” Even had advised, as slow and quiet as Isak had been. Even watched as Isak shifted the pill to the back of his mouth and took an uncertain gulp of water along with it. It didn’t go down easily but he’d get better at it. 

“Thank you” Isak pulled Even closer and let them both sleep for a few more hours. They’d both wake feeling better resting and craving Chinese takeaway. David was more than happy to go and pick some up and not long after an argument broke out over who had the least accurate fortune cookie. Julienne was convinced she won, so much so that she stuck hers to the fridge as a constant reminder.


	76. Museum

Soon enough, Isak and Even grew tired of Julienne and David’s house. They had both needed time, and the haven it had provided but even Isak, who had grown wary of crowds and unfamiliar places, was ready to wander through the city again. Strangely enough, he’d also found that he missed the familiarity of studying. Isak didn’t have anything to study towards at the moment, no deadlines, essays or projects but he enjoyed learning new things and wasn’t used to the absence of textbooks. It was because of this that Isak suggested they visit the local Science Museum. It would be a chance for them to get out of the house but it didn’t matter if they decided to return early, or wanted to meet Eskild for lunch in town after their visit. 

Even, much more relaxed about not studying, was just as enthusiastic about the idea. He had been thinking about ideas for his film school application and had kept coming back to the tension between creativity and science. To him, it seemed obvious that you couldn’t become and artist or a scientist without having an appreciation or an interest in the opposing field but Even hadn’t thought anymore about how this would translate to film, or if he’d focus on a particular theme. Isak packed a bag full of notebooks, Even’s camera, and tucked into the front pocket a small prescription bottle with Isak’s name on. Just in case. 

The walk to the museum wasn’t far but neither of the boys were in any particular hurry so they meandered through the streets hand in hand. The weather seemed to be getting milder and Isak found himself noticing the new displays and colour that was returning to the streets. After paying their admission, using their student cards for discount since they still had them, the boys spent a few hours looking at the exhibits and making sure to try out the interactive experiments that were probably meant for children but that were still a lot of fun. 

At first, Even wasn’t sure that there would be much for him to film or photograph but the longer Even spent watching Isak enjoy the museum, the more ideas formed. Even spent a lot of time looking at Isak in the light of the museum. The way his expression became hidden, in an astronomy exhibit and the bright lights of the stars and milky way that left Isak clutching the wall as his eyes adjusted. Even wasn’t sure if Isak knew he was filming him as opposed to the exhibits but he was sure that Isak wouldn’t mind either way. It was quite an acute interest but could Even start a project looking at the lighting and composition of the museum and how it not only affected the contents of the museum but its visitors? Even couldn’t remember reading anything about it before but he would have to spend some time researching to make sure. Isak never looked at Even the same way he looked at these exhibits, Isak didn’t study Even, refused to try and read his mind. 

Isak spend a lot of time at the medical sciences exhibit, they had demonstrations of laser and a fantastic demonstration of how 3D printers were being used to create cheap prosthetic limbs for those who needed them. Isak hadn’t known that they could be printed so easily, and customized so quickly. There was a documentary in the background playing of artificial arms being delivered to children all around the world in a mismatch of colours and patterns. The parents were thrilled but it was clear to see the absolute delight on the faces of the children. Isak noted down the websites of some charities so that he could check them out later. He’d love to undertake an internship with one of the companies to see how they worked. It wasn’t strictly in his field but it could be something he pursued alongside marine biology once everything in his life settled down. 

After a couple of hours of standing and walking on laminate floors, Isak was dying to sit down. He’d enjoyed the morning with Even and they agreed to invite Eskild for lunch rather than head home straight away since neither of them were exhausted. They had a quick cup of coffee at the museum so that Eskild would be on his lunch break by the time they finished, and then left so that they could meet somewhere closer to Eskild’s workplace. He was there when they arrived and hugged both Even and Isak and ordered them more coffee, checking to see if Even wanted decaf. Isak replied that he’d like decaf since he was now taking his own medication too, and Eskild brushed it off like it was no big deal, which it wasn’t because for what had been the longest time, they had a perfectly normal lunch. Isak talking about Nimbus, Eskild complaining about a boy he’d been messaging but who was so slow to reply, and Even showed him the photographs he’d taken in the museum. There wasn’t any stress or fear, just good food and good friends.


	77. Paint

Deciding that they were ready to return back to their flat, but knowing that they had a standing weekly dinner invite and a promise to Julienne and David that they’d return if things got to be too much again, Even and Isak began redecorating their room. They spend the first day clearing out the room and moving furniture into the lounge so that they had more space to reorganise. They were going all out, well pretty far out considering their budget. Even was repainting the bed frame with a pale blue chalk paint and Isak was ripping apart their headboard, deciding that they’d move the bed so that it was against the wall and a headboard wasn’t really necessary. 

Isak had music playing on his laptop and Even kept getting distracted by stopping to document the redecoration with his camera so progress was slow but nobody minded. Isak was currently pressing down fabric tape across their desk so that it was bright yellow with white spots, hiding the worn wood. They’d wanted their room to be happy, and bold, and a little bit crazy so that if anybody dared asked who’d decorated it, or chosen that pattern for the furnishings, Even and Isak would proudly exclaim that they had. Mostly the room was a mix of blues and yellows that reminded Isak of Even’s eyes and the sky. They’d chosen new blankets and curtains and Julienne had bought a matching duvet cover when she saw their plans for the room. 

Nimbus was quite happy to follow them around the room, although Isak was wary of letting her around the paint after Even left a tin on the floor, and she covered her nose in it. A panicked five minutes with Nimbus squirming in the kitchen sink, and Even googling the toxicity of the paint later, Isak had made sure that Nimbus was kept well away from any more paint. 

It took the boys several days to redo the majority of the room and on the final day of decorating, one day before they were meant to move back home, Even had the mural and hanging of Isak’s portrait to finish, the wall already painted white in preparation. Even handed Isak two paintbrushes and opened up several small pots of paint in a wide range of colours. Some even neon. “Do you know what you’re painting?” Isak asked as Even flipped off the lid of the final tin. 

“We’re painting.” Even replied and took one of the brushes from Isak. “Let’s do it together this time. I’m sure I’ll repaint it when I get bored next anyway.” Isak smiled, translating bored for manic. 

“But you know I can’t paint!” Isak grumbled as he surveyed the colour choices. 

“I know you can’t paint but I know you’ve heard of Jackson Pollock.” Isak rolled his eyes but was secretly excited that they were actually going to be doing this. He gave Even a quick peck on the cheek, scooped his brush through the bright pink and flicked it across the wall, leaving a scattered splatter. “Perfect.” Even winked and let his own paint drip down onto the covering he’d cleverly remembered to lay down. Jonas arrived back home midway through their mural painting and was super excited to have his own go at flicking the rainbow paints across the wall. Nimbus too got caught up in the action, getting splattered right across her back as Isak spun neon green particularly enthusiastically. By the end of it, everyone was sweaty with exhaustion and the wall looked incredible. Even had created swirls of colour that seemed to morph into the destruction and urgency of Isak’s paint. In the left corner, Even hammered a nail into the wall so that he could hang Isak’s portrait. He turned around after he hung it to see Jonas behind his camera, capturing Isak watching Even, with Nimbus curled around his leg in what seemed to be a photograph of their future, happy, creative and carefree. Everyone with aching faces from smiling so much.


	78. Intention

Even and Isak didn’t move back that night, but the night after, when the paint had had time to dry and they were both sure that they really were ready to return. They’d discussed it after Julienne and David had bid them good night after a final family dinner and decided that their first night would have no symbolic or romantic display of sex. A lot had happened since their previous attempt but Isak felt like he would be putting too much pressure on himself to make it happen on their first night, and whilst he had spoken to Even about what triggered his panic attack the last time he wanted to take it slowly. It was also Isak’s idea to write a list to give to Even of things to avoid when they did try to have sex again. It was a list that he first started alone, in his notebook but one that he thought would be a good idea to share. 

The list was titled: Please avoid these things when we have sex again and Isak had folded it up and given it to Even after their agreement not to have sex on their first night back in the flat. Even had not been expecting the list, and as much as he hated the fact that Isak even had to write such a list, he couldn’t help but feel proud at Isak opening up to him. Their time away had bought the boys back together and Isak had grown more comfortable being intimate with Even. He let touches linger and often sought out comfort after nightmares. The previous begging of Even, or anyone else who shook him awake, not to touch him had changed to clinging arms and a soft lean against his chest to listen to a calmer heartbeat. 

Jonas was excited that the boys were back as he’d grown a little lonely but it was with some guilt and relief that he’d found time to catch up with his studies. Jonas knew that Isak and Even had needed him and that neglecting his studies wasn’t something he could have avoided at the time but Jonas hadn’t had any time off and he was pleased that he’d been able to submit some half-decent essays during their absence. He’d wondered about inviting over Magnus and Madhi and chilling but he thought it was probably a better idea to avoid making a big deal about their return. They could always party in the next few weeks. 

When Isak walked through their bedroom door, the only thing not repainted or modified in anyway, he felt different. He and Even had lived in their flat for quite a while but Isak knew that he wasn’t the same person that he’d been when he arrived, he was finding though, that this mattered less and less. If it was possible to grief yourself and what you’ve lost then Isak had done so and was more at peace with who he’d become. He unpacked their freshly laundered clothes, thanks to Julienne, and let Nimbus reacquaint herself with their room. She’d grown already, only a few centimeters but enough to notice. Isak had spoken to Julienne at length before they’d left, assuring her that he would be okay. And he believed it. 

He had the intention to sign up to a support group for male sexual assault survivors in the next few days, was frequently using his notebook, and was taking his anti-anxiety medication as and when he needed it. Isak was also waiting on a court date for his case, where Kevin would plead guilty or not guilty, and he knew this would come through sometime soon. Isak wasn’t going to just sit and wait around however, he was researching more and more into artificial limb production and was enjoying helping Even on his photography and film projects too. Isak didn’t always wake up ready to face the day but he was confident enough in himself now to recognise days that were struggles and not face them alone. So when Even and Isak climbed into their new bed for the first time, curled up together to watch Netflix before inevitably one of them fell asleep, Isak wasn’t afraid to wake up in the night, have a nightmare, or feel sick. These things happened, and they happened to people like Isak, but that didn’t mean he had no control or power over his life. It was how he reacted to these things that would remind him that his life was his, and his alone to ruin.


End file.
